Gwyneth Paltrow Said Words Again

Harry Potter’s not gonna like that second pose.

Gwyneth Paltrow graces the cover of Harper’s Bazaar where she opens up about how she’s basically Betty Draper from Mad Men, and not sure if you knew this, but she’s best friends with Beyonce. The Beyonce. They’re sisters from another mister, but enough about how white I am, here’s the writer talking about Gwyneth’s diet:

But an outline of her regular diet, along with the rest of her timetable, reveals a model of restraint. She’s up every morning around 7:00 with her two children, Apple and Moses (seven and five, respectively). “I don’t really like eating that early, so I usually just have coffee and then a couple of bites of their leftovers, like granola and yogurt or scrambled eggs.”

And that’s where it stops because apparently Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet starts and ends with eating the scraps of her children’s breakfast so just assume she dresses them up as Dickensian street urchins to set the mood. Anyway, I included some more choice quotes after the jump because I like to think of this site as a reservoir of insipid drivel that makes you want to light a polo tournament on fire with your dick.

On knowing when it’s time to start a 12-week detox regimen:
“I’ll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won’t be good, I’ll feel cranky, and then I’ll just know it’s time.”

On Apple probably being a lesbian (Alternate Heading: Suck it, January Jones):
“I’ve been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I’ll bet you anything I’ll have a daughter, and she’ll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian.”

On how she’s super seriously friends with Beyonce:
Gwyneth was watching by the side of the stage with Jay-Z and testifies to the fact that her friend’s performance was punctuated by the miserable side effects of early pregnancy: “She was absolutely incredible, especially as she was barfing in between.”

And another huge hint that she’s probably cheating on Chris Martin:
“The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get. Life is long. I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Other laws Gwyneth Paltrow wants to know the makers of:

- Not owning slaves. “It would totes strengthen my bond with Bey. Totes strenthen.”
– Not hunting the poor. “They need the exercise.”
– Gravity. “I spend 12-weeks shitting herbal laxative. I deserve to fly, goddammit!”

Photos: Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar