The 2014 GOOP Gift Guide Is Quintessential GOOP

We’re beginning our initial descent into the maw of the holiday beast where we’ll be slowly digested over the course of the next six weeks. So to speed up that process, here’s the 2014 GOOP Gift Guide which promises to try and stay under $100, yet immediately starts with a $285 zipper wallet that some asshole’s trying to call a “currency case.” For that kind of money, it should have a tiny panda inside that blows you, and before you say that’s ridiculous, I just told you a zipper wallet costs $285 because some jerk changed the name to “currency case.” You’re missing the trees for the Blowjay Panda.

Men In Cities: Literally shit you get for free from a hotel, but it costs you $100 through GOOP.com which is why it’s the second item on the page because holding people upside down and shaking them until money falls out is peasant’s work.

Personalizable Classic Duffle: A $395 duffle bag that you can put your initials on. How you survived this long without one is a testament to the poor’s refusal to die.

Travel Backgammon Set: Remember when GOOP said they’d keep things under $100? This is the $550 “Fuck You” to your face.

Il Bisonte Gold Leather Passport Holder: Because putting things in your purse without ensconcing them in leather is a pauper’s game.

Owen & Fred Shave Bag: Only $68, and it says “Handsome” on the bottom. It practically pays for itself.

Siwa Tote Bag: Ever see those cheap tote bags you can buy at Target for a dollar? This is like that except $79 more because it’s grey.

Alfredo Glass Carafe: It’s a $55 empty bottle. A fucking empty bottle. Jesus didn’t even make it.

Maine Farmed Sea Salt: If you spend $18 on this, you are officially the world’s biggest asshole and should die in a kayak fire.

Oswald Haerdtl Candy Dishes: Starting at $314, these take that promise to keep gift ideas under $100 and slaps it in the face with a gold-plated penis because M&Ms deserve a proper showcase. Have you no soul?

Arthur Umanoff Bar Cart: A $1,495 wine rack on wheels for the wealthy alcoholic in your life who hates walking.

Hansa Falcon: A $48 stuffed falcon that I’m 90% positive I made appear on this list with my mind.

Nathalie Lete Vilac Indian Teepee: Every child should learn to annex their playroom in the name of manifest destiny.

Mackage Lord Kids Coat: I’m sorry. You don’t spend $450 to make your son look like an Eskimo in The Matrix? Where’s the number for child services? I’m reporting you.

Atsuyo Et Akiko Chateau Magic Wand: Remember when Farrah Abraham turned into a pathological liar/porn star because her parents never told her “no” growing up? This was probably in her stocking.

Sequin Shorts: “Because every 12-14 year old girl should have $54 gold booty shorts.” – Gwyneth Paltrow, pretty much

Moon Phase Dominoes: You know how kids love to stack dominoes then knock them all over the place to the point where you’re missing at least half of them under the couch? That’s worth the $80 right there.

Nokona X Shinola Baseball Glove: A $435 baseball glove that does nothing but be a baseball glove. Haha! What’s poverty?

Juniper Books New York City Set: For only $585 more than the $100 price point this shopping list was supposed to stay under, you can get eight books with the vague and only description of “about NYC” to “turn any bookshelf into something else entirely.” Mostly a sign that says, “Rob me, I’m rich.”

And that’s where I tap out. Feel free to check out the rest of the list, and then let me know by carrier pigeon when we storm the wealthy in their sleep and beat them with their own $84 wishbone journals. I’ll bring snacks.

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