Gwyneth Paltrow Sells Things On GOOP For $8, You Cheap Poor Hounds

“Ha! His shoes turned into skis! What an industrious n*gger that James Bond. (I can say that because I know Jay Z.) Ready the Doomsday Device.”

In a new interview with Glamour, Gwyneth Paltrow challenges her haters to bring their most top shelf of game if they wish to fornicate with her enterprise because she’ll have you know that are several items for purchase on her web portal that even the poorest of paupers can afford. Granted, it’s a shoelace – one, singular shoelace – that says “Bae” on it, but nevertheless.

GLAMOUR: When you face scrutiny—what do you do with that negative energy?
GP: Sometimes I’ll get annoyed if someone’s like, “Goop is so expensive.” I’m like, “Have you looked at the website? Have you seen the range of price points? ‘Cause we sell things that are $8.” I’m like, “If you want to f–k with me, bring your A-game. At least have all your information.”

In 2015, The GOOP Gift Guide encouraged people to buy $956 ass wipes. $956 ass wipes. The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide was a cornucopia of overpriced shit featuring a $285 zipper wallet and $54 sequin booty shorts for your kids. Keep in mind, this is also the same woman who was selling $1700 clutch purses with rappers names written on them. But Gwyneth Paltrow’s shit’s affordable, haters! Plus she checks each and every preservative in every item, so it’s not like you aren’t getting handcrafted artisan detail when you buy a $800 thimble of GOOP lip gloss. How do you put a price on that?

GLAMOUR: So true. For the new Goop Skincare, I heard you’ve been working closely with scientists on formulations, textures, and aromas; you’ve been choosing packaging, everything.
GP: With the skin care line, I’m a little bit nuts. There’s no point in making something unless it’s better than anything you’ve ever found. So I gave everyone [at Juice] a run for their money. My head of beauty started calling me the Princess and the Pea; one time we agreed on a sample, and I said, “Perfect.” Then another sample of it came, and I was like, “They changed it.” Some preservative changed, I could tell, and they were like, “Sh-t.” [Laughs.] But in the end, I’m proud of what we were able to do. This is effective, luxurious, and completely organic…. You could eat it.

GLAMOUR: Wait, you ate it, didn’t you? Tell me you didn’t eat it.
GP: For an entire month! [Laughs uncontrollably for several minutes until a publicist tells me this part is off the record.] Pssh! Don’t be hatin’ on my bitch like that. You and me, squad goals! [Squeezes hand cream into mouth.] CINNAMON, MOTHAFUCKAS! And, ooh, damn, is that daffodil. Delish.

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Photo: Getty