Gwyneth Paltrow Only Lets Her Kids Watch TV In Spanish Or French Oh Jesus Christ

September 18th, 2012 // 81 Comments
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And now for another exciting installment of “Pretentious Shit Gwyneth Paltrow Said That You Couldn’t Make Up If You Tried, God, What A Cunt.” This time around, Gwyneth opens up to InStyle about how her children Phineas and Ferb aren’t allowed to watch television that speaks the King’s English because it’s only international dialect for her little ones after an autumn day handpicking Polynesian animation shorts from the French Borajaneux Le Frere Jacques. Via the Daily Mail:

Speaking to InStyle magazine, the mother-of-two said Apple was ‘cross’ as ‘I only let them watch TV in French or Spanish’.
She added: ‘When I’m in France, I go to [Boulevard] Beaumarchais and buy all their cartoons.’

But if you think Gwyneth Paltrow is all gluten-free kelp twigs and no half tablespoon of non-organic vanilla yogurt, bitch knows how to party:

‘What I’ve learned is that I want to enjoy my life, and food is a big part of it. I love to cook and feed people. I cook every day.
‘My indulging is a fresh baguette with cheese and a glass of red wine or french fries and fried zucchini. Or a turkey burger.’

Aw, snap, turkey burgers? Shit just got got, son, ’cause DJ Cotton Gin’s in the hand-painted HIZZY. “Y’all niggas holla if ya ever tried to buy Beyonce like property. HOLLAAAA!” (If anyone tries to say this isn’t exactly what it’s like to hang out with Gwyneth Paltrow, I’ll shoot you in the teeth and call you a liar.)

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Splash News, WENN


  1. Cock Dr

    Because English is such a plebian language.

  2. She is such a pretentious little twit. You just know her husband has to ask permission before he does anything. “Gwyneth, am I allowed to go to the bathroom?” “SPEAK IN FRENCH, OR DON’T POOP AT ALL!!!”

    • Burt

      Nothing pretentious about raising your kids to be polyglots. What’s pretentious is thinking you’re special because you can speak your native language.

  3. What a pretentious cunt. I bet her children hate her guts. She’s an American and her husband’s and Englishman. Why the fuck is she forcing the kids to watch only Spanish and French cartoons.

    Child abuse comes in many forms. I have deep hatred for her now.

  4. Snack pack

    Unbeknownst to GP, the cartoons she bought are the French and Spanish versions of South Park and ATHF.

  5. Marceelf

    “Moses, would you like your ass kicked before or after dejeuner?”-Every kid in school.

  6. it had to be said

    Spanish? So, her kids can watch Sabado Gigante but not How It’s Made? Smooth call, Paltrow.

    • Arzach

      There are educational TV programs in English and french too, did you know that? It is like if someone compares an educational program from another country with Jersey Shore.
      She is a pretentious cunt , yes, but I don’t see a problem on educate their children on other languages besides their first language which I bet they speak at home and at school. It is called culture, and you don’t have to be rich to have it.

    • YEs

      How come America is full of retards that love How its made? Rarely, I come across something wanna know how its made. But if youre retarded, you can watch that shit 24/7. Its retard porn.

  7. Her children who now?

    Please tell me those names are made up. I’m afraid to Google. They would almost have to be, but for the fact they belong to the most sophisticated person on Earth with an IQ under 70.

  8. Bane

    She probably shits mayonnaise……

  9. Smapdi

    After ‘indulging’ in a few glasses of red wine, Paltrow continued: “What I’m trying to say is that I detest America and everything it represents. I hate that I was raised there, and I won’t be satisfied until I’ve starved or purged everything American from every cell in my body. And there’s no fucking way I’ll let my kids be even remotely American, I’m generally not violent but I’ll beat them silly in a fit of rage if they try. Americans are coarse and stupid, while anyone non-American is refined and enlightened, like me. God, I just hate America! So very much!”

  10. Jack London's sober moment

    Paltrow 25:14. And the children of the earth–the Moses, the Apple, all of them–shall only frolic in the romance languages and shall only consume raw turnips and vegenaise. Lo, they will become cross, but heavy is the burden of the righteous.

  11. Joanne

    god she’s annoying

  12. cc

    I’ve heard that also only let’s her children watch ‘auteur’ films.

  13. Beaver Underground

    She makes Kim Kardashian look like a genuine woman of conscience.

  14. Inner Retard

    She likes to cook?! C’mon, she probably has a maid just to look up the word ‘kitchen’ in the dictionary.

