Gwyneth Paltrow is Here, Gay People.
You’re Safe Now.

June 9th, 2011 // 70 Comments

“Except the poor ones. HIYEEE!”

Because she’s been on Glee once, Gwyneth Paltrow is an expert on gays now and dedicated today’s GOOP newsletter where she tackles homophobia’s roots in The Bible while offering up an anecdote that she expects you to believe didn’t end with her beating Apple with a riding crop for communing with peasants:

A few months ago, in the heat of the tragic teen suicides that came about from intolerance of homosexuality, I saw a man on television who was apologizing for wishing death on gays from his facebook page. This member of an Arkansas school board was contrite for the violence in his words, but maintained that his values pertaining to homosexuality would remain, as he felt homosexuality was condemned in the bible. This concept, while foreign to me, is interesting, as it used to justify so much judgement and separation in our society. When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, “Two mommies? How lucky is she?!” What does it actually say in the bible that will cause some people to be upset by my line of thinking?

Happy pride.

Love,
gp

What’s frustrating about this situation is I actually do believe The Bible is a fictional, heavily-edited document that’s a giant albatross around our country’s neck, except hearing Gwyneth Paltrow say it makes me want to join the Westboro Baptist Church. Because, seriously, if she’s on this side of the issue, maybe God really is killing soldiers to punish America for accepting homosexuals. I know that sounds horrible to think about, but on the opposite side of that coin is Gwyneth Paltrow knowing what the hell she’s talking about. I won’t have it.

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. aristotrash

    Worst Superficial post ever.

  2. Frank Burns

    The whole thing makes me sick. And by whole thing, I mean Goopy’s ass in picture #2.

    • hey it’s a butt shot.. perhaps if she’s serious about supporting the gay cause she’ll let me bone that bony ass of hers. consider that my contribution too..

      • rican

        If you want to make it count, you’d have to do her husband’s butt.

      • nah, long as i’m pitching into the dirt it’s a bona fide homage. sides, having same sex sex doesn’t make u gay that makes u too horny to care what u fuck. gay is about relationships etc. not to split hairs..

        anyone else old/cool/gay enough to rem tom robinson band? now they were activists worth listening to, at least in 77(?) had a few songs–glad to be gay, right on sister, 2-4-6-8 motorway.. three of my mates from school came out when they played rock against racism. it was like the billy graham of gay. must check if he’s still alive..

    • Tinklepants Astronaut

      I don’t think that’s her ass, I think her shoulder blades slid down her back into her pants.

  3. chainsawbuzzkill

    Still got my fingers crossed for a series of elitist bitches getting pwned this summer (because I can’t wish for elitist bitch suicides).

    “Here’s how awesome I am as a mom! I’m so fucking wise!”

  4. Milo

    What a boring fucking post!!! Come on Fish!!

  5. Cock Dr

    “Gwyneth Paltrow knowing what the hell she’s talking about.”
    Well, she seems to run her mouth off a lot. She’s gonna be accidentally right once in a while.
    Doesn’t something in the bible decree that men who don’t wear beards be punished by death?
    Or is it the other way round?

    • AtomicMug

      Well, I’m not sure what the Bible says, but if you’re a hockey fan, and you didn’t grow a Playoff beard, you should kick YOUR OWN ass!

      WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GO Bs!

      • Cock Dr

        So many so called “sacred texts” out there. It’s hard to keep it all straight.
        I wonder who the “Bs” are. I’ll assume that’s a sports related WOOOOOOO.

    • Satan's bitch

      We call that the ‘blind squirrel’ theory, as in: “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while.”

  6. stratacat

    This is a suspiciously slow gossip day. Has anyone checked if Lindsay Lohan is still alive?

