Gwyneth Paltrow’s Steamed Vagina Is ‘Liberated’ From You Fools

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ham wallet – I’m sorry, artisanal prosciutto satchelette – has been the subject of intense debate ever since she started encouraging women to steam theirs and if they’re not too busy, maybe shove a rock up it. (Disclaimer: Don’t do any of that. Goddammit.) So it’s nice that she took the time to tell Women’s Health that not only did she anticipate your plebeian criticisms, but she’s liberated from them and thinks she’ll be right in five years.

How do you trust that your readers and customers will go where you go—cupping, vagina steaming—without judgment?
They’re not without judgment. When you’re at the forefront of something that’s new, people can get really reactive: “This is crazy! Why are you doing this?” Then, five years later, everyone’s fine with it. So I have a bit of pattern recognition in hand at this point — which is helpful. Also, when someone doesn’t like something you do, or doesn’t share your interest in something, that doesn’t have anything to do with you. One of the best things someone ever said to me was that the only time criticism hurts is if you have a judgment about yourself about that very thing. If someone’s like, “You dick, you have red hair!” and you’ve got brown hair, it doesn’t bother you. It’s a blessing to be liberated from the chains of other people’s perceptions of you. It’s part of wellness, working at that. I’ve gotten to a point where I like myself. I do my best as a person. I also have nothing to hide.

While I admire Gwyneth’s passion for finding pretentious ways to say, “fuck all them haters,” the people criticizing her are actual doctors who use real science to understand how the human body works. So when of them says, “Hey, putting rocks in your baby pooper will kill you dead,” that’s not criticism. That’s goddamn damage control. Which is what happens when Gwyneth Paltrow regurgitates some horseshit she heard from a Hollywood yoga instructor who lives off nothing but lentil water. Because what she thought was health advice was really a brain trying to tell someone that it’s goddamn dying.

“Put grasshoppers on your nipples and you’ll shoot laser beams at cancer.”
“Ooh, this is good. I’m writing this down.”
“I smell almonds, grandmother.”
“Almonds in your vagina! Of course.”
“Sassafras gigolo box.”
“I’ll have one custom-made. Ooh, what’s that exercise you’re doing? I like the leg twitching!”

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