  15. “Hé, tabarnac, Gwyneth. Arrête de nous niaiser avec cette ostie de marde, mon câlisse de plotte de chienne sale.”

    Get your kids to translate that for you.

    • Since Gwyneth would insist that her children only learn la vraie française de France and not some lowly Quebeçois patois, her kids would be clueless.

    • Sliver

      Sayeth Google Translate:
      “Hey, tabarnac, Gwyneth. Stop fooling us with this ostie of shit, my CALISSE of Plotte dirty bitch.”
      I think I get the gist of it. Tre magnifique! LOL. Ostie of shit. Haha.

      • Fuck google, it knows not of French Canadian swear words – Iveski deserves to be appreciated in full for a great string of profanity!

        F.C. profanity centers around the Catholic Church – taking liturgical terms and words that weren’t to be spoken outside of worship (sacres) and making them into obscenities was a way to rebel against the clergy’s almost absolute authority back in the early 1800s.

        Tabarnac comes from “tabernacle” – and it pretty much means “fuck”, “fucker” or “fucking” (as an adjective).
        Ostie is the most common sacre and comes from “host” (as in sacrament), câlisse comes from “chalice” – they mean about the same thing.

        TRANSLATION (loosely):
        Hey, fuck, Gwyneth, stop pulling this fucking shit, motherfucking cunt dirty bitch.

      • *bow*

        I work with a number of French Canadians… they’ve taught me well all the juicy bits no one would teach me in school :)

      • They taught you well, grasshopper.
        Actually, since you put “mon” in there, I should have said: [that] motherfucking cunt dirty bitch.

    • Burt

      Franchement…Tu ne réalises pas pourquoi les unilingues anglophones Américains ici sont hostiles envers elle, pourquoi ils se ressentent menacés par le fait qu’elle a la sagesse d’éduquer ses enfants dans une langue autre que l’anglais? C’est du tribalisme, pur et simple. Alors, pourquoi tu joues ce jeu? C’est assez évident que t’es plus intelligent que ça.

  16. EricLr

    Christ, it’s going to be funny when those kids get to be teenagers and start burning down houses and going on multi-state crime sprees. “My mom was a pretentious bitch who only let me watch gay French cartoons!” they’ll yell, as the police drag them away.

    Of course, by them Gwyneth will be unavailable for comment, as she will have long since had herself sealed in an organic-friendly polymer shell–to ensure that she never again has to do anything as vulgar take a shit or talk to commoners.

  17. JentheBod

    She is the type of parent that make me hope her kids eat their boogers.

  18. Bonky

    “My kids aren’t even in their teens and yet every weekend they read all the newspapers looking at apartments for rent. Imagine that, they are so independent they want to move out already.”

  19. Craptard

    I think I’ll send apple and moses a copy of the Menendez brothers’ book. give them something to think about. I think in their case, no jury would convict.

  20. She’s doing them a favor. This way, there’s less of a chance that they’ll have to watch any of mommy’s awful movies

  21. El Jefe

    She is the most pretentious, annoying asshole ever.

  22. Gloria

    Is putting your kid in French immersion school pretentious then? My parents got us to watch plenty of Chinese-language TV and movies when we were kids if only because it helped us retain our Cantonese.

    It’s kind of annoying, but no worse than other parents — immigrant and working class, and middle class — trying to force their kids to learn foreign languages. The idea is that the kids will be speaking English socially and learning from plenty of other sources.

    • But did your parents let you watch anything else outside of that? What she’s doing is only allowing them to watch French and Spanish cartoons, nothing English or American. I have no problem with having kids learn multiple languages when they’re young – it’s actually an ideal time for that. But as nifty as Asterix and his Spanish counterpart are, she’s going to stunt them in other ways by not letting them have any exposure to anything else. They might speak English socially, but good luck relating to any other American kids on any basic topics.

      I’m praying for the irony when Gwyneth discovers, too late, that their little French and Spanish playmates have only have been allowed to watch English and American cartoons.

      • Burt

        …Stunt them? What language do you figure they speak at home?

        And I’ll have you know that I grew up watching mostly French cartoons…Didn’t create an hindrance at all in my acquisition of English. In fact, I did my graduate studies in the UK at a top ranked school in my field of study.

      • Gee, then how is it that you aren’t able to read with comprehension?

        I wasn’t referring to their beng stunted when it came to speaking English – if you actually read what I wrote, it’s quite clear I was referring to their being able to interact with American kids in terms of commonality, not language per se, vis-à-vis Paltrow’s aggressively editing out anything crass and *shudder* American from their lives.

