Gwyneth Paltrow Is Now A Simple Commoner With A Commoner’s Divorce

After a year of enlightening the world that they’re translucent beings who’ve ascended above the simple, less-evolved paradigm of divorce and instead consciously uncoupled from each other on a spiritual plane of existence that transcends time and space, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have finally signed divorce papers so they can fuck other people without everybody looking at them funny. TMZ reports:

Sources connected with the couple tell us … Gwyneth and Chris have been using their business managers to hash out a settlement agreement involving both property and custody.
We’re told the agreement has been signed and the divorce is a done deal … all that’s left is for the paperwork to be filed and signed by the judge.

They say that the moment Gwyneth set down her pen, a strange feeling overtook her as she leaned against the religion shelf for support. “What manner of commonness is this this?” she spoke into her Mesopotamian Thoughts Ramekin (GOOP, $800) for sometimes her words were so precious no human must ever hear them. “Am I nothing more than a simple divorcee now? A mere shrew who nitters away about her ex-husband over Pepperidge Farm baked goods? Non-gluten free baked goods?! NO!” she screamed into the Egyptian skylight as her bowl of drying lentils spilled onto the albino tiger carpet. “I am more than this!” Gwyneth Paltrow wrote furiously with her Elephant Bone Poetry Magnets as assorted jars of humors and essential oils trembled inside her hemp-powered refrigeration square. “MORE THAN THIS!”


Photo: Getty