Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Water Has Feelings

June 4th, 2014 // 38 Comments
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Oh, really? Then, congratulations, you just stabbed the ocean in the face. How do you sleep at night?!

Medically speaking, Gwyneth Paltrow is a pseudoscience queef menagerie of dumb. And I say that with no idea what those words even mean because this is The Internet where you can literally say whatever you want and somebody somewhere will believe it with almost deadly intensity. Which brings us to the latest issue of Goop where Gwyneth hails the work of Masaru Emoto, a man who apparently believes being mean to water will change its physical composition and/or straight up kill rice. Yup. Vox reports:

Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto performed some of the most fascinating experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990’s… In his experiments, Emoto poured pure water into vials labeled with negative phrases like “I hate you” or “fear.” After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: It yielded gray, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like “I Love You,” or “Peace” on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals.

And here’s what actual scientists think about Captain WaterFeels:

Few scientists have tried to debunk his claims since they’re so self-evidently ridiculous. “Have I tried to reproduce Mr. Emoto’s experiments? No, and I don’t intend to,” writes Caltech physicist Kenneth Libbrecht, an expert on snow crystals. “As we liked to say back on the farm in North Dakota — it’s good to have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out!” Libbrecht’s best guess — and the logical explanation for Emoto’s findings — is that he’s selecting pictures of crystals that fit his findings and rejecting those that don’t.

Keep in mind, Gwyneth is getting this shit from the guy who came up with conscious uncoupling because a commoner’s divorce is too good for her marriage, so you know she absolutely believes all of this and would apologize to toilets if she excreted waste like a normal person. Fortunately, it’s a fact that the upper echelon have evolved beyond defecating and have moved onto a process known colloquially as “shart cupping.” I’d get into it, but you’re poor.

Photos: FameFlynet


  1. “Shart cupping”? Is that what they’re calling “2 girls 1 cup” now?

  2. She is one pale heap of dumb.

  3. So, the water has feelings, the Internet has feelings, and anything that’s gluten free has feelings. So what DOESN’T have feelings, GOOP? Anyone who makes less than 100 grand a year, you say?
    *opens veins on wrists*
    You’re right! I don’t feel anything!

  4. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d bang that. And the one on the right as well.

    • “This experiment found a modestly significant difference…in blind ratings of subjective aesthetic beauty of crystals formed from water samples ‘‘exposed’’ to distant intentions vs. proximal and distant control samples… A similar analysis using objective ratings of image contrast was not significant when comparing across the three conditions…

      “In addition, there were many uncontrolled degrees of freedom in this experiment which may have allowed ‘unintended intentional’ effects to creep in. They all involve human decisions…” [Emphases added.]

      In other words, that experiment pretty much proved jack shit.

      • Having just spent yet another 90 degree day outside with a spray pack on conducting agricultural research, I’d like to know who is funding these idiot studies. Also looking at my work schedule for the next several months, are they hiring field technicians?

  5. Hey Gwyneth, here’s something else that creates positive energy: blowing internet trolls.

  6. nadsak

    You know, I think she look great. She is wearing no makeup and still is a nature beauty. She may be dumber then a box of hammers, but you can’t have it all.

  7. Greg

    What the fuck did I just read……..must be a slow news day….

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    As pretentious and out-of-touch this woman is, I’d still like to take a peek behind that bikini…

  9. PassingTrue

    Does it matter to the water if the phrases are written in english, chinese, latin, etc. What is the official language of water? Is it offended by the use of emoticons? Does it prefer a ball point pen or are the crystals more beautiful if the words are written with a crayon? Must the words be written in calligraphy by a tibetian eunuch that was castrated using shears purchased through GOOP?
    So many questions, such silly people.
    Why, yet again, do we ascribe any legitimacy to the random musing of celebrities?

  10. Marketing Mike

    The truth, she really looks like shit in these pictures.
    The rest of her “water” drama I could care less about.
    I’d prefer 2x 24 year olds with big tits and nice smiles,
    than a has-been skank, dumber than a box of rocks.

  11. Emoto, what a pussy. “I love you”? If he had negged the water, the crystals would have tried harder and been even prettier.

  12. cc

    So, hurricanes are nature’s revenge on mankind for all the times people have peed in the ocean?

  13. bryan

    How do people this clueless make it to old-age?

  14. that water just raped here it got right up inside her

  15. You worthless piece of slime. You ignorant disgusting blob. You’re nothing but an unstable short-chained molecule.

  16. ace11

    she still has a great ass

    you can’t deny that

  17. I am willing to sacrifice my life having sex with her, mostly oral as a gift to humanity in order to keep her quiet and stop her from continuously saying stupid shit.

  18. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    “Mommy, I got sand in my eye!”
    “If I had a soul. I might care.”

  19. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    “Stop shaking me mommy! You’re hurting me!”

  20. Now that is good skin color. I like pale, pale women. If they have blonde hair even better. Like ghosts.

  21. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    Flabby ass and a loose pussy. Good for fisting only

  22. Why is it the public feels fine doubting vaccines or global climate change but eats up shit like this? When a celeb says “quantum mechanics”, start running because the bullshit machine is getting ready to fire!

  23. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s just a “C” for Cunt

  24. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    She is painfully skinny and pasty but her belly sticks out. Her body has the clear signs of long-term malnourishment. And I’m supposed to be taking lifestyle advice from this person?

  25. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:


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