Gwyneth Paltrow Said Words Again

February 1st, 2012 // 93 Comments
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Harry Potter‘s not gonna like that second pose.

Gwyneth Paltrow graces the cover of Harper’s Bazaar where she opens up about how she’s basically Betty Draper from Mad Men, and not sure if you knew this, but she’s best friends with Beyonce. The Beyonce. They’re sisters from another mister, but enough about how white I am, here’s the writer talking about Gwyneth’s diet:

But an outline of her regular diet, along with the rest of her timetable, reveals a model of restraint. She’s up every morning around 7:00 with her two children, Apple and Moses (seven and five, respectively). “I don’t really like eating that early, so I usually just have coffee and then a couple of bites of their leftovers, like granola and yogurt or scrambled eggs.”

And that’s where it stops because apparently Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet starts and ends with eating the scraps of her children’s breakfast so just assume she dresses them up as Dickensian street urchins to set the mood. Anyway, I included some more choice quotes after the jump because I like to think of this site as a reservoir of insipid drivel that makes you want to light a polo tournament on fire with your dick.

On knowing when it’s time to start a 12-week detox regimen:
“I’ll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won’t be good, I’ll feel cranky, and then I’ll just know it’s time.”

On Apple probably being a lesbian (Alternate Heading: Suck it, January Jones):
“I’ve been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I’ll bet you anything I’ll have a daughter, and she’ll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian.”

On how she’s super seriously friends with Beyonce:
Gwyneth was watching by the side of the stage with Jay-Z and testifies to the fact that her friend’s performance was punctuated by the miserable side effects of early pregnancy: “She was absolutely incredible, especially as she was barfing in between.”

And another huge hint that she’s probably cheating on Chris Martin:
“The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get. Life is long. I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Other laws Gwyneth Paltrow wants to know the makers of:

- Not owning slaves. “It would totes strengthen my bond with Bey. Totes strenthen.”
- Not hunting the poor. “They need the exercise.”
- Gravity. “I spend 12-weeks shitting herbal laxative. I deserve to fly, goddammit!”

Photos: Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar


  1. iOnk


  2. Clarence Beeks

    great pictures. The camera loves this woman, however obnoxious she mat be.

  3. Clarence Beeks


  4. ito

    **123 do da Nicki Minaj blink**

  5. Cock Dr

    The best shot is the one with her hair hiding the face.
    That way you can pretend it’s just another PhotoShopped blonde.

  6. Disco Dave

    I can’t stand her whatsoever but damn I’d love to tear that apart.

    Awesome legs. She always looks amazing.

  7. iOnk

    her face is so boring, everything about her is just so boring

    i see her and want to fall asleep

  8. Dufresne

    I like her

  9. Shmeckle Foot

    Thin Jessica Simpson

  10. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    wish she actually looked like that…#airbrushingrocks

  11. God is Black

    “So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian.” Ppl enlighten me WTF is a Lipstick lesbian? This is the 1st time I’ve heard a parent wanting a child to be gay…….

  12. Nothing like telling the world about your seven year old lipstick lesbian. What could possibly go wrong?

    • Schmidtler

      that’s just the backup plan in case the retarded names she gave the kids don’t screw them up for life. My dream is she somehow squanders every last cent of her money, and her kids have to assimilate into normal society with their dumbfuck names and bizarre outlook on life. Here in New Jersey, our state supreme court just ruled that the anti bullying laws are unconstitutional. Please, please let this douchebag lose all he money and move her & her kids to NJ! Swirlies and purple nurples all around for the Paltrow clan!!!

  13. EricLr

    It’s so nice of her to grace us commoner filth with her wisdom once again. I only pray she will continue to do so, providing none of us are ungrateful enough to try to touch her or speak to her directly, of course.

  14. Robin

    All that plastic surgery, dieting, makeup, hairstylists and Photoshop to still look average. Sad.

  15. Nobody's Second Cousin

    “Who made these laws?” Are you fucking kidding me?

  16. Deacon Jones

    On what she does if she forgets to buy groceries:

    “Depending on what I ate that night, I will either serve the children my morning bowel movement chilled over greek yogurt. Or lightly sautee it in breast milk and cinnamon.

    • You forgot the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.

      • Help

        And the tall glass of flax seed and wheat grass juice.

      • Don’t forget the MISO!

        She is crazy! God heard her planning out her daughter’s gay lipstick life and I promise you, He is not happy w/the G. Blaspheming the Lord, calling her precious daughter a lipstick lesbian. Crazy. Have you seen Shiloh’s new hair cut? Butch Butch Butch. she had on a black tshirt and black cargo shorts. She looked like a pretty boy. If I was Brad That would not of happened. Angie intends for Shiloh to be gay! She wants diversity in her family, children from around the world, her own and making one or more of the kids gay.

      • BE

        Oh Please…

        Just pandering to her (very) gay fan base. A focus group somewhere said that comment would make her more attractive to gays. Everyone wants Madonna’s staying power. I’d say Cher, but I never saw Cher as encouraging it – even after Chaz.

        As for the children…I’d say starting with names like Apple and Moses pretty much guarantees them a lifetime of psychoanalysis. So what’s a little more angst on the dogpile?

  17. If a chick that looked like this served me coffee at Starbuck’s every morning, i’d do everything I could to bang her.

