Harry Potter‘s not gonna like that second pose.
Gwyneth Paltrow graces the cover of Harper’s Bazaar where she opens about how she’s basically Betty Draper from Mad Men, and not sure if you knew this, but she’s best friends with Beyonce. The Beyonce. They’re sisters from another mister, but enough about how white I am, here’s the writer talking about Gwyneth’s diet:
But an outline of her regular diet, along with the rest of her timetable, reveals a model of restraint. She’s up every morning around 7:00 with her two children, Apple and Moses (seven and five, respectively). “I don’t really like eating that early, so I usually just have coffee and then a couple of bites of their leftovers, like granola and yogurt or scrambled eggs.”
And that’s where it stops because apparently Gwyneth Paltrow’s diet starts and ends with eating the scraps of her children’s breakfast so just assume she dresses them up as Dickensian street urchins to set the mood. Anyway, I included some more choice quotes after the jump because I like to think of this site as a reservoir of insipid drivel that makes you want to light a polo tournament on fire with your dick.
On knowing when it’s time to start a 12-week detox regimen:
“I’ll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won’t be good, I’ll feel cranky, and then I’ll just know it’s time.”
On Apple probably being a lesbian (Alternate Heading: Suck it, January Jones):
“I’ve been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I’ll bet you anything I’ll have a daughter, and she’ll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian.”
On how she’s super seriously friends with Beyonce:
Gwyneth was watching by the side of the stage with Jay-Z and testifies to the fact that her friend’s performance was punctuated by the miserable side effects of early pregnancy: “She was absolutely incredible, especially as she was barfing in between.”
And another huge hint that she’s probably cheating on Chris Martin:
“The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get. Life is long. I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”
Other laws Gwyneth Paltrow wants to know the makers of:
- Not owning slaves. “It would totes strengthen my bond with Bey. Totes strenthen.”
- Not hunting the poor. “They need the exercise.”
- Gravity. “I spend 12-weeks shitting herbal laxative. I deserve to fly, goddammit!”
Photos: Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar
iOnk | February 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm
first
tutu | February 1, 2012 at 12:30 pm
YEAH FUCK YOU FIRST
DeepBlue54 | February 1, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Whoopty effin’ doo for you.
Clarence Beeks | February 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm
great pictures. The camera loves this woman, however obnoxious she mat be.
The Camera | February 1, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Don’t presume to speak for me. I hate this twatwaffle as much as everybody else does. If I weren’t digital, I would totally let light leak all over her film every time.
Clarence Beeks | February 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm
heehee
iOnk | February 1, 2012 at 12:09 pm
When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”
what retard!
Felonious Monkey | February 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm
You mean Photoshop loves this woman or she loves Photoshop?
Photoshop | February 1, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Don’t look at me, I agree with The Camera.
The Lighting | February 2, 2012 at 10:04 am
Look, I did my best.
Shutter Speed | February 6, 2012 at 12:39 am
I screwed up
Clarence Beeks | February 1, 2012 at 12:03 pm
*may*
ito | February 1, 2012 at 12:05 pm
**123 do da Nicki Minaj blink**
Cock Dr | February 1, 2012 at 12:07 pm
The best shot is the one with her hair hiding the face.
That way you can pretend it’s just another PhotoShopped blonde.
Disco Dave | February 1, 2012 at 12:07 pm
I can’t stand her whatsoever but damn I’d love to tear that apart.
Awesome legs. She always looks amazing.
Clarence Beeks | February 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm
I agree.
Robin | February 1, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Amazingly average.
iOnk | February 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm
her face is so boring, everything about her is just so boring
i see her and want to fall asleep
Weirdo | February 1, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Yeah, I want to sleep with her too!
Dufresne | February 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I like her
Shmeckle Foot | February 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Thin Jessica Simpson
God is Black | February 1, 2012 at 12:29 pm
“So if she’s a lesbian, she’s a lipstick lesbian.” Ppl enlighten me WTF is a Lipstick lesbian? This is the 1st time I’ve heard a parent wanting a child to be gay…….
Felonious Monkey | February 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm
a feminine lesbian who wears makeup and is fashion-conscious—wearing dresses, skirts and stuff.
Robin | February 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Lipstick lesbian see Amanda Heard.
Cock Dr | February 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Lipstick Lesbian – A lesbian that looks the polar opposite of Chaz Bono.
God is Black | February 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Thank You all for the info.Haaah yes Amanda Heard(Sob,sob) forbidden fruit! Please God make her at-least bisexual?
Capitalist Pancake | February 2, 2012 at 10:20 am
I think before Madonna started having kids she did interviews where she said she hoped her future kids would be gay.
Goya | February 2, 2012 at 11:20 am
Amber Heard. Not Amanda.
stinky mcpoop | February 1, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Nothing like telling the world about your seven year old lipstick lesbian. What could possibly go wrong?
