Gwyneth Paltrow is Talking About Gwyneth Paltrow Again

August 3rd, 2011 // 89 Comments

Gwyneth Paltrow is the cover interview for the September issue of ELLE who refer to her as “The Spellbinder” because she’s so “unexpectedly funny” and not at all as insipid as every single word that comes out of her mouth suggests. Words like these for example:

On her famous friends coming to see her at the Grammys:
“This story always makes me cry … It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé!”

On how everyone tells her to “be herself.” (This is going to be a theme.):
“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

Did I mention her friends are famous?
“Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go … in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

And she’s not prim:
“Doing Chelsea Handler is like doing Howard Stern: You’ve gotta rise to the occasion. It’s good to shock people who think of me as the prim Gwyneth Paltrow.”

She just happens to know a lot about finding organic wine in France. And vagina waxes:
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

You’ll also be surprised to learn Gwyneth Paltrow is an inspiration:
“What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

But, again, she just wishes people saw more of the real her who’s dirty and funny. Has she brought that up before?
“If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On dispelling false rumors of her leaving Chris Martin by basically saying she’s already laid out the groundwork for leaving him. Clever girl…:
“Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad. You can never be relaxed or smug and think, I’ve got this thing. That’s also part of it—keeping yourself on your toes. I’m not going to take this for granted.”

So here’s the story they’re shilling for now:
“He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music. I get it.”

What’s amazing is this is only a preview of Gwyneth’s interview and already I want to beat small chimney sweep children to death with an organic olive oil basted baguette or however they do it in Bruges these days. Because, seriously, if Gwyneth Paltrow dies and doesn’t turn out to be a Bond villain all along, I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

Photos: ELLE


  1. Donald Trump

    I can’t stand this beeeotch!!!

    Who the hell would buy her CD? Exactly what is her demographic? Snobby, self-involved, can’t-smell-your-own-poo, rich people?

  2. but I wonder, what is Gwyneth Paltrow REEEALLY like? She always leaves me hanging, usually with a noose around my neck.

  3. Stupid, stupid fucking cunt. And drop a few more names why doncha. And fuckhead all wine in France is organic, it’s only the stuff they export to the states that’s chock full of sulphides and that’s cos of American laws..

    Please go in the studio. I’m sure you won’t sound as retarded as Capn Kirk doing Lucy in the Sky.. Or maybe it will.

  4. Natasha

    What a stupid name dropper, and the way she talks about her husband, I don’t think she even likes him. It appears that she’s only with him for the ride, you know, hanging out with his rock buddies and wanting to live his rock star life.

  5. TSW

    Every time I hear this woman talking about how down she is with all of her black friends, I’m reminded of this website:

  6. Lion O

    All the plastic surgery to be average at best. lol

  7. LJ

    “He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music.”

    Isn’t that the same line that Gene Simmons used on Shannon Tweed while he was out fucking hundreds of women on the road?

    • Cock Dr

      Actually Chris Martin STEALS other people’s music and presents it as his own creations….for his fans.
      I’m sorry, it’s an involuntary reaction to this cunt’s smugness.

  8. bobblehead

    I love how Gwyneth always manages to insult other people when she aggrandizing herself and her actions.
    Like her “lame famous couple” comment which means that Gwyneth thinks that famous couples are lame. Sorry Brad and Angie. And she also implies that Chris Martin is worried that people will think of her when they hear his music. He’s so insecure.

  9. G

    I agree with all of the statements above…I’d still do her.
    Love the long legs…

  10. JC

    Gwyneth Paltrow, self-obsessed snob extraordinaire, and Chris Martin, maker of some of the most gutless, soulless, crappy music in recent history. Their children must be the human equivalent of Wonder Bread.

    • Gwyneth Paltrow

      I’m so saddened you would say this since Wonder Bread is full of albino wheat and is far from organic. As I was saying to my good friend Mario Batali, who was inspired to go into cooking through my encouragement alone, my children and I are really the human equivalent of quinoa, which is a pseudocereal (and not a true grain). It also has the virtue of sounding special when it really isn’t. So do like I do – find a fake grain to identify with and just be you!

      • HogwartsOnline


      • CranAppleSnapple


      • Catherine, Seattle, WA
        I do not understand all the negativity against Gwyneth, she is one of the most talented woman out there, she can so anything!! I just don’t get it. Gwyneth, I admire everything that you do. Do not listen to these uneducated, jealous people that have no idea what the Fuck they are talking about. So what that you know alot of people who happen to be celebrities, I mean that’s the business that you are in and are around famous, talented indiviual’s. You take care of yourself and truly care for others and are a wonderful wife and mother.
        A true fan and have so much respect in all that you have accomplished.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Oh hi Gwynni. *Eyeroll*
        Hey Catherine, if you are chubby she will pat you on the stomach and say “Get it together.” What a sweetheart, right? I’ll bet her kids are suicidal or starved fleshless by the time they’re 12.

