Gwyneth Paltrow Made A List of Things She Can’t Live Without

August 11th, 2011 // 79 Comments

“Oh my heavens, poor people. Guards, cocoon me!”

Following up on last week’s tour de force in ELLE where she made it abundantly clear she has black friends, famous black friends, Gwyneth Paltrow also appears in the latest edition of ELLE Decor where she’s blessed them with a list of household items she “can’t live without” which are somehow even more pretentious than I imagined, and I wrote down “Gold-dipped goose who’s promptly plucked at 7:15 post meridiem lest his feathers become one peck too coarse and unsuitable for slumber” as my first guess:

1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper

2. Seasonal Flowers

3. Darren Almond’s Photography
“His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.”

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
“It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.”

6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
“Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).”

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
“These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.”

8. YUBZ Retro Handset
“A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.”

If you do anything today, click over to the pics of the retro handset and Jesus fucking Christ, the religion shelf, then try to convince yourself Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t Howard Hughes if Howard Hughes sat around sniffing his own farts and going, “Hmm, a juxtaposition of truffles and mountain lilacs. Not unlike the teachings of the Bahá’í which somehow is two centimeters above the Qur’an? WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY RELIGION SHELF!?!”

Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. Deacon Jones

    The saddest part about this is….there’s hundreds of thousands of women that actually spend money to read her list. They PAY for magazine’s that print this shit.

    (That’s why they’ll never be president)

    • gogol

      why are your comments always about women? just curious. do you get really emotional about them?

    • Deacon Jones

      Because I work with a bunch of them and they drive me out of my fucking mind

    • kinkade

      I agree with you 100%. We need to stop the cycle as women. I find myself, as a woman, fascinated with the public’s fascination to hate this woman, who, admittedly, has much to be disliked about, mainly due to her unbelievably pretentious and affluent superficialities.

  2. Reece

    Sooo she has a bathtub in the middle of her bedroom?

    I’m taking those cloth bound classics and going over here.

  3. Liz

    I used to find her insufferable. Now she’s a car crash. You feel so sorry for everyone involved, but you…just…can’t…stop…looking…

    The saddest thing of all is that she probably senses that reaction and rationalizes it as people genuinely finding her fascinating. There is something not right about her.

  4. Russian

    She is the real ugly American that we were all warred about.

  5. Glenn

    Things I can’t live without:

    Things I CAN live without:
    This bitch,
    Anything this bitch says.

  6. Russian

    I’m Russian so I can’t spell.

  7. Jezebel

    What a classless idiot. Penguin Classics? She could have at least imagined a collection of Folio Society limited editions. I’m below the poverty line and even I’ve got a shelf of Folio Society books. Pfft. Commoner.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle Decor
    Arizona Ken
    Commented on this photo:

    “Look Gwyn, can I call you Gwyn? I’ve been doing security for over 3 years and I know a trick or two about gettin’ people to move out of the way. Learn’d it from a stint at a mall 2 years back. Had me a full sized Mag back then.”

  9. j.j.

    what a loathsome person.

  10. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle Decor
    Arizona Ken
    Commented on this photo:

    Sometimes, if you distract them with a light, you can slide your arm around them and cop some side-boob.

  11. Tom

    What a cunt. That means we can remove all of the air, water, heat and food from her, since it’s not necessary. Let’s do that today.

  12. Jenny Cohen

    Omg- is she trying to make people dislike her?
    Pretentious, self-important,sanctimonious- ANNOYING. What happened to her? She used to be
    a talented, endearing, humble celebrity. I won’t even
    watch her movies now.

  13. cc

    C’mon over and bring Apple and Chris…I’ve got a shitload of dandelions you can have.

  14. Argh, feed her to the commoners! Let’s see how quickly oxygen will make it to number one of her list! *wields torches and pitchforks*

    Seriously though, bitch be psycho.

  15. J

    Can’t wait to see Kim Kardashian’s list

  16. Erhizad

    Show of hands, how many people wanted to punch her or her children by item 3?

