Scale Not The Walls For Goop For See You She Shall Not

“Riff raff! Riff raff climbing the walls! FIRE THE TURRETS!”

While attending a “country-club-themed bash” (Read: Beyonce wasn’t invited.), yam lube enthusiast Gwyneth Paltrow completely ignored a couple of fans who scaled a wall just to see her because we’re failing the mentally ill in this country. It’s a disgrace. Page Six reports:

Spies said that security escorted “a few unwanted guests out” of a private party at an estate in a gated community after the crashers tried to sneak in by jumping over a wall into a backyard.
“They were trying to catch a glimpse of Gwyneth, who somehow didn’t notice the entire incident,” said a spy.

Alright, I probably shouldn’t do this, but here’s how you get close to Gwyneth:

First, find out where you can get a good vagina steam. It’s LA, so there can’t be more than 100 places. 250 tops. Second, case the joint to find out when Gwyneth takes a mugwort cloud to the free-range clam-box. Third, during her next appointment, stroll in like your noonerhole’s been vaped a thousand times before and say shit like, “Well, I read that if you rub basil pesto on your butthole, bees will fly onto your face and sting the cancer out.” Then finally, act all surprised and go, “Oh, I’m sorry, is this a strip club that exclusively hires 22-year-olds?” She’ll come to you. Unless she sees the knife.

Made out of Peruvian elephant tusk to shave your pubes together! Haha, what did you think I meant? (Don’t answer that.)

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