Gwyneth Paltrow Makes Chris Martin Come to Brunch With Her Boyfriend

“Does she still make you put the crystals up there in the morning?”
“Dude, it’s so gross! How did you put up with that for 10 years?”
“I kept a box in the attic labeled ‘old band stuff’ that’s actually full of scotch.”

Gwyneth Paltrow is shoving her progressive, holistic love life down people’s throats again like a crystal to the yoni. She posted this picture of her ex-husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin, and current boyfriend Brad Falchuk hanging out and eating some sort of off-brand Nutella called Hot Poo. I hope, for her sake, that it’s organic because mine sure isn’t.

She’s trying to tell the world that just because her and Martin divorced after their 10-year marriage, that doesn’t mean that she still can’t force him to be civil with the new man that’s delivering her the D. That’s modern love for you, people. Back when my parents divorced, the two of them couldn’t be in a room together for longer than 5 minutes before somebody started yelling and threatening to take little Randy back to their mother’s for the summer. Chris Martin’s probably not like that, he’s in MFing Coldplay for chrissakes. The guy wrote a love song about the color “Yellow,” he probably doesn’t have a negative bone in his body.

Damn… maybe those crystals do actually work…
**Shoves a yoni crystal into butt, immediately regrets it**

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.