Gwyneth Paltrow Demands You Cease These Mommy Wars At Once

May 9th, 2014 // 28 Comments
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Gwyneth Paltrow sat on the veranda sipping cool, tiger tear tea from a Mesopotamian clay pitcher while watching the ants on the street scurry about their empty peasant lives devoid of macrobiotic yoga mats (tasty and utilitarian) and hand-painted starfruit sniffing bowls. Everything was right with the world. Or was it? For soon her mind turned to that fateful moment when she spoke words that were not embraced by the hoi polloi for the knowledgeable colonic they were. Words that simply reinforced the fact that her thespiatic schedule of working one-to-two weeks a year in Wisconsin was a damnable prison compared to the plight of the common mother who knew nothing of better living through $1,800 Chino pants fashioned in Bruges. And so had begun the Mommy Wars. With Tyrion Lannister defending her flanks, she had no reason to appease this riff-raff, but logic prevailed and instructed her that some of them might be wealthy and/or become so soon. And so Gwyneth wrote. She wrote like a woman on fire with passion and peace at her back. Soon, every childbearing woman would rise up and embrace her call to end this war, and then perhaps even sooner after that, purchase a $300 scone holster from her website. Her genius was at full capacity:

[Ed. Note: These are actual words written by Gwyneth Paltrow and not me being a dickhead. I couldn't make this up with all the Martha Stewart Living and pseudotherapy catalogs in the world. I've tried.]

Ending the Mommy Wars

A few weeks ago during an interview, I was asked why I have only worked on one film a year since having children. My answer was this: Film work takes one away from home and requires 12-14 hours a day, making it difficult to be the one to make the kids their lunch, drive them to school, and put them to bed. So I have found it easier on my family life to make a film the exception, and my 9-5 job the rule. This somehow was taken to mean I had said a 9-5 job is easier, and a lot of heat was thrown my way, especially by other working mothers who somehow used my out-of-context quote as an opportunity to express feelings (perhaps projected) on the subject. As the mommy wars rage on, I am constantly perplexed and amazed by how little slack we cut each other as women. We see disapproval in the eyes of other mothers when we say how long we breastfed (Too long? Not long enough?), or whether we have decided to go back to work versus stay home. Is it not hard enough to attempt to raise children thoughtfully, while contributing something, or bringing home some (or more) of the bacon? Why do we feel so entitled to opine, often so negatively, on the choices of other women? Perhaps because there is so much pressure to do it all, and do it all well all at the same time (impossible). Below is a somewhat radical piece by Brigid Schulte, which has provoked many a discussion here in our HQ, and even a tear or two.

To every single mother out there, have a wonderful Mother’s Day.

Love,
gp

I’d love to say I read the “radical piece,” but I made it about two paragraphs in before I tried to beat myself to death with a Venetian smelt humidor which was not easy to find. Apparently they only made 200 of them, but you know what they say? If you’re going to store smelt, make sure you store it in a Venetia- holy shit her devil magic is working. Canned cheese! I NEED CANNED CHEESE.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. pbjuicy

    You mean wet-aged grass fed kobe waygu fillets Gwenneth. Bring home the wet-aged grass fed kobe wagu fillets.

    Your welcome.

  2. Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Store
    Frank Burns
    Commented on this photo:

    “Ballad of the GOOP Beret,” from the trenches of the mommy wars:

    Fighting GOOPster from the sky
    Eat canned cheese, she’d rather die
    More enlightened than you, you’ll hear her say
    The brave Gwynny of the GOOP Beret

  3. Bane

    This chick bleeds mayonnaise.

    • Cher X

      Hush that talk. Mayo is a fattening condiment used only by the lower class on their base ham sandwiches. Gwyneth bleeds only the finest yak milk cultures provided fresh daily from a small tribe of farmers in the outer region of the Himalayas.

  4. Cock Dr

    The whole stinking thing makes me even more adamantly pro abortion.

  5. Ah, and there it is. She has hoisted the “single mother” flag, albeit made of hand woven, organic Egyptian cotton.

  6. All of us

    Please punch her and make her stop. Or punch me and make it stop. I just can’t with this woman. She has the self-awareness of Limp Biskit combined with the originality of Milli Vanilli. It’s not that everybody hates her for a reason, it’s that everybody hates her for a LOT of reasons.

  7. JBap

    That all sounds eminently reasonable. Perhaps I’m missing some context?

    • Mellllzy

      You are right. What she said is completely reasonable and we would not bat an eyelid if ANYONE else said it. But because she is such a gigantic wanker, anything she says makes you roll your eyes. Which is a shame in this case, because her message is actually a good one.

  8. Pretentious twat.

  9. Slash

    To be fair to her, she’s right that many (if not most) “mommys” ARE judgmental, egotistical bitches who think they invented parenting and never fail to celebrate their own awesomeness for passing a kid through their loins while telling us all that if another mother does something in a different way, she’s harming her own children. They hold forth on every single element of childrearing and if you don’t agree with them on all of it, they’ll regale you with “facts” they got from the internet (where nothing is ever bullshit) and their own precious personal experience, which is superior to all others, including that of trained medical professionals.

    So I’m gonna decline to rip Gwyneth a new one for this. Even if she does imply that she’s like all the other embattled mothers, when in fact she’s among the very privileged few.

    • You are so right! I’ve witnessed a couple of insufferable mothering catfights up close. I always feel pretty safe and very relieved not to be part of it, until they notice that I’m childless by choice and the hissing begins. And their eyes roll back in their heads. And that crazed momma pheromone smell happens – which is actually just babypoo.

  10. Humpinfrog

    Suck my tit whilst I man straddle your urbane, principal, angulate shaped donkey hole and micturate in it, you sardonic biatch! – Working moms everywhere.

    By the way, didn’t she start opining about her life of hardship and struggle first? Thus her retort above if I may be so bold. Cheerios!

  11. And because you prefaced Gwyneth’s comments with a mention of Tyrion Lannister, I read that “breastfeeding too long” line and couldn’t help thinking of that time we first met Lysa Arryn. Oh, who am I kidding—I would have thought of Lysa breastfeeding 8-year-old Robin whether you brought up Game of Thrones or not.

    “I’m hungry!” *lunge*

  12. I laughed so hard at “scone holster” that I’m pretty goddamn sure I broke something.

  13. She really has no idea how much of a pretentious asshole she is or what people think of her, does she? She is literally in her own little world.

    • D-chi

      Maybe she bought her own world with all the Iron Man money. Because she surely does not live in my $10/hour world.

  14. cc

    ‘So, whenever I was mad at him, I gave him a blowjob, and it still wasn’t enough to save my marriage. I mean, what the fuck?”

  15. Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Store
    donkeylicks
    Commented on this photo:

    “What, me worry?”

  16. Jenn

    She’s right about giving each other a break. I still can’t stand her pretentious, silly ass.

  17. Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Store
    Jack Hoff
    Commented on this photo:

    “Chris wanted me to have them this enlarged out to here. I said no and then ‘uncoupled’ with him.”

  18. Juniper

    That picture so needs the caption, ‘Chris really didn’t have a choice – I just reached for them like this and pulled them off. I now keep them in my smelt Venetian humidor.’

  19. “Obviously, I can’t afford a night with you. But this little brunette, while not as slim, classy and beautiful as you, is kinda cute. How much to spend the night with her?”

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