  17. Wonder how many of those books she’s actually read in their entirety?

    • Carrie

      I was wondering the same thing. Kudos if she did read them, none of them would be easy to get through. If she didn’t read them and just has them . . .that shit makes me crazy. It’s like putting War and Peace on your shelf without reading it so that people will think you’re actually an intelligent being.

      • Kikidee

        She got an – undeserved – Oscar for her Shakespeare in Love “acting”. That probably makes her an expert on literature per se. And remember, she uses those books to cure sore muscles. I wonder which ones those might be …the sphincter? She looks like she’d do an enema for the fun of it.

  18. Pretentious twat!

  19. booger

    you know what. i like her. and her taste. and she’s thoughtful and likes interesting things. she likes details and i can appreciate that. i’d rather a person with money and taste who cares about details and beautiful objects than not. again, what’s wrong here? that shelf is creative and a talking point. the wallpaper is beautiful, the headset is cool. and so on.

    jealousy reeks.

    • team hot ginge

      That shelf is completely moronic. She paid $2500 for a 4×4! She’s a cunt.

      • Carrie

        $2500? she could have had her gardener build it for $15. booger, I’ll agree with you to an extent. She’s had money all of her life, and no, there’s nothing wrong with liking beautiful, expensive things. I shop at Forever 21 and the Gap, but if I made more money, I would shop at Banana Republic (have you seen their Mad Men collection?! So great!). And because I don’t come from money, i can’t imagine blowing $2500 that my dad could build in his garage for next to nothing. But you have to admit she’s pretty damn pretentious. The comment about how she’d rather her children die than eat fish sticks? All the hate for this list comes from her obvious lack of reality, which I guess she doesn’t need since she’s crazy rich.

      • TomFrank

        Doesn’t the $2500 include the custom slotting? Not that a half-hour of woodworking (at most) justifies that expense.

      • Carrie

        Giggle @ custom slotting.

  20. I wonder how the interviewer hear that with a straight face. Penguin Classics, wallpaper, photography how about food,water or oxygen.

    • Carrie

      I bet if this article would have been for Woman’s Day or Self the list would be completely different. I, for one, love it when a celebrity lists Chapstick or Burt’s Bees carrot hand lotion as some of the things they can’t live without.

  21. This I know....

    that a fully engorged penis sliding in and out of her perfect pale ass from behind until it releases a flood of warm baby batter up her butt should be number one on the list.

  22. taz

    Yep she is really PC……………………………………………..a pretentious cunt!

  23. AtomicMug

    Things that I (a 45 year old male who lost his job and apartment and now have to live with my parents (Thanks, Obama)) can’t live without.

    1. My Blanket – it keeps me soooo warm when I sleep and it gets chilly.
    2. My Sears & Roebuck electrical outlets – I plug electrical things in them and the electrical things work!
    3. My Colt 1911 Pistol – Classic lines, and simple semi-automatic cartridge feeding system will make my eventual suicide a snap!
    4. My Empty Gatorade Bottle – We only have one bathroom in our cozy Cape, and two septuagenarians are constantly in the bathroom and take forever.
    5. My September 1994 issue of Hustler – For when I’m feeling romantic! ;)
    6. My Empty Pizza Box – I don’t really love it, but I just haven’t gotten around to throwing it away.
    7. My PS3 – A great distraction from my daily routine, and a terrific way to wile away the hours before my forthcoming suicide.
    8. My Commando Flashlight I Bought from the “As Seen on TV” section of Staples – Sometimes I drop stuff at night and the LEDs shine like moonlight, but brighter so I can see.
    9. My Copy of “The Girl in the Dragon Tattoo” My Friend Gave Me a Year Ago but I Haven’t Finished – Everyone says it’s an awesome book!
    10. My Citalopram Prescription from the VA – It makes me moderately happy!

    • Carrie

      You, my dear, are great.