    • Gwyneth Paltrow

      Catherine, I’d also be baffled by it, but since I have to focus on trying to bring my high standard of living to the rest of you plebs I can’t be bothered. Really, who cares? You seem well-meaning and kudos for being so cognizant of my worth and self-esteem, but like most Americans I can see you’re not too well educated, which is why so few of you make the cut at my dinner parties. Tant pis, people, it’s reality.
      If you ARE packing on the pounds you should really switch to a macrobiotic diet and an obsessive exercise program so at least you’ll have that going for you! You also might want to invest in a pair of cashmere socks so you have at least one luxury item in your drab little life – nothing inspires a woman like cashmere! Well, other than having a rock star husband whose career and concerts you can completely ignore. It does wonders for me because the kids are always overly concerned with not taking MY feelings for granted, rather than focussing on his silly little musical-thingy tours. As it should be!

  11. Cock Dr

    Here’s proof that a tall blonde movie star who’s skinny & rich can be totally vile. Her narcissism is nauseating.

  12. dontkillthemessenger

    She comes off as a “tad bit” self absorbed. I would still hit it though.

    • NTT

      I bet the fantasy of nailing her is far superior to the reality. Just a thought.

      • Jesus, Jr.

        I’d be willing to test your theory on her.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Yeah, I’ll bet she just lifts a leg while still wearing hessian exfoliater pyjamas and an organic goat curd face mask and filing her nails and going “Ow Ow Ow.”

    • CB

      Id love to hit her too…Like Chris hit Rhi-Rhi, only harder, for longer and with more detail.

      • MisogynyIsNeverFunny

        yes, that’s what was missing on this thread… a comment condoning violence against women! thanks for being *that* asshole.

  13. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    freakin’ Elle and a lipless albino elf in a too-big sweater and a ponytail tied with string is the best they can come up with. it’s brilliant.

  14. SHE's a PITA


  15. Venom

    Basically what I got from this interview is that she has threesomes with Beyonce and Jay Z.

    She is an idiot, but she is kind of hot, so yes I would.

  16. Girl

    So what you desperate losers are saying is basically being “Hot” trumps everything else.

    • Ed

      Why are they desperate losers for thinking that? The media rams it down our throats 24hrs a day everyday from the day we’re born.

    • Venom

      To answer the question of the fat middle aged housewife, yes, her being hot does trump most things when it comes to putting it in her ass and blowing it all over her face.

      Next question.

      • Girl

        Sorry Venom to hear you’re wife is fat and middle aged. Thanks for explaining why you’re a desperate loser.

        Keep dreaming.

      • Venom

        Wow, you are truly a fat super loser.
        There is no way to take my comment and make it sound like I am talking about a wife I could have.
        If you are going to try to be clever and funny, then you actually have to work with what you have and what the person says.

        Your retort quite frankly, was just sad…

      • Venoms chubby wife

        @ Girl

        DONT YOU KNOW WHO VENOM (my hubby bitch) IS?

        He has:

        (rents) the downstairs of one of the houses you saw on Jersey Shore

        owns a 400 sq ft trailer outside Boca

        “owns” 14 cars (4 geo trackers, 7 – 1987 ford taurus’ and 3 yellow mercury capri RS’ for me)..they are technically my mommas cars cuz she owns the lot Venom works at, but fuggedaboutit. they are ours per say.

        Were rich bitch. More than anyone on here.

    • Bj

      Look, Girl, these guys aren’t saying that they respect her opinion because she’s hot. They’re saying she’s hot, therefore they don’t CARE what she says. There’s a very big difference.

  17. Me kneeled by the side of my bed tonight: “God please allow Gwyneth to be herself. Let her do her God”

  18. PoorMaryKelly

    If you’re a kid named Moses and your mother’s this twat, you’re either gonna need a straight jacket or you’re gonna be an English, Scott Disick type,arrogant, horrible asshole. Can’t wait til he turns 13 and starts wreaking havoc on the world. Ugh!

  19. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Jigga What?!?
    Commented on this photo:

    Man……this is just confusing my weiner entirely.

  20. DeucePickle

    Tom Cruise once told me that it isn’t very cool to be name-dropping. Harrison Ford agreed.

  21. she can talk she wants. it will just go over my head as I stare deeply over her hot legs.

  22. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’ think i would believe someone ripping off Lady Gaga.

  23. I’d like to make a human centipede out of her but the only person IMPORTANT enough to be attached “lip to ass” to Gwyneth Paltrow would be another Gwyneth Paltrow.

  24. I’d wax her vagina. With my spooge.

  25. wait a sec...

    ‘”Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!”‘

    I wonder if Beyoncé would have been so pleased if she’d seen her blackface routine whenever crazy in love came over the P.A.

