Gwyneth Paltrow’s Conscious Uncoupling Was A Smokescreen? The F*ck You Say?!

March 31st, 2014 // 27 Comments
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Gwyneth Paltrow
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You might want to sit down for this. So you know how Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were consciously uncoupling making it look like they’re both super cool, meditative people whose marriage is on a deep, spiritual journey high above yours? Turns out they might have done that so you don’t find out what horrible people they really are. I know, I didn’t believe it myself. Seriously, have you tasted Gwyneth’s quiche? Just the crust alone makes none of this sound right, and don’t get me started on the orphan ganache. TMZ reports:

Sources close to the former couple tell TMZ … this is NOT a separation. They are definitely getting divorced. But both are concerned about serious PR damage if the divorce turns ugly, and they don’t want to open the door to media reports about them straying from the marriage as well as other issues.
The concern … even if the case doesn’t go to trial … any allegation put down in legal docs could end up getting leaked … and both Gwyneth and Chris agree … that’s the worst case scenario for both of them.

So basically Gwyneth Paltrow is getting your average, run-of-the-mill divorce, complete with cheating, and not transcending into a tertiary plane of consciousness where pedestrian words no longer cease to entomb her in non-organic paradigms? Great. Now I don’t know what to believe. Next you’re going to tell me her life isn’t harder than your average 9-5 working mother, and at that point the earth might as well spin off its axis. NOTHING IS REAL ANYMORE.

Photos: Getty

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  1. MarketingMike

    Both of these has-been losers are 10+ years past their prime.
    Does anybody really care about a bad attitude celebutard and
    a musician who’s “life’s work” plays in grocery store soundtracks?

  2. JimBB

    I just hope that she at least has the decency to make sure the divorce decree is printed on paper manufactured from the finest Nepalese wool by native Sherpas. SHE OWES US THAT MUCH!

  3. She’s so full of shit, it’s not even funny. Actually it’s fucking hilarious.

  4. JennyJustice

    Ugh. I am sick of seeing her tired low-hanging rack always braless. She is so not sexy. Wants to be badly – but is not.

  5. Since the truth will probably come out anyway, I just want to be upfront that I work for the name-generating firm that came up with “consciously uncoupling” for these two. It was one of many choices we provided for them, which I will now list.
    Bravely disengaging
    Delicately unfastening
    Gloriously mitosising
    Sensitively defenestrating
    Consciensiously mutually cuckolding
    Auto-erotically bukkakeing

  6. brick

    NO! It’s not true. You’re so lying!!!

  7. Inner Retard

    Hope all the stuff this arrogant cunt has been hiding will be leaked. The holier they try to look the shittier their underwear usually is. Where is an abused maid when you need her!

  8. I’m not going to lie: There are certain parts of me that want to consciously uncouple, then consciously recouple, then consciously uncouple, then consciously recouple, then consciously uncouple, then consciously recouple…for 2 to 6 minutes…then make damn sure I consciously uncouple on her stomach to avoid having a child with a stupid fucking name.

  9. imagine waking up next that bitch every morning , I rather drown in my own vomit.

  10. So Gwyneth Paltrow said something pretentious and elitist?

    I’ll alert the media…

  11. im feeling very couldnotgiveaflyingfuckerously couldnotgiveaflyingfuck about this new goopy news.

  12. So let it be written. So let it be done…

  13. rodzilla

    This explanation makes the most sense, to me. I never bought that “we love each other very much, but can’t make it work” BS. If there is dirt, and anyone else knows about it, only a matter of time until it comes out. Gwyneth seems to anger people a lot, and someone will likely use their knowledge against her, when that happens.

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