Gwyneth Paltrow Still Has Chris Martin Whipped

Chris Martin’s consciously uncoupled life may seem awesome, and full of Jennifer Lawrence’s vagina, but at the end of the day, Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently still in control of his schedule. Which still affords him time to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so already this post is on shaky ground. We’re off to a good start. Daily Mail reports:

‘She’s drawn up a rota to balance his time living life as a bachelor and seeing Jennifer with honouring their many family commitments.’
They say Chris, 37, is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage.
‘Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,’ the source tells the magazine.
‘The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.’

“Gwyneth, love, it says here I’m supposed to spend 12:15 to 6:45 tomorrow meditating in front of the religion shelf with you and the children after ‘crafting our own Chakra mat with only gluten-free ingredients?’ How am I supposed to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?”
“You have a 25 minute window on Friday, Christopher. I don’t quite see the problem. Or you could defy me and watch as your balls remain in my hand-coiffed Belgian testicle menagerie instead of being freed for your little trollop. The choice is yours.”
“I’ll be good!”

Photos: Raef-Ramirez/AKM-GSI