  18. Felonious Monkey

    No wonder this insufferable twat has osteopenia. She just has coffee and her kids’ leftovers for breakfast. Nice role model for her children. We have enough money to live an extravagant lifestyle but not enough to have a decent breakfast. What does she have for lunch? Vegetable rinds & fruit peels. Jeez, Lady.

  19. Jenny

    Always fun to read what a demented ex-pat who hates America has to say. I don’t know if it’s in-breeding or drugs, but she is one really messed up bi#$%.

  20. Jenny

    Oh, one other thing….all you idiots talking about “banging” women (who if they saw you, would either throw up or laugh in your face), you’re pathetic!

  21. AnnaDraconida

    This woman is an idiot. And not the fun type of idiot, either. She’s boring & dull, as an actress and as a person.

  22. feeble mind

    How embarrassing to brag about what you eat. It’s not an achievement, it’s eating. And what she eats is called a continental breakfast, cause a whole continent does it.

  23. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    She lifts that skirt any higher you’re going to see Coldplay’s balls.

  24. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    Smooth. I like that.

  25. Grace

    Shut up, Gwyneth Paltrow. No one likes you, you stuck-up self-absorbed bitch.

  26. Sara

    She is so full of herself it’s just astonishing, considering that her career is basically a joke and she hasn’t contributed anything to society.

  27. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    There is fuck all wrong in this picture.

  28. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    They made her face look like Carrie Fisher

  29. Chucky D

    This chick looks great. If only you could turn her volume down to zero.

  30. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    I like it. No undies at all.

  31. DeepBlue’s Happy-Happy Solution to the GP Drivel Problem:

    Step# 1: Voice box removal
    Step# 2: Frontal lobotomy
    Step# 3: Permanent incarceration in a padded room (no door)
    Step# 4: Force-feeding of pureed steak and potatoes through feeding tube

    • bassackwards

      Great idea, the only thing you forgot were the permanently installed John Holmes dildos… 1 in her ass and the other in her mouth!

  32. Smapdi

    Of course, it doesn’t occur to her that maybe her kids don’t like granola, and don’t like scrambed eggs, hence enough leftovers to stuff in her idiotic mouth.

  33. pookiewookie

    Maybe she is into the Illuminati crap too if she is besties with Beyonce’!

  34. linds

    She’s evolved so far beyond the rest of us that she can “feel” her adrenal cortex

  35. sc4play

    Gwyneth’s description of the onset of the 12 week detox sounds strangely like PMS to me? Anybody else?

    • Capitalist Pancake

      Try bullimic. She seems to swing from horking buckets of fried chicken and wheels of cheese to months where she only subsists on green juice and her overinflated ego.

  36. forrest gump

    agree, she acts pretty sad.

  37. suck it

    She is so much better than us. I’m not sure how mere mortals can compete.

  38. mrsmass

    can someone make this cunt shut up already?

  39. Schmidtler

    How do you make Gwyneth scream twice?
    first, fuck her in the ass
    then wipe your dick off on her handpainted wallpaper.

  40. Can’t stand this ugly old hag. She is so desperate for attention, she sells out her own kid. This woman tries to get her name in the news everyday. She must have a huge inferiority complex.

  41. endo

    you guys are just mad, sad, & had because she is one of the sexiest women alive. you wish even photoshop could make you look half as good as she does on her worst day.

    • Ra

      Just because you think she’s perfect doesn’t mean everyone else has to, I can sincerely say with all my being I’m not one but jealous of her, there’s much more prettier, more talented, wealthier and married to better looking partners, stars that I’d be jealous of way before I’d be jealous of gwenth, I’ve never understood her “beauty” I find women like Angelina Jolie absolutely stunning,,but gwens look is very plain..average looking skinny blonde..seen many girls who look like her hanging out at the methadone clinic.. She had no excuse to look so bland, she has money she should fix it or take pride in her appearance..

      Maybe that’s why she is so desirable to the average man, she is average, therefore the men think they could have a chance with her, but really, you’d have a better chance with Angelina Jolie because if you read any of the spastic self absorbed garbage that comes out of her mouth you’d know the only thing that gets her off is herself.. Bet she is asexual, seriously. All she ever talks about is herself and expensive wallpaper, shes the joke of hollywood with her stolen “goop” site of rituals she never follows.

  42. Ra

    Her nose looks horrible, really wide..they must usually shop it thinner

  43. Mark

    Some mothers terrorize their kids by saying they are lesbians. Others beg them at 14 not to turn gay just because they go to a boarding school and they wants grandkids. She should be reported to child services because this is mental abuse.

  44. the sad thing is that all of this makes chris martin more fuckable

  45. I agree with AnnaDraconida….
    Gwyneth is indeed “boring & dull”…especially lately.
    In the last few years, her ego has grown too much.
    Don’t know what happened to her.

    And also, that magazine shoot was so photo-shopped…
    News flash!:… magazines do that now to just about all photo spreads!

  46. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    Evita from the grave.

  47. Gwyneth Paltrow Terry Richardson
    Commented on this photo:

    - WOW! I’m not even sure where to start. They are all ggoreous . the kids AND the photos. I especially love the close-up B&W. They are all going to be beyond thrilled!!

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