Gwyneth Paltrow’s Conscious Uncoupling Was A Smokescreen? The F*ck You Say?!

You might want to sit down for this. So you know how Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were consciously uncoupling making it look like they’re both super cool, meditative people whose marriage is on a deep, spiritual journey high above yours? Turns out they might have done that so you don’t find out what horrible people they really are. I know, I didn’t believe it myself. Seriously, have you tasted Gwyneth’s quiche? Just the crust alone makes none of this sound right, and don’t get me started on the orphan ganache. TMZ reports:

Sources close to the former couple tell TMZ … this is NOT a separation. They are definitely getting divorced. But both are concerned about serious PR damage if the divorce turns ugly, and they don’t want to open the door to media reports about them straying from the marriage as well as other issues.
The concern … even if the case doesn’t go to trial … any allegation put down in legal docs could end up getting leaked … and both Gwyneth and Chris agree … that’s the worst case scenario for both of them.

So basically Gwyneth Paltrow is getting your average, run-of-the-mill divorce, complete with cheating, and not transcending into a tertiary plane of consciousness where pedestrian words no longer cease to entomb her in non-organic paradigms? Great. Now I don’t know what to believe. Next you’re going to tell me her life isn’t harder than your average 9-5 working mother, and at that point the earth might as well spin off its axis. NOTHING IS REAL ANYMORE.

Photos: Getty