Gwyneth Paltrow F*cks Herself Into Shape, According To Gwyneth Paltrow

Now that Gwyneth Paltrow has unshackled herself from the existential pretense of dissolving her marriage through tantric metaphysical ghost law, it’s time to remind everyone how tight her body is from all the fucking she does. That’s right, Gwyneth Paltrow is a full-bodied woman who fucks her way to radiant beauty like the way an accomplished sculptor charges $899.95 for a Menstrual Slough Divinity Pot (GOOP). Via Us Weekly:

Paltrow’s beauty routine — although she’s known for touting products on Goop — is surprisingly equally relaxed.
“I’m not really a ‘beauty person.’ I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself,” Paltrow said. “I’m not like, ‘Then I use this masque that I make on my stove.’”

And she’s correct because, honestly, who makes a masque on a stove? That’s what a $14,000 hand-glazed tabletop stone Masque Furnace is for. (Also, paella.) But Gwyneth Paltrow is more than just an incredible body at age 40, she’s also not picky about what her kids eat which is key to attracting men into her vagina for the rejuvenation process:

“My food philosophy is: Nothing should be ruled out. I don’t believe in saying, ‘You’re not allowed that.’ If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?”

“If a child wants to pollute their body with the rudimentary toppings of the common class, who am I to deny them that lowly pleasure except for the very same woman that meditatively shat upon a birthing pashmina for 14 hours while their father sat pensively watching on the $18,000 Positive Thought Transmitting Stoop? I mean, I can have fun. I can cut loose. The other day I let Apple look at a photograph of an Oreo and didn’t even decontaminate her! Until bed, of course. You’ll never get that out of the sheets. I can’t even count how many beds we’ve burnt. Children, am I not right?”

Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini Abs Women's Health Cover

Photo: Women’s Health