GOOP Goes To Washington

Greetings, esteemed dignitaries, honored guests, and the young man who makes the asparagus water at Whole Foods. My name is Gwyneth Paltrow, and I’m here to talk to you today about GMOs. What’s a GMO, you ask? I honestly don’t know, but I can assure you it’s very bad because the woman who steams my vagina told me it is, and her children look like blonde little Dutch angels, so she must be doing something right. Holla! Sorry, that was for my black best friend Beyonce and her husband. We love you, Uncle Jay!

Now, where was I? Right, GMOs. GMOs sound like chemicals, and if there’s one thing I would never allow into my children’s body, it’s chemicals. Sometimes canned cheese because, hey, I can be the cool mom, but never chemicals. Our ancestors lived long, rich lives without injecting chemicals into their bodies to stave off “polio” or agriculturally modifying their food, and that’s why I want the government to arbitrarily label foods made with GMOs, so you know to buy it and throw it in the trash like I do every week at a random Walmart of my choosing. Of course, a vital part of this is making sure people know GMOs are bad which is why I’ve enlisted celebrities to constantly tweet about them even if none of these celebrities have a single clue what they’re talking about. When do we ever, amirite? *pauses for laughter*

On a final note, GMOs have enabled mass production of copious amounts of food that the poor might consume and give them enough strength to revolt. Not only does this put the wealthy elite such as ourselves in danger, but in the ensuing onslaught, my herbal yoga atrium might suffer cracks in its artisanal tiling before hired mercenaries – locally sourced – can humanely gun down these unwashed revolutionaries in their tracks. I think I speak for everyone when I say our children deserve better.

Thank you for your time, and $1700 hip hop clutches on GOOP, y’all!

*raises roof, sits down, texts through everybody’s speeches*

gwyneth paltrow texting

“Thank you, Ms. Paltrow. As you can see, properly labeling food…”
“i can haz snizz steam l8r? LOL”

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