Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP Store Got Robbed

Gwyneth Paltrow’s pop-up GOOP store in New York was apparently burglarized on Saturday, and the surprising part is the thieves actually made off with valuable shit that could be sold in real life for money instead of a $28,000 queef oven with free GMO filter. TMZ reports:

Cops say the 3 men used some object to pop the locks on cabinets at the location and make a clean getaway with more than $173,000 worth of jewelry! Our law enforcement sources tell us some of the stolen items include:
– 1 Bvlgari bracelet worth $100k
– 1 David Weiss bracelet worth $40k
– 3 men’s Rolex watches worth $23k
We’re told 2 of the burglars distracted Goop employees while the third guy jacked the stuff. No suspects yet.

So naturally this is the most boring crime ever committed especially when you consider that this conversation had a pretty good chance of happening:

“Aw, shit, what everybody get?”
“Let’s see, I got… $80 moon phase dominoes? What the fuck?”
“I got a bag that just says ‘#BAG’ on it. Price tag says $1,400 though.”
*third guy walks out of bathroom*
“Yo, dude, what you get?”
$956 ass wipes, bitch, and none y’all ain’t ever making me go back to two-ply! *pulls out gun* Tender virgin new-growth fibres all day, son!”

BANG BANG BANG BANG!

Fin.

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Photo: Getty