    • Frank Burns

      You sound like an ideal candidate for my strike team! My mission is to break into Gwyneth’s house, and take a huge dump in the bathtub she says is in the middle of her bedroom. In case my bowels clench up, you can be the secondary shitter. Will provide you with a diet of burritos, cold coffee and bran muffins in the hours leading up to the event.

    • barbosa

      don’t let another’s narcissistic perception of what is a ‘must have’ let you think you are any less valuable as a human being. Things get better but how are you supposed to experience it if you are not around so cheer up and take each day as it comes.

    • Dr Ha-Ha

      Bravo. But where is your ‘internet connection for viewing online porn’ entry? Hustler alone surely cannot suffice a grown man.

    • AtomicHug you fucking win all!

  24. Allie

    Just felt the need to point out… Ive seen that book shelf she was talking about on a website that sells elite oddities. In the description, the artist said that he made the bookshelf that way in order to offer up his opinion that the world would be a better place if we all held the different religions at the same level. She didn’t think of it… It was made for that reason. I really wish she wouldn’t have acted like it was her original thought. Made me bristle…

  25. LadyA

    Topping the list…. food.

  26. Chris

    Let’s don’t read any of those religious books or have any religious discussions. Let’s take a complicated, conflic-filled, deeply-personal issue and reduce it to pop art.

    Christ. Even the Penguin Classics aren’t talked about as reading material but just some kind of touchy-feely sensory experience.

  27. andy bellboy

    She’s like the world’s greatest unintentional troll.

  28. ghost

    Am I the only one hoping her kids take crayons to that hand painted wallpaper?

  29. barbosa

    what kind of fucking list is that… what a egostistical, haughty, big-headed bitch… stop being so elluding gwen.. we know the items are really 8 different types of anti-wrinkle cream, botox and a mirror that tells you how fair you are.

  30. Ty Webb

    Pretentious , Bourgeois, and unimaginative, the Trifecta of self – involved hollywoodites that have lived a life of priviledge

  31. Al Czervik

    I would pay good money to watch her play Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver

  32. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle Decor
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice grandma face here, GP.

  33. Ed

    What about the solid gold bidet that washes her ass with the tears of the working class?

    Seriously though, this is why no one feels bad stealing movies from the internet . . . the thought of supporting such snobbery with my hard earned dollars makes my skin crawl.

  34. Katie

    Unfortunately make-up was not included.

  35. JMC

    9. Separate marital beds. “Evoke individualistic harmony and balance.”

  36. JMC

    Seriously though, Drew Droege, it’s you isn’t it?! Gwyneth’s the new Chloe Sevigny.

  37. Priorities

    Hey, you know what children on the Horn of Africa can’t live without? Food and water.

  38. caleb

    Where was Media attention on the list?

  39. Lily

    Her resemblace to Gollum it is quite remarkable

  40. the one

    she is still fruitful?
    if yes: SANITARY TOWELS, folks!!

  41. wim

    she is still fruitful?

  42. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle Decor
    Commented on this photo:

    What a pretentious cunt.

  43. hi dare

    really great discussion here everyone, carrie, urns, all. keep up good commenting.

  44. Cya later

    What an insufferable, self absorbed arrogant twat. Someone needs to take little miss high-and-mighty & introduce her to the realities of life. Us average folks are struggling to make ends meet; not being able to live without baby sealskin seat covers for our $250,000 porsche isn’t exactly one of our main concerns…

  45. :P

    ok she’s a cunt, but in all fairness the hand-painted wallpaper is fucking GORGEOUS!!!

    • AtomicMug

      I agree.

      But Sherwin-Williams’ “Jungle of Monkeys” wallpaper/border combo (see is fabulous! It’s like living in a lush rainforest. And it’s only £12.9p for a double roll!

  46. how to get rid of pimples fast

    Awesome work once again! Thanks a lot:)

  47. MZK

    She’s a terrible fucking actress and that’s the bottom line.
    She sucks balls at what she does.
    The rest is all BS

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