Schmidtler | February 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm
that’s just the backup plan in case the retarded names she gave the kids don’t screw them up for life. My dream is she somehow squanders every last cent of her money, and her kids have to assimilate into normal society with their dumbfuck names and bizarre outlook on life. Here in New Jersey, our state supreme court just ruled that the anti bullying laws are unconstitutional. Please, please let this douchebag lose all he money and move her & her kids to NJ! Swirlies and purple nurples all around for the Paltrow clan!!!
EricLr | February 1, 2012 at 12:33 pm
It’s so nice of her to grace us commoner filth with her wisdom once again. I only pray she will continue to do so, providing none of us are ungrateful enough to try to touch her or speak to her directly, of course.
Robin | February 1, 2012 at 12:44 pm
All that plastic surgery, dieting, makeup, hairstylists and Photoshop to still look average. Sad.
Nobody's Second Cousin | February 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm
“Who made these laws?” Are you fucking kidding me?
Deacon Jones | February 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm
On what she does if she forgets to buy groceries:
“Depending on what I ate that night, I will either serve the children my morning bowel movement chilled over greek yogurt. Or lightly sautee it in breast milk and cinnamon.
Fletch | February 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm
You forgot the alfalfa sprouts and a plate of mashed yeast.
Help | February 1, 2012 at 4:56 pm
And the tall glass of flax seed and wheat grass juice.
Teresa Sigler | February 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Don’t forget the MISO!
She is crazy! God heard her planning out her daughter’s gay lipstick life and I promise you, He is not happy w/the G. Blaspheming the Lord, calling her precious daughter a lipstick lesbian. Crazy. Have you seen Shiloh’s new hair cut? Butch Butch Butch. she had on a black tshirt and black cargo shorts. She looked like a pretty boy. If I was Brad That would not of happened. Angie intends for Shiloh to be gay! She wants diversity in her family, children from around the world, her own and making one or more of the kids gay.
BE | February 3, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Oh Please…
Just pandering to her (very) gay fan base. A focus group somewhere said that comment would make her more attractive to gays. Everyone wants Madonna’s staying power. I’d say Cher, but I never saw Cher as encouraging it – even after Chaz.
As for the children…I’d say starting with names like Apple and Moses pretty much guarantees them a lifetime of psychoanalysis. So what’s a little more angst on the dogpile?
Eric | February 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm
If a chick that looked like this served me coffee at Starbuck’s every morning, i’d do everything I could to bang her.
Cher X | February 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm
GP doesn’t even look that good. Those legs are photoshopped to the extreme.
Felonious Monkey | February 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm
No wonder this insufferable twat has osteopenia. She just has coffee and her kids’ leftovers for breakfast. Nice role model for her children. We have enough money to live an extravagant lifestyle but not enough to have a decent breakfast. What does she have for lunch? Vegetable rinds & fruit peels. Jeez, Lady.
Jenny | February 1, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Always fun to read what a demented ex-pat who hates America has to say. I don’t know if it’s in-breeding or drugs, but she is one really messed up bi#$%.
Sliver | February 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm
leaning towards inbreeding.
Jenny | February 1, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Oh, one other thing….all you idiots talking about “banging” women (who if they saw you, would either throw up or laugh in your face), you’re pathetic!
tom | February 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Jenny, you should get banged from time to time, it’ll do you good.
jerry | February 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Jenny has got me turned the fuck on and we should totally bang her from both ends. Let’s do this Tom.
Frank Burns | February 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm
“one other thing . . ” – really, just one? Aw, darn, we were all hoping for more.
p.s. – u r fat
Eric | February 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm
You’re right. I should have said, “buy her flowers, draw her a bubble bath, feed her cats, cook her a gourmet meal, uncork a bottle of wine and curl up and watch Terms of Endearment with her while rubbing her feet.”
Then bang her.
My bad.
pornstar | February 2, 2012 at 11:27 am
Eric, stop fucking your mother, you are going to spoil her.
Sliver | February 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Tom and Jerry want to bang you, LOL.
TomFrank | February 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm
You’re right. “Banging” is wrong. It’s “plowing.” Or as stratacat informed us last week: “a man better PLOW and PLOW HARD.”
SmelliMelli | February 1, 2012 at 10:12 pm
Lemme SMANG it girrrllll….!
Carla | February 2, 2012 at 12:47 am
Chill, Gynny, chill your brittle ass a notch, damn.
Schmidtler | February 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I agree – ‘banging’ seems like such a crude and disrespectful term. I prefer ‘going balls deep in her fart maker’. Keep it classy, folks!
AnnaDraconida | February 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm
This woman is an idiot. And not the fun type of idiot, either. She’s boring & dull, as an actress and as a person.
feeble mind | February 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm
How embarrassing to brag about what you eat. It’s not an achievement, it’s eating. And what she eats is called a continental breakfast, cause a whole continent does it.
justifiable | February 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Bullshit. Last time I was in Antarctica they had toast.
anon | February 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Lol, that last sentence made me laugh. Funny how she tries to sound so snooty to Americans…
Grace | February 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Shut up, Gwyneth Paltrow. No one likes you, you stuck-up self-absorbed bitch.
