Gwyneth Paltrow Fondled Some Dude’s Testicles On British Television

Per the requisites of her royal lineage, Gwyneth Paltrow appeared on British television Friday night where in a fit of unscrupulous balderdash, she cupped a man’s scrotum in her hands for a cheap and tawdry laugh thus besmirching the crown and all of England. As to where this places her marriage to Chris Martin, Ms. Paltrow was quoted as saying, “Beyonce person, please. Ain’t nothin’ but a tofu-ken wing.” She’d later announce her plans to “shoot up” a lentil bodega for not selling fresh, macrobiotic bean dust for her to feed her children a teaspoon of for dinner. “Not in my house! Although it is more of a Parisian villa with Cambodian fusion decor, but the principle stands!”