    • rusty shackleford

      haha no doubt…where is our daily fix of whatever contrived hijinks the jersey whores are brewing

  7. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Amir
    Commented on this photo:

    She has a very unfortunate backside, bigger on top, smaller on the bottom. Reminds me of any given granny.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow
    DOucHe BaGELs
    Commented on this photo:

    THAT’S RIGHT….YOU WALK AWAY BITCH!!!

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow
    DOucHe BaGELs
    Commented on this photo:

    continued…..”THAT’S RIGHT BITCH!!! KEEP WALKING!”

  10. Jamie

    Um, the bible actually says lots things about that. Like, really very many things about how it’s wrong to be gay. The point should not be to try to prove that the authors of the bible weren’t anti-gay, the point should be that it just really doesn’t matter what the authors of the bible thought.

    • TomFrank

      If by “very many things” you mean four passages. That’s right—in that whole great big book, there are only four passages condemning homosexuality.

    • Since the Bible actually has far more to say about the evils of masturbation, unproductive oral sex and why you shouldn’t marry widowed family members than it does about same-sex behavior, maybe that’s the place to start. The Bible actually doesn’t say “lots” about how wrong it is to be gay because the concept of “gay” didn’t exist during that time. The mindset then was that everyone was hetero and sleeping with little boys, little girls, farm animals, prostitutes and members of the same sex was just something men occasionally did – it was all part of having a hetero sexual impulse.

      Only in corrupted modern translations from the 1800′s will you find any direct exhortation againt homosexuality – and even then, the original text refers to temple prostitution so the “corruption” it refers to is about the act of paying for sex in general, not the type of sex. The big caveat should be that If you choose to follow its “teachings” that means you’ll never touch yourself again, will never wear a cotton-poly blend and will only have productive sex within marriage solely to create a child – and no marrying your dead brother’s wife or seeing your dad naked and drunk no matter what. Some big reasons alone to start being a tad skeptical about what you follow, altho I will give you the last one. (Dad’s no oil painting even when he’s sober.)

      • Cock Dr

        No way. I’m not giving up cotton poly blends. That’s crazy talk.

      • Johnny Cage

        Guys please keep in mind whenever you rant like this you should base your words on actual “facts” from the Bible. Trick is not to get pompous from xenophobic allegations from Kieth Oberman or stuff you learned from George Bush.

      • vitobonespur

        I hate to be a nitpicker, but could you please define “unproductive oral sex”? Is that as opposed to “productive oral sex”? What are the parameters/results that determine one from the other?

        And BTW, I’m going to pretend that I don’t like Gweneth Paltrow simply because reading this gossip blog leads me to believe that liking her would make me totally uncool. I hate being uncool.

    • Tinklepants Astronaut

      “And God didst behold the blog post, and found it boring as shit” – Bible, somewhere near the back.

  11. AtomicMug

    “Two mommies? How lucky is she?”

    Hmm, it depends: Do they look like Gwenyth Paltrow & Natalie Portman, or do they look like Aileen Wuornos & Chaz Bono?

    • Youdrink waytoomutch

      Hahaha! …good one! That fool, and other fools of her I’ll need to stick to their presumed forte, which I believe is …..acting?

  12. Goopy

    You just admitted you read Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog.

  13. Joltin' Django

    Hey Cock Dr, you’re talking about the Koran, not the Bible. If you want to snipe at someone or something, at least get your facts straight.

    That said, isn’t it ironic that the First Amendment — which allows the likes of The Superficial to post nip-slip pictures and snarky comments about celebrities — was written by a bunch of dudes who were heavily influenced by a “fictional, heavily-edited albatross” for which a lot of folks here have no use. Furthermore, other dudes (mostly dudes) who were influenced by said albatross bequeathed to the world things like the printing press, universities, hospitals, and charities, etc. … things for which a lot of folks here have a lot of use. (And before you start giving me a laundry list of dirty deeds, real and imagined, committed by Christians over the years, I suggest you read “The Black Book of Communism” and learn how many millions and millions – and millions – of people have been murdered in the name of atheistic Marxism.

