Gwyneth Paltrow is the cover interview for the September issue of ELLE who refer to her as “The Spellbinder” because she’s so “unexpectedly funny” and not at all as insipid as every single word that comes out of her mouth suggests. Words like these for example:
On her famous friends coming to see her at the Grammys:
“This story always makes me cry … It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé!”
On how everyone tells her to “be herself.” (This is going to be a theme.):
“Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”
Did I mention her friends are famous?
“Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go … in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”
And she’s not prim:
“Doing Chelsea Handler is like doing Howard Stern: You’ve gotta rise to the occasion. It’s good to shock people who think of me as the prim Gwyneth Paltrow.”
She just happens to know a lot about finding organic wine in France. And vagina waxes:
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”
You’ll also be surprised to learn Gwyneth Paltrow is an inspiration:
“What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”
But, again, she just wishes people saw more of the real her who’s dirty and funny. Has she brought that up before?
“If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”
On dispelling false rumors of her leaving Chris Martin by basically saying she’s already laid out the groundwork for leaving him. Clever girl…:
“Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad. You can never be relaxed or smug and think, I’ve got this thing. That’s also part of it—keeping yourself on your toes. I’m not going to take this for granted.”
So here’s the story they’re shilling for now:
“He makes music for his fans, and he doesn’t want people to conjure a lame famous couple when they’re getting into his music. I get it.”
What’s amazing is this is only a preview of Gwyneth’s interview and already I want to beat small chimney sweep children to death with an organic olive oil basted baguette or however they do it in Bruges these days. Because, seriously, if Gwyneth Paltrow dies and doesn’t turn out to be a Bond villain all along, I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.