Ladies and Gentlemen, We’ve Achieved Maximum Gwyneth Paltrow
Let’s be frank. I’ve written some shit about Gwyneth Paltrow over the years, but I would’ve never come up with something this good even if I saw David “Avocado” Wolfe buttsex an entire IKEA to get the toxins out. There are my bullshit little clown jokes, and then there’s the hilarious, fart-quafting pretentiousness of reality, and it wins every time. And you want to know how it wins every time? Quinoa whiskey.