Gwyneth Paltrow’s Children Won’t Ruin Your Authentic Spanish Wedding With Peasant Talk

November 21st, 2013 // 31 Comments
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Let me just start off by saying, yes, I completely understand and appreciate that teaching children to be multilingual at a young age improves cognition which is why Europeans stare at us the same way we watch Honey Boo Boo put more butter in her s’getti. That said, it still doesn’t make it less bourgeois horseshittery in taupe when Gwyneth Paltrow does it, and I shan’t be a party to discourse that suggests otherwise. I SHAN’T BE A PARTY. Us Weekly reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow wants her kids Apple, 9, and Moses, 7, to be well-rounded and worldly — so much so that in an effort to teach them to be bilingual, she sometimes encourages them to speak with her only in Spanish, a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly.
While at Cameron Diaz’s Beverly Hills home for the Oct. 12 wedding of Diaz’s assistant, Jesse Lutz, the Iron Man 3 star, 41, urged her children to put their language skills to use. “Gwyneth reminded them through the party,” a witness tells Us.
“At one point,” the onlooker says, “Apple came to her table and asked, in Spanish, if she could sit on her lap!”

In fairness, she does a similar thing at Beyonce and Uncle Jay‘s house where the children are encouraged to speak in the dialect of their hosts. Which – haha – led to this absolutely ribald conversation where – snort – Apple asked Jay Z – ohmygod I can’t – if they’re going to have another baby so they can get more money from – *bites fist* – the “gummint.” She literally said “gummint!” You had to be there. Plus it was a good question. She heard her organic couscous pop that night.

Photos: Getty


  1. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    “No no. Don’t make eye contact with the peasants. And dear, do try not to breathe the same air as them….”

  2. Mohawk Disco

    The bright side: when her parenting results in spoiled-ass douchebag kids they’ll be able to tell their mother in three different languages to fuck off.

  3. She’s way too pretentious for words. It’s a good thing she can act likeable on camera.

  4. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    She is so pretentious, she wore a rorschach dress to a Christmas party.

  5. Convex

    Great. Paltrow is bad enough, but now she’s raising her kids to be artificial, pompous morons, who she will no doubt inflict on us, ala the Smiths with their god-awful spawn, when she determines the moment is right.

  6. tom

    I still would.

  7. D-chi

    I still maintain that Europeans are multilingual because there are dozens of dialects and languages in a space the size of, like, Texas.

    • That’s the obvious answer.

      • D-chi

        People just act like Americans are so uncultured because most of us just speak one or two languages, but the real reason is that it literally is not practical in everyday life to know French, German, Spanish, Italian, English, and Dutch. It’s not a necessity. (That being said, I love languages and think people do themselves a disservice when they only learn English.)

      • knowledge is power my friend. and no, Americans are not considered uncultured only because they don’t speak any language other than English

      • Bob

        Not practical? How about it being rewarding? Watching French movies without dubbing or reading German literature in its original text has always been a pleasure to me. Heck, English isn’t even my first language.

  8. there’s a good reason her husband doesn’t spend time with her. she is No bueno.

  9. Jade

    She works so hard at being pretentious. She must be a very unhappy person. I don’t feel bad for her — I can’t stand her and what she does — but it must suck to be so unhappy with yourself that you have to play at life 24/7.

  10. Its not pretentious to make your kids talk to you in Spanish so they learn the language. That’s how most Latinos stay bilingual. And plenty of Americans are multilingual. Latinos and Asians ARE american too you know. People like Honey Boo Boo aren’t the only ones who are natural born Americans.

    • Dude what’s your point as I’m very multilingual. Name any language ,and I can tell you to “fuck your mother ” due to my large circle of (Insert nationality) -American born friends? I feel pretentious empathy with Gwyneth.

      • Bob

        Being able to say a few curse words in a language does not make one multilingual. How do I know? I’m a MOFO linguistics professor who speaks 4 languages fluently. So, who’s pretentious (and rightly so) now?

  11. crb

    Even European royalty aren’t as snobby as this jumped-up 2nd-gen new-money brat.

    Pshaw! Hear that? I am pshawing at you and your bush-league pretensions, Goopy!

    If I want authentic snobbery, I’ll just request an audience with the King of England, only to be insulted on some pretext of national-extraction or religion.

    Honestly. Is her last name Hearst, Astor, Vanderbilt, Getty, or Rockefeller? -Yeesh.

    New-money blingers. Dees-gusteeeng! Acch-ptui!

  12. eh

    How dare she take the opportunity to make her kids speak a different language! What a bitch! Not better than us, not better than us!

  13. whatever

    You do realize that she is the next Angelina Jolie.
    A female who all other females hate because those bitches are self-absorbed, holier than thou, friendless skanks. They’re just all phony about their children and how perfect they are. They are really bitches who have no friends, because they treat friends like they treat food, with disdain.

  14. Dr.J

    No. Agan with the pinch-hit writer. I DON’T like it. It feels so wrong.

  15. Me

    Why is it pretentious for her to insist her children learn a language that 1/3 of Californians speak? A language that the majority of blue-collar workers in the US speak. If she was insisting her children learn Norwegian or something, then it would be pretentious.

  16. If a revolution ever happened, I have a strong suspicion that she would be one of the first people executed at the gallows. She is pretentious and annoying on a whole other level.

  17. BlinkyTheFish

    The pretention is all in the fact she told her kids to only speak Spanish at a wedding which, being in America, I am assuming there were plenty of people who spoke only English as well as the native Spanish speakers. It’s all about making Gwyneth look awesomely cultured and like a super parent. No wonder VF is looking to take her down in the upcoming article. It’s great when someone’s a good parent, has bright kids, does well in life. What no one likes is someone who never ceases to publicly belittle people in backhanded ways who aren’t as bright or rich.

    • Me

      Whatever. If anything it makers her seem more down to earth that she would instruct her kids to speak the language of immigrants working menial jobs.

    • Bob

      I speak 3 different languages with my kid: my first two (I grew up perfectly bilingual) and the one he speaks at school. Yeah, I’m only doing it to show off [rolls eyes].

  18. I heard Mr. Martin was trying to get her to take up that sport Christopher Reeve was into with horses, logs, and jumping, all watched by fake people with fake applause.

    Maybe she can to the horses in Spanish.

  19. ace11

    I wonder what happens the day her kids find those pics of he naked with Brad Pitt on the net

    how will she explain that, in Spanish?

  20. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Smug bitch being smug.

  21. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Ten bucks she’s knocked up.

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