Sara | February 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm
She is so full of herself it’s just astonishing, considering that her career is basically a joke and she hasn’t contributed anything to society.
Teresa Sigler | February 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Sounds like Gweneth is not alone. Kate Gosselin also fits your assessment too!
Schmidtler | February 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm
no way – she played Iron Man’s SECRETARY!!!!
Chucky D | February 1, 2012 at 3:36 pm
This chick looks great. If only you could turn her volume down to zero.
DeepBlue54 | February 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm
DeepBlue’s Happy-Happy Solution to the GP Drivel Problem:
Step# 1: Voice box removal
Step# 2: Frontal lobotomy
Step# 3: Permanent incarceration in a padded room (no door)
Step# 4: Force-feeding of pureed steak and potatoes through feeding tube
bassackwards | February 1, 2012 at 9:27 pm
Great idea, the only thing you forgot were the permanently installed John Holmes dildos… 1 in her ass and the other in her mouth!
Smapdi | February 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm
Of course, it doesn’t occur to her that maybe her kids don’t like granola, and don’t like scrambed eggs, hence enough leftovers to stuff in her idiotic mouth.
pookiewookie | February 1, 2012 at 7:22 pm
Maybe she is into the Illuminati crap too if she is besties with Beyonce’!
linds | February 1, 2012 at 8:33 pm
She’s evolved so far beyond the rest of us that she can “feel” her adrenal cortex
carol rules | February 1, 2012 at 9:15 pm
hilarious!
sc4play | February 1, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Gwyneth’s description of the onset of the 12 week detox sounds strangely like PMS to me? Anybody else?
Capitalist Pancake | February 2, 2012 at 10:25 am
Try bullimic. She seems to swing from horking buckets of fried chicken and wheels of cheese to months where she only subsists on green juice and her overinflated ego.
forrest gump | February 1, 2012 at 11:37 pm
agree, she acts pretty sad.
suck it | February 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm
She is so much better than us. I’m not sure how mere mortals can compete.
mrsmass | February 2, 2012 at 11:12 am
can someone make this cunt shut up already?
Schmidtler | February 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm
How do you make Gwyneth scream twice?
first, fuck her in the ass
then wipe your dick off on her handpainted wallpaper.
John D | February 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm
Can’t stand this ugly old hag. She is so desperate for attention, she sells out her own kid. This woman tries to get her name in the news everyday. She must have a huge inferiority complex.
witandfit | February 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm
She’s her own stunt cunt.
endo | February 2, 2012 at 11:40 pm
you guys are just mad, sad, & had because she is one of the sexiest women alive. you wish even photoshop could make you look half as good as she does on her worst day.
Ra | February 3, 2012 at 1:00 am
Just because you think she’s perfect doesn’t mean everyone else has to, I can sincerely say with all my being I’m not one but jealous of her, there’s much more prettier, more talented, wealthier and married to better looking partners, stars that I’d be jealous of way before I’d be jealous of gwenth, I’ve never understood her “beauty” I find women like Angelina Jolie absolutely stunning,,but gwens look is very plain..average looking skinny blonde..seen many girls who look like her hanging out at the methadone clinic.. She had no excuse to look so bland, she has money she should fix it or take pride in her appearance..
Maybe that’s why she is so desirable to the average man, she is average, therefore the men think they could have a chance with her, but really, you’d have a better chance with Angelina Jolie because if you read any of the spastic self absorbed garbage that comes out of her mouth you’d know the only thing that gets her off is herself.. Bet she is asexual, seriously. All she ever talks about is herself and expensive wallpaper, shes the joke of hollywood with her stolen “goop” site of rituals she never follows.
Ra | February 3, 2012 at 12:54 am
Her nose looks horrible, really wide..they must usually shop it thinner
Mark | February 3, 2012 at 1:39 am
Some mothers terrorize their kids by saying they are lesbians. Others beg them at 14 not to turn gay just because they go to a boarding school and they wants grandkids. She should be reported to child services because this is mental abuse.
somethingoriginal | February 3, 2012 at 9:05 am
the sad thing is that all of this makes chris martin more fuckable
somethingoriginal | February 3, 2012 at 9:06 am
wait, martin is his last name, rgiht?
somethingoriginal | February 3, 2012 at 9:06 am
so i’m drunk. don’t fuckingjudge me.
Begadz | February 3, 2012 at 1:21 pm
I agree with AnnaDraconida….
Gwyneth is indeed “boring & dull”…especially lately.
.
In the last few years, her ego has grown too much.
Don’t know what happened to her.
And also, that magazine shoot was so photo-shopped…
News flash!:… magazines do that now to just about all photo spreads!