    As Dale Gribble would say, that goes in my big book of so-theres.

    • I guess it’s a good thing we’re not limited to just fundamentalist christianity and Stalinist communism then, isn’t it?

    • d2d

      the founding fathers were deists. a quick google search could easily eradicate the facts that you failed to “get straight”. Also, who cares if the people who made those things believed in Christianity. What the hell does that have to do with anything? Did a magic man whisper the instructions for the blueprint for the printing press in Johannes Gutenberg’s ear? didn’t think so.

      law of averages; out of all the great accomplishments in history, if you threw a rock you would be bound to hit someone who believed in Christianity. so fucking what? Should I give credit to Christianity for “giving” me hospitals? Maybe I should thank Islam for “giving” me the ability to have surgery….because a Muslim surgeon named al-Zahrawi actually created the first surgical tools, dissolving stitches, and anaesthetics. So Christianity may actually owe Islam on that one.

      Shut the fuck up.

      • rican

        Geez d2d, you sound like G. Paltrow

      • rusty shackleford

        Joltin’ is right…
        Fact is: the greatest country in the history of the world was founded by a bunch of Christians. Sorry some of you can’t come to terms with it.
        All of the world’s strife is (and has been, for many years now) due to extremist Islam. But none of you atheists seem to have the balls to go after them.

    • Catholic

      Leviticus 19:27: “Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.”

      “If you want to snipe at someone or something, get your facts straight.”

      • Johnny Cage

        No he’s right, that is a Snipe. That little verse from Leviticus was part of a larger series of commandments for Jews in those days not to do funeral ceremonies like the pagans of that era. One things the pagans did to mourn ancestors back in those days was give themselves the Beetle’s like mob tops or bowl head cuts. They’d also cut the names of ancestors into their body, kind of like a weird tattoo. That was the way they went to their funerals.

        And since the Jews were not allowed to run after pagan stuff, thus the said law was put in place.

    • vitobonespur

      You’re comparing apples to…mmmm…road apples. Christianity is a religion. Communism is a system of economics having nothing whatsoever to do with any sort of diety or any religious beliefs.

      You might as well compare the atrocities committed in the name of God/Allah/Yaweh/Jehovah to the bubonic plague and the Black Death of the 14th century.

    • HEY HICK FUCK YOU!

      Thomas Jefferson was a atheist. So was Benjamin Franklin.

    • jackgibbs

      the founding fathers were more influenced by the enlightenment and the french revolution than they were by the bible. but cool story, bro

  14. Crabby Old Guy

    Oh, I am unworthy of the Goopster’s hipness. I shan’t even cast an eye on Her so not to be an affront to her awesomeness. So speaketh the Goop. How about we take a sack full of Bibles, Torahs, Korans and whateverthefuck you want to believe in and beat this bitch like she was a baby seal and we’re a bunch of crazed Ruskies?

    She could proclaim that it’s sunny in the daytime and dark at night and make it sound like 100 pounds of dog shit.

    Outside of that, I’m sure she’s great human being. But her mom is way hotter – still.

  15. Parker

    Well, here’s one ass I’d never be dumb enough to want to pork. I’d be too scared of smashing my weiner up against the stick she shoved up there a long time ago.

  16. josh

    GP is always making the overall level around her go down.

  17. It had to be said

    Wow. It’s working. I am a straight man, but when I think about Gwyneth I think it would be better to have sex with men than with her. How lucky am I?

  18. mike

    “And here’s ANOTHER thing you can do in your life once you stop having any sex at all…!”

  19. rican

    It must have taken Gwyneth about two days to come up with that statement.

  20. what what

    Well Gwenenth aren’t yooou soooo fucking progressive!

  21. Gwyneth Paltrow
    mikenike334@hotmail.com
    Commented on this photo:

    Shut the fuck up bitch. No one gives a rat’s ass what you think.