        And I’ll have you know that I wasn’t exposed to French cartoons until jr. high, yet I also managed to do my graduate studies in the UK at a top ranked school. FYI, “in my field of study” is a tad redundant.

    • Burt

      You get it, but they don’t. These unilingual American anglophones going all tribalistic, feeling threatened, by the fact that one of their own 1) she married out of the tribe 2) she wants her kids to speak a language they don’t understand. It’s the sort of crap you learn to watch for in basic social linguistics class.

      • There’s nothing wrong with getting all the education you can as soon as you can, and if you have the opportunity to learn different languages at an early age when you absorb things like a sponge, you’re really lucky.
        HOWEVER – it can certainly be encouraged in a non-pretentious manner without a shit-ton of snobbery attached, and without shitting all over the culture you happen to have been raised in. This is what’s so fucking annoying about Gwyneth – she’s condescension incarnate and she really has precious little to be condescending about. I don’t notice her turning her back on any scripts that happen to be in English in favor of a project that would only be available on DVD on the Boulevard Beaumarchais, so to dump all over any cartoon or film or comic that’s Made in America (or England, or Canada), and to insist on the exclusivity of offerings that are only in French or Spanish is pretty motherfuckng hypocritical of her, considering how she makes her living.

        Oh yeah, pardon my French.

      • Also, I believe you’ve misinterpretedthe comments. No one is calling for a moratorium on learning other languages because they feel threatened. The comments run to disgust that she felt the need to diss English, which DOES happen to be her native tongue (as well as her husband’s) by denying her kids cartoons in that language.

      • Yeah Burt, that’s what you said earlier with the aid of the internet, asshole.
        Justi is wiping the floor with your pompous ass.

  23. popwilleatitself

    I find her to be the definition of pretentious but I also rarely find her attractive. In this photo, though, she looks smokin’ hot. I have to give her that.

  24. you don't know me

    American children getting a proper education lol no wonder you’re all bitching about it!

    • Burt

      Exactly. Most well educated Americans I know are polyglots, and the ones who aren’t able to speak a second language willingly admit it’s embarrassing.

  25. Black

    I cannot stand this piece of crap woman. Just overdose already!

  26. Black

    Brad Pitt is probably high fiving everyone, since he got rid of her!

    • Burt

      Cough, cough…Angelina Jolie’s mom is French, she been studying French for about 4 years, and they have a home in France.

  27. McClownerton

    Is it too much to ask for Miley Cyrus to shove an overfried fairground corndog down her throat while slamming an empty PBR can against her coiffure?

  28. Happy_Evil_Dude

    Fun fact: there isn’t even a DVD store on Boulevard Beaumarchais

  29. Boston_Freek

    The referral to her kids as Phineas and Ferb: You, Sir Fish, are fucking brilliant.

  30. Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks For Sharing TIFF Premiere
    Commented on this photo:

    come back fish!

  31. Sliver

    I don’t know why this twat hasn’t written a book containing her gems (more like brain droppings) yet. It would be a best seller for the simple fact that people would buy it just to laugh at her expense and at the same time find it hard to believe that anyone could be that far-removed from reality. A whole chapter dedicated to making her kids hate her through her ideas on food and entertainment for children. The ideas are endless. I find her idiocy insanely amusing, and look forward to what she shits out next. Reminds me of some tripe I read recently on Martha Stewart’s grand-daughter’s 1st birthday party having no kids, just adults there. Rich people, LOL.

    • She already has a blog to enlighten the plebian class on how to live as she does, now you want a book, too? Haven’t we all suffered enough?

      • She’ll probably come out with a book consisting entirely of her favorite blog posts, and her fans will snap it up even though they’ve read them all before and can easily access them for free online: “Yes, but her book is made from paper handcrafted by Nepalese monks, and bound by Ecuadoran organic cruelty-free glue. The $45 price tag is totally worth it.”

      • Sliver

        Some of us are martyrs, justi, don’t take that away!

  32. bitingontinfoil

    This woman is a caricature. Totally out of touch wih reality.

  33. Peter

    good posting. this is good show

  34. fraggot

    I don’t get why people are so pissed about this woman having her kids watch shows in foreign languages. It’s not a big deal and there’s nothing wrong with exposing children to a foreign language. It’s actually a wonderful thing, in my opinion, that her kids are learning foreign languages. Even if English is the first most important language in the world, it can be highly beneficial for a native-English speaking person to be bilingual, especially when their children when it’s the easiest. They learn fast!

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