Gwyneth Paltrow Only Lets Her Kids Watch TV In Spanish Or French Oh Jesus Christ

And now for another exciting installment of “Pretentious Shit Gwyneth Paltrow Said That You Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried, God, What A Cunt.” This time around, Gwyneth opens up to InStyle about how her children Phineas and Ferb aren’t allowed to watch television that speaks the King’s English because it’s only international dialect for her little ones after an autumn day handpicking Polynesian animation shorts from the French Borajaneux Le Frere Jacques. Via the Daily Mail:

Speaking to InStyle magazine, the mother-of-two said Apple was ‘cross’ as ‘I only let them watch TV in French or Spanish’.
She added: ‘When I’m in France, I go to [Boulevard] Beaumarchais and buy all their cartoons.’

But if you think Gwyneth Paltrow is all gluten-free kelp twigs and no half tablespoon of non-organic vanilla yogurt, bitch knows how to party:

‘What I’ve learned is that I want to enjoy my life, and food is a big part of it. I love to cook and feed people. I cook every day.
‘My indulging is a fresh baguette with cheese and a glass of red wine or french fries and fried zucchini. Or a turkey burger.’

Aw, snap, turkey burgers? Shit just got got, son, ’cause DJ Cotton Gin’s in the hand-painted HIZZY. “Y’all niggas holla if ya ever tried to buy Beyonce like property. HOLLAAAA!” (If anyone tries to say this isn’t exactly what it’s like to hang out with Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ll shoot you in the teeth and call you a liar.)

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN