Gwyneth Paltrow Got Drunk And Talked About Her Shaved Vagina

“Sir, my pubic hair is of the purest, most royal silk. The local villagers call me, ‘Senora Pussy Softest,’ and offer to bathe it in their finest oils. In some regions of France, it’s even rumored to cure polio. Polio.

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t eat, so if you opened a bottle of wine in the next room she’d be pissing in an Urasian urn without wiping with the Mona Lisa not even five minutes later. So here she is calling into Australia’s The Kyle and Jackie O Show after physically consuming a martini which led to her talking about her shaved vagina and making a remarkably subtle dig at Madonna for someone who probably puked on a tiger rug as soon as she hung up. Via E! News:

On how she really hated this year’s MET Gala in case she hasn’t said that enough:
“Like you always think, ‘Oh my god. This is going to be so glamorous and amazing and you’re going to see all these people.’ And then you’re there, and it’s so hot. It’s so crowded. Everyone’s pushing you. This year it was really intense. It wasn’t fun. … Kanye West was playing and he was furious and he threw his microphone down. It was all drama!”

I’m pretty sure this was aimed right at Madonna:
“I feel like we’re all a bit old to be trying to dress punk.”

On shaving her 70s bush for her ridiculous dress at the Iron Man 3 premiere:
“I said, ‘No, I got a big ’70s bush.’ Which I was kidding. … But then it was all a disaster and now I look like an 8-year-old girl, basically.”

In related news, Chris Hansen just called and said this is his crime scene now and something about hauling Chris Martin in. He kept talking like Batman, so I only caught bits and piece- shit, he saw the Kendall pics. CHEESE IT!

Photo: Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News