Here’s How Gwyneth Paltrow Rids Her Body Of Our Pedestrian Filth

First things first, Gwyneth Paltrow flies commercial. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself from the floor and/or nearest fainting couch. — We good? Perfect.

The New York Times recently asked Lady GOOP for her tips on travel, which aren’t even worth repeating because it involves hiking with Komodo dragons – Not even a joke. – and more importantly, here’s how she purifies her system after being exposed to us, the unwashed masses, as we eat our nut proteins from foil bags instead of a Peruvian vagina sleeve satchel. I mean, foil, have you ever?

Do you have a regular routine you follow when you’re on planes?
I drink tons of water, and I have a vitamin sachet that I put in it. Also, I moisturize my skin and put on a mask. I try not to eat rubbish either. I’ll pack salad and fruit. If I’m going on an overnight flight, I’ll drink whiskey or a glass of wine and then go to sleep, but on day flights, I try not to drink. When I land, I try to find a sauna to sit in for 20 minutes to help me sweat out all the germs from the plane.

What do you if you don’t feel clean enough after that?

Lasers. I laser my skin off with lasers. Then I apply a Chilean seal bladder cream to my scorched skin while I wait for my Fleshcatcher to return with a fresh day’s assortment of children’s epidermis. And it sounds crazy, but I’ll do this five times a day if someone even sneezes near me or shows me a can of cheese. But afterwards, I have a margarita, because being a mom, right?

UPDATE: Photo Boy did some Googling, and you want to know what a vitamin sachet is? Emergen-C. This cunt-crepe (twatwaffle’s fancy cousin) calls Emergen-C a “vitamin sachet.” Goddammit…

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Photos: Getty