  22. terry

    She ain’t got no fucking ass. Man! And her face has been botoxed to death.
    But hey, she is Jewish and her people did write the bible so by association she should know a thing or two about homosexuality.
    What the fuck am I talking about! That bitch ain’t got no damn ass!

  23. Johnny Cage

    Dear Pepper,

    Tell the press you will do no more activism.

    -Tony Stark

  24. sunshine

    Oh, Good Lord, I never thought I’d live long enough to see the Bible quoted on the Superficial. Signs of the Apocalypse!

  25. stevebeagle

    another dumb twat who was born on 3rd base and thinks she hit a triple.

  26. Pat C.

    If my memory serves me, there were pretty clear passages in the Old Testament saying that a man having sex with another man was detestable, and possibly even (can’t remember) deserved the death penalty.

  27. Gwyneth Paltrow
    RivernEygpt
    Commented on this photo:

    In every picture there’s always some old white guy……..

  28. Gwyneth Paltrow
    GeorgeWBush
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, the ass of an 80 year old

  29. Oh Gwenyth the Oh So Knowing

    If Gwenyth’s IQ was greater than 10, she’d instead tell her kid that there is nothing particularily lucky about 2 mommies and 0 daddies, or 2 daddies and 0 mommies, 1 mommy and 1 daddy, 1 mommy and 0 daddies, 0 mommies and 1 daddy, or even 0 mommies and 0 daddies. It’s called life, dearie. All those combinations are normal everyday combinations lived by normal everyday people who are just trying to live happy lives and mind their own business. No gawking necessary.

  30. Pat C

    The answer to Gwyneth’s question:

    Leviticus 18:22
    “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination.” (KJV)
    “You will not have intercourse with a man as you would with a woman. This is a hateful thing.” (Jerusalem Bible)

    Leviticus 20:13
    “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” (KJV)
    “The man who has intercourse with a man in the same way as with a woman: they have done a hateful thing together; they will be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” (Jerusalem Bible)

    So, if you believe this is something God really said, it’d be problematic to excuse gay behavior (can’t find any text against lesbianism though. You go, girls!).
    But if you believe this just reflects the attitudes of the ancient Hebrew priests trying to keep their people from “going native”, then you could ignore it as no longer relevant (or never valid in the first place).

  31. dotmatrix

    I’d love to see Gwyneth and Gaga get into a real face-scratching, eye-gouging, hair-pulling cat fight.

    • gooptard

      That wouldn’t last 2 minutes – Gaga would just slap paltrow in the face a few times with her giant penis, knocking her senseless almost immediately.

  32. Gwyneth and Sean Penn are here to save the world. Eventually, they will mate. The child will be beheld for his sheer awesomeness. God will cease to exist, knowing he is now obsolete.

  33. LiLa

    There is nothing natural about the way she types. It’s like she went on thesaurus.com to write out that paragraph. Ugh.

  34. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Pokemon Mon
    Commented on this photo:

    EVERYONE IS JEALOUS!

  35. gooptard

    And how the hell could she be that skinny, and have such a fat flabby misshapen ass? If paltrow was really that smart, she’d have a much firmer, nicer looking ass. And nicer cans, too. God has clearly smited these homosexuality proponents like Gaga (smited with the big penis), paltrow (smited with tiny tits and horrible flabby ass) and Rosie O’Donnell (smited like nobody’s been smited since the pharoe). So ladies, if you don’t want to suffer the vengeful wrath of God, put down the gay rights picket signs, join up at the Westboro Baptist Church, and go make me a sandwich. Try and argue with that logic! So there.

  36. Gwyneth Paltrow
    zoya
    Commented on this photo:

    ha ha . . . she has ugly mom ass :)

  37. Chupacabra

    I can’t wait for the day her husband leaves her sorry ass. GOOP that, bitch.

  38. Shannon

    Bitch didn’t even spell judgment right. :\

  39. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Old ass lady.

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