We’re Now At Critical GOOP: Moses Wants To Be A Rapper Just Like ‘Uncle Jay’

April 24th, 2013 // 26 Comments
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Because being named The World’s Most Beautiful Woman by People magazine wasn’t enough, here’s Gwyneth Paltrow telling E! News that Moses wants to be a rapper just like – wait, for it – his “Uncle Jay.”

“My son would like to be more like Uncle Jay,” Paltrow tells us. “He asked me the other day how he could look more like Uncle Jay. I said I would have to think about it.”
Turns out, the kid’s got some budding musical chops there.
“My son is an amazing hip-hop little guy—you can’t believe it,” the star says proudly.
“I got a note from his teacher the other day. She said, ‘Dear Mrs. Martin, I would just like to tell you that all the children sang me ‘Happy Birthday’ today, and afterwards, Moses did a spontaneous rap that was acutally brilliant.”

“So then I’m like, sheeit, how’m I going to explain to this little nigga that he can’t be like my for real nigga? Next thing I know, gotdamn ocelots are tearin’ up the hand-painted wallpaper. My black ass can’t catch a break.”

Photos: Raef-Ramirez/AKM-GSI


  1. mel

    this stinky piglet becomes more and more unlikable by the fucking minute!

  2. Jeremy

    “Them ocelots be crepuscular as FUCK, yo!”

  3. Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin Toys R Us
    Commented on this photo:

    Apple sucking her thumb at what age? Nice job parenting you douchebags. God I hate them.

  4. The Most Interesting

    E! News can also report that the note ended: “Yale can use an international airport, Mrs. GOOP.”

  5. Deacon Jones

    “He asked me the other day how he could look more like Uncle Jay.”

    Smack yourself with a frying pan on the lips 50 times.

  6. oh_dear

    Just when you thought these Causcasian chicks couldn’t get any whiter. . .

  7. “I got 99 problems and wheat gluten is most definitely one”

  8. JC

    I’m sure his Cousin C. Thomas Howell could tell him all about how he can be more like Uncle Jay through his experience on the set of “Soul Man.” But only if Moses uses organic tanning pills made from the tears of a bald eagle mixed with the honey of the most aristocratic European bees.

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin Toys R Us
    Commented on this photo:

    “Son, wouldn’t you like to sing some Coldplay songs, just like daddy?”

    “Hahahaha . . . oh sorry dad, didn’t know you were being serious.”

  10. grobpilot

    The “Most beautiful woman in the world” looks like she’s trying to squeeze out a two-pounder, just like the rest of us common folk. Nuthin’ special.

  11. Tiggles

    Paltrow continued, “Don’t you people get it? Beyonce and Jay-Z are black, blackity black black black, and they are my friends. For an elitist white girl limousine liberal like me, that is like a Christian baptism, a Hindu punyahavachanam, and a Shinto misogi all at once! Its just proof that I have a greater natural spiritual enlightenment than the rest of you, without the tedium of actual religiosity, which is so passe. Bask in my beauteous glow, and like me, like, like me!!”

    • Ripley's Believe It Or Not

      Nice, Tiggles, nice. “What a goddamn self-absorbed b*tch” would’ve done just as nicely, but your effort cuts the mustard nonetheless.

  12. Uncle Jay? Please Goop United is whiter that corn bed, right Negro !

  13. Didnt her son write that rap song “Whole Foods Parking Lot”.

    Best song ever Moses.

  14. CrashHell

    Just when I was on her side for all the trite crap people give her as being so “hated”, she goes and says this…AND TOTALLY CONDEMNS HERSELF! YOU PRETENTIOUS PARAQUAT!

  15. Deacon Jones

    “Jay Z…dont even get me started on what’s in fried chicken, let alone the trans fatty monoacids that are generated by the deep frying process, it’s your worst nightmare!”

    “..haha, YEAH”

    “Can my son call you Uncle?”

  16. bill

    Hanging with this idiot has ‘Uncle Jay’ in the express lane to ‘Uncle Tom’.

  17. Martin

    She is such a pathetic desperate clown with that grab a black person and make with we got a close relationship. Nobody is buying that uncle Jay shit. Can this bitch go away for good and take that wimpy lame fake so call husband with her.

  18. SMB

    …that whole n-word thing up there? …you have a ghetto pass …it’s cool.

  19. And bang, just like that, I hate her again. Sigh..

  20. If she really wants to prove her street cred, she should walk alone from one side of Detroit to the other. She won’t make it 10 blocks, and no one will ever see her again. She’d probably shit herself the instant her foot leaves the limo and touches the pavement.

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