Gwyneth Paltrow Wants You To Put A $66 Rock In Your Vagina
As if the news about Wonder Woman being a disaster wasn’t a big enough setback for women, Gwyneth Paltrow has taken her obsession with the vagina to its next stage of evolution: Charging idiots money to shove random things in it. In this case, a $66 Jade Egg that’s currently sold out on goop because I’m not sure if you’ve looked around at America, but it’s dumb AF right now. As for why someone would drop close to $70 to cram a rock up their “yoni” – When did that become a term? Strike that. Never tell me. – it apparently makes you better at the sex. Also, for the record, if you click the link below, you’ll totally see a drawing of a woman about to shove a stone egg into her nooner-hole that I did not make wallets of. Where do you get this stuff?
The strictly guarded secret of Chinese royalty in antiquity—queens and concubines used them to stay in shape for emperors—jade eggs harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, and a Kegel-like physical practice. Fans say regular use increases chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general. Shiva Rose has been practicing with them for about seven years, and raves about the results; we tried them, too, and were so convinced we put them into the goop shop.
Wait, back it up. “Crystal healing.” Yup, it’s official. Gwyneth Paltrow is off the reservation. She’s been skirting around the edges for a while now, but this is it. And don’t even bother to send a search party because all you’re going to find is a crazy woman shoving random objects into her baby chute. And I’m talking anything. Turtles, ears of corn, garden gnomes. It’s not going to be pretty.
“You guys, I think I found her. She’s down by the river!”
“I’m not leaving until this beaver dam is inside of me! I NEED ITS CHI!“