Gwyneth Paltrow Made A List of Things She Can’t Live Without

“Oh my heavens, poor people. Guards, cocoon me!”

Following up on last week’s tour de force in ELLE where she made it abundantly clear she has black friends, famous black friends, Gwyneth Paltrow also appears in the latest edition of ELLE Decor where she’s blessed them with a list of household items she “can’t live without” which are somehow even more pretentious than I imagined, and I wrote down “Gold-dipped goose who’s promptly plucked at 7:15 post meridiem lest his feathers become one peck too coarse and unsuitable for slumber” as my first guess:

1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper

2. Seasonal Flowers

3. Darren Almond’s Photography
“His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
“It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
“Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
“These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

8. YUBZ Retro Handset
“A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

If you do anything today, click over to the pics of the retro handset and Jesus fucking Christ, the religion shelf, then try to convince yourself Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t Howard Hughes if Howard Hughes sat around sniffing his own farts and going, “Hmm, a juxtaposition of truffles and mountain lilacs. Not unlike the teachings of the Bahá’í which somehow is two centimeters above the Qur’an? WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY RELIGION SHELF!?!”

Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News