Gwyneth Paltrow Is, Like, Punk Rock

“And nothing rocks harder than the adhesive power of Post-It brand Post-It notes. Mosh it out, Katie Couric.”
“Oy! Talk about sticky.”

Gwyneth Paltrow might be known for her illustrious bourgeious pseudo-science lifestyle full of vagina steams, yam lube, bee-sting facials, and $956 ass wipes, but at the end of the day, she’s just a “punk rock kid.” Which you can tell by the way she sold out to LinkedIn and wrote an essay as their newest “INfluencer.” Get it? RAWK! \m/

Anyway, I’d break this thing down, but literally nothing I’d write would fully capture the fart-quaffing essence of each and every paragraph that could’ve easily been shortened to, “Ohmygod, can you believe I’m famous and doing the internet?” I’m not even joking:

“I had a perfectly good day job at the time and though I could not have anticipated what goop would become, I was thoughtful about what it might be one day…”

“Not that I was the first to dream of creating a lifestyle brand. And I’m not sure it’s even empirically true, but I was credited with being the first actress of my stature to, well, become a founder, an entrepreneur.”

“There have been many weird obstacles as I’ve navigated this world as a woman previously very well known for doing something else…”

“I (basically) walked away from a career where people kissed my ass to being grilled by a VC or my board.”

“When I starred in the hit movie Iron Man, I didn’t even know what the internet was. Did it have gluten in it? Will it give my kids autism? Should I test it on Beyonce first like so many other things I’ve slipped in her food? But I pushed ahead.”

Okay, I may have made up one of these.

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