Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks You For Your Support

March 28th, 2014 // 18 Comments
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To us, the poor and downtrodden, it would seem like the entire Internet had a field day with Gwyneth Paltrow announcing she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin and quitting acting because it’s much, much harder than being a mother who works 9 to 5. Except we’re seeing things through a plebeian paradigm of noncelestial happenstance while Gwyneth possesses a metamorphic Rosetta Stone that allows her to see nothing but an outpouring of love and support which is why she left this generous offering of words on her latest chicken recipe:

P.S. CM and I in deep gratitude for the support of so many. ♥

And by so many, she means just Cameron Diaz because only Cameron Diaz is out there trying to sell this shit. Which makes this all classic GOOP.

“Gwyneth, I love all your recipes and buy all the clothes on your site. Thank you so much for acknowledging my support. You’re just so great.”
“That message was for a famous person whose life matters.”
“Oh… will you still GOOP in my mouth?”
“Is your bloodline pure?”
“… Yes?”
“I’m supposed I’m obligated then…”

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Don’t let the door hit you in the Ass on you way out.

  2. AteIsEnough

    Superficial, self indulging cunt. She’s so full of her own shit it’s scary…almost like Scientology. Wait………

  3. Slash

    OK, Gwyneth, you can stop now. You’re a shoo-in for Insufferable Bitch of the Year.

    Yeah, I’m calling it already. Bold, I know, but I think she’s got this thing sewn up. I’m thinking the only asshole who could possibly take it away from her is Trump.

  4. Can you imagine the persecution complex she is going to have now, with all this divorce shit? First, because she’s getting divorced, and second, because everyone is basically high-fiving Chris Martin for getting the fuck out while he still could. She’s going to be even more insufferable, I know it.

  5. I consciously uncoupled once, but only because I wasn’t wearing a rubber.

  6. Hugh Evers

    First off she is going through a tough time and deserves all the respect in the world.

    When someone is better than you it is customary to take your condescending dress-down like a trooper and don’t make eye contact. Sorry working mothers… I’m surprised you haven’t been called out for your easy life before.

  7. D-chi

    This lady. I don’t even know anymore. She truly lives on another plane of existence. Maybe the astral plane, like that girl who thinks she married Sephiroth. (The early 00s were a great time to be alive on the internet.)

  8. In the words of the Bard, “Shit happens.”

  9. goodwolfe21

    Why didn’t she coin this expression five years ago when my wife and I divorced…….” divorced?, naw, my wife and I just ‘consciously uncoupled’ “…sounds so much better…..or does it?…

  10. eh

    Having spent a few days watching this play out, I realized that poor people whining is worse than rich people whining, because the poor are also fat and ugly.

  11. theotherMSbitchhands

    I feel Ms. Paltry is elitist, self-entitled and a major bore. So, she won some award. How many handjobs (and God knows what else) did it take to get it? I hate it that she’s trying to force this whole domestic wunderkind thing on everyone. Dear Goopy, go away. I don’t want what you’re selling.

  12. Mama Pinkus

    I’m wondering what prompted Ms. Paltrow to consciously become such a snob……her mom does not come off that way, and neither did her father.

  13. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Smug bitch being smug.

  14. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Ten bucks she’s knocked up.

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