Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Actually Put Crystals In Her Yoni

We’ve mentioned Gwyneth Paltrow’s lady-blog GOOP around here before because it’s like pinch hitting a doped-up Jose Canseco in an under-10 tee ball game. If you’re unaware of what goes on at GOOP it’s like the back section of your local farmer’s market where a woman is brushing a goat while a guy with dreadlocks is talking about the benefits of living in a yurt. The only difference is that GOOP makes assloads of money because it’s marketed to “clean people” who want holistically woke recipes and cosmetics. Sixty-dollar jojoba bean chapstick and you’ll “yurt ’till it hurts” (holy shit someone make that into a bumpersticker – just do it, I don’t even care about credit it’s yours).

Anyway, why were we talking about Madame “Steam Your Vagina” Paltrow? Oh yea, she basically admitted she doesn’t buy into most of this bullshit and she’s just taking advantage of people who go to Whole Foods and buy the more expensive brand of vegetable broth because they assume it’s healthier.

While being roasted like faux bibimbap with crispy quinoa on Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy confronted Gwyneth with some pressing questions that basically confirmed that she’s basically playing everybody like a karaoke night where they only do the Pure Moods soundtrack… Which if you must be reminded went a little something like this:

*the X-Files theme gets me every time*