Gwyneth Paltrow’s Holiday Gift Guide Recommends The $956 Ass Wipes

“Butthole so clean it squeaks, n-words, wassssssssuppp?

Last year, I did full rundown of The 2014 Goop Holiday Gift Guide, which I’m not even going to bother with this year because there’s exactly one thing you need to know about the The Ridiculous (But Awesome) Gift Guide – Actual title. – and one thing only:

$956 ass wipes.

In case I stuttered:

 

$956. Ass. Wipes.

 

You can’t make this shit up, or apparently wipe it away without a second mortgage. Via The Frisky:

JOSEPH’S Toiletries is the most soothing and absorbent toilet paper in the world. Each individual sheet is a multi-layered microcosm of form and function constructed with comfort and cleanliness in mind. Tender virgin new-growth fibres are refined with a provitamin B5 and essential mineral coating to provide maximum skin protection even in dry use. The dendritic structure of the inner core provides optimal absorption while the outer layers act as moisture barrier for wet use. The ultra-gentle quilted surface provides profound softness.

While conventional toilet paper is a rough, abrasive Holocaust of your tender, delicate fecal matter offensively ripped from your body after a meticulously curated diet of organic, GMO-free living, Joseph’s Toiletries swaddles each tiny particle of your diligently handcrafted poo and prepares it for a proper transition to the after-life where it will wait comfortably for you in Heaven as a golden compost pile tended to by Cherub gardeners. Anything less is like shitting in an orphan’s face. Shitting in his poor, defenseless face after already enduring a day of being forced to wipe his unwashed peasant anus with Charmin. Fucking Charmin. Hasn’t that poor child been through enough? Where is your heart?!

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