  26. The Critical Crassness

    How is an article about a self-obsessed person talking about….themselves considered worthy of its’ own post?..This belongs in the “Crap” know the toilet!

  27. stratacat

    “Did I mention I have black friends? They’re black.”

  28. Satan's bitch

    Does she ever really talk about anything other than herself? It’s a given that famous people are notoriously self-involved, but this bitch takes the all-time prize! I wanna slap her so hard her grandmother feels it.

    Off with her head!

  29. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hi, I’m Gweny, I don’t like American trash like you.”

  30. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Jigga What?!?
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s besides the point…it’s just that her boobs are sending some serious mixed messages. On one hand — cool. On the other hand — total confusion.

    They’re making me develop a fetish for doilies.

  31. Billy Rubin

    Pretentious is as pretentious does

  32. Edgar Gascoyne

    In my country , she is the kind of woman we go to when our mistress is on the rag

  33. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    Hard to tell where the legs end and the Goop begins.

  34. Jon and Kate Plus Hate

    asdkljiksdfjasdfa…………….I can’t find the words to describe my disgust with this vile piece of filth.

  35. Minerva Smelibut

    Every once in a while God farts

  36. Arzach

    It’s kind of ying and yang here , you know, wanting to punch her in the face or fuck her just as hard

  37. SimoneDeB

    Gwyneth, thanks so much for the wonderful titbits about your life. I also think it is just awful when your concierge sends you to dull places full of little people who don’t know any better. I have also been wondering how I can talk less about myself, but like you I have the problem that I am just more wonderful than any of the other people I know. It is tough to be so much better than regular humans, and I think it is great that you take the time to explain to them how it is that you distinguish yourself from them on a daily basis. Let them eat homemade-organic-fat-free cake, I say!

    • Gwyneth Paltrow

      Thanks oddles for the sympathy, but since I stay at the Ritz in Paris and never have to slum it like so many lesser unfortunates, my life is unsullied by grubby little concierges directing me to substandard unorganic eateries. If you pay closer attention – and you should be hanging on my every word – you can see that people importune ME as to where to find the best places to be go Paris, especially while being pubic hair-free. Since you really weren’t able to comprehend that, we both know that you can’t possibly be as fabulous or as inspirational as I am. Sorry, but accepting your shortcomings is an important part of becoming the best person I can inspire you to be!

      • The Critical Crassness

        The verbosity of your commentary exposes the true depth of your ignorance, for a truly intelligent and fabulous person could frame a significant and comprehensive retort in far fewer than 122 words. Poser be gone with you!

  38. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    “Shit. How did this pic from the Shining Path conference get mixed up with my Elle photo shoot?”

  39. D-chi

    An olive oil-basted baguette sounds delicious.

    Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

  40. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    My Left Nut
    Commented on this photo:

    Sexy as hell leg pose. Damn!

  41. Gwyneth Paltrow Elle
    Commented on this photo:

    She just had the idea to turn a bunch of puppies into a coat.

  42. Veronica

    I’m surprised she admits to being friends with Americans. They’re so uncouth! I can see all the jealousy on here. If you’d all work on your social graces and discipline yourself a bit better, Beyonce would come to your dinner parties too.

  43. Edgar Gascoyne

    Reminds me of bart simpson in an episode where he acts obnoxious constantly to get everyone’s attention. She also seems quite earnest in attempting to convince us that she’s educated and sophisticated , only I find her to be very gauche and awkward . Faux intelligent , faux sophisticated , faux accomplished . Sh’s from a Hollywood family , and married a “famous” musician. She is using up precious oxygen .

  44. Donald Trump

    I have an urge to bitch slap her with my flaccid penis.

    No wonder Chris is out banging other chicks….this one is insufferable!

  45. Bernard Goldbloom

    For someone that “knows” so much , does she know she has small tits and crappy hair?

    • ohmeygehd

      ahhahahah i was just going to say. did the people doing her shoot just catch her sniffing her armpit, snapped the shot, and went “fuck it, that will have to do.”

  46. sasha

    Gwyneth, you have inspired me to be less arrogant, and self-centered.
    You do realize we are all laughing, right?

  47. Basil Pemberton, Esq.

    Pretentious , bourgeois, and gauche. The Trifecta!

  48. Mohammed Akbar

    She has the look of a woman who believes she is superior to others . I will bring into my emirate and she will be brought swiftly to her knees , with many Princes and sheiks in need of her services

  49. Chief Slapaho

    The funniest thing is this is her trying to sound down to earth. In reality, I’m sure she couldn’t be bothered to spit on a commoner if they were on fire.

  50. Willy Ketchum

    She and Beyonce have nearly identical skin color , so they can easily “friend ” each other without crossing racial lines .
    She kind of a wigger , without really “wigging”

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