Gwyneth Paltrow Would Like To Talk About Yam Lube Now

Because Gwyneth Paltrow is the only bee-stung, vagina-steamed hype man Gwyneth Paltrow needs, she let us know last month that she does the sex. And now as part of her ongoing closeness with, you, the common woman, she’s sharing the secrets of her boudoir and all the organic materials that moisten her Penile Catcher’s Satchel (GOOP, $1789). It’s practically Christmas if Christmas was a lubricated journey of erotic pseudoscience queefed into a digital newsletter that sounds like your mom wrote it.

Ladies and gentlemen, The GOOP Sex Issue.

It All Begins With Yam Lube, As Life So Often Does

After watching an episode of Netflix’s Grace and Frankie — starring (respectively) Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin — in which Frankie develops her own homemade lube (the primary ingredient being yams), we got to thinking. Seriously, though. We’d never considered what went into lube, and that it’s actually super toxic (the most popular options contain parabens, for one), and that we are in theory putting it into the most vulnerable and permeable part of our bodies.

Girl, How’d You Get That Cancer In Dem Titties? (Parabens)

Parabens have actually been found inside breast tumor cells. And while we cannot conclude that parabens cause breast cancer, we can certainly argue that our bodies do not efficiently metabolize and eliminate it from our bodies. So when the FDA (which does not even regulate what goes into our lubricants) claims that the amounts of parabens are too low to pose a toxic effect in the body, they may be correct if we’re talking about a single exposure.

If One Can Eat It, One Can Lube It

When it comes to lube, if it is safe to eat, it is generally safe to apply. If a lubricant is needed, I recommend organic coconut oil, olive oil, aloe vera gel, or almond oil — they are free from preservatives and are safe alternatives to conventional lubricants.

Say A Pussy Gets Dry, What Kind Of Organic Horseshit Would You Tell Some Idiot To Use?

Increase sources of omega-3 fatty acids, such as wild salmon, sardines, flaxseed oil, flaxseeds, pumpkin seeds, hemp seeds, or hemp milk. Any activity that increases blood flow to the pelvic region—like cycling—helps to increase natural lubrication over time. Topically you can apply Vitamin E oil or olive oil to the labia to help moisturize and strengthen the vaginal tissue.

And Coming Soon! GOOP Condoms, Made From Sort Of Free Range Animal Foreskin We’ll Rub With Salmon And Olive Oil Or Some Stupid Shit, They’ll Be $79.99 Per Half-Jimmy

But even a good thing can be improved and understanding what’s in our condoms can help drive consumers and drive demand for even safer options. Ideally, you want to find a vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynal-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom.

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