Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Water Has Feelings

Oh, really? Then, congratulations, you just stabbed the ocean in the face. How do you sleep at night?!

Medically speaking, Gwyneth Paltrow is a pseudoscience queef menagerie of dumb. And I say that with no idea what those words even mean because this is The Internet where you can literally say whatever you want and somebody somewhere will believe it with almost deadly intensity. Which brings us to the latest issue of Goop where Gwyneth hails the work of Masaru Emoto, a man who apparently believes being mean to water will change its physical composition and/or straight up kill rice. Yup. Vox reports:

Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto performed some of the most fascinating experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990’s… In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like “I hate you” or “fear.” After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: It yielded gray, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like “I Love You,” or “Peace” on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.

And here’s what actual scientists think about Captain WaterFeels:

Few scientists have tried to debunk his claims since they’re so self-evidently ridiculous. “Have I tried to reproduce Mr. Emoto’s experiments? No, and I don’t intend to,” writes Caltech physicist Kenneth Libbrecht, an expert on snow crystals. “As we liked to say back on the farm in North Dakota — it’s good to have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out!” Libbrecht’s best guess — and the logical explanation for Emoto’s findings — is that he’s selecting pictures of crystals that fit his findings and rejecting those that don’t.

Keep in mind, Gwyneth is getting this shit from the guy who came up with conscious uncoupling because a commoner’s divorce is too good for her marriage, so you know she absolutely believes all of this and would apologize to toilets if she excreted waste like a normal person. Fortunately, it’s a fact that the upper echelon have evolved beyond defecating and have moved onto a process known colloquially as “shart cupping.” I’d get into it, but you’re poor.

Photos: FameFlynet