Gwyneth Paltrow Has No Idea How Skin Cancer Works

July 8th, 2013 // 55 Comments
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It’s a fact Gwyneth Paltrow knows how to live life better than all of us, so whenever she fires pearls of wisdom across our face, it’s important to not only smile and never wipe your face on the Andalusian pillow smocks, Farrah*, but commit them to memory lest you make such stupid, poor mistakes as not getting melanoma. Via Us Weekly:

Surprisingly, Paltrow tells the magazine [she] disagrees with doctors who warn patients to avoid tanning. “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air,” the actress tells British Cosmopolitan. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.”

And Gwyneth has a point. Just the other day I drowned myself in pure, natural water and fell into a deep sleep until a stranger woke me up through the natural magic of making out with my face. (Ladies?) Emmett, I believe his name was, but spelled with at least half the letters. Anyway, the point is nature is our friend. But not as much as French pharmaceuticals:

“I stock up on products from French pharmacies,” Paltrow reveals. “They have amazing burn creams and makeup removers. I love how French actresses age but don’t really do anything about it – it’s beautiful.”

Wait a minute. Why does Gwyneth Paltrow need burn cream? Who’s burning her? Is it those villagers again? Because, goddammit, how else is she supposed to have flawless skin without stabbing your firstborns with a gilded blade forged from a unicorn’s horn? Death is completely natural, so she’s practically giving those kids a massage. It’s like vitamins.

Photos: Getty

*I realize this joke is only funny if you’ve seen Backdoor Teen Mom: Farrah Superstar, so long story short, after the money shot, she immediately wipes her face on a pillow because Midwest values? Who the fuck knows?


  1. JC

    She should consider rubbing some natural, shade-grown poison oak all over her lady bits while enjoying organic, Belarusian tea garnished with fresh hemlock. All natural.

  2. Doug

    She’s right!

    Volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, wildfire … how can anything natural be bad for you?

  3. Maybe Gwyneth can get her new countertops done in nice, natural uranium. I hear it’s all the rage.

  4. Eating food is natural too.

  5. MD2020

    Well, nothng natural can harm you, time for a nightshade and hemlock smoothie for breakfast!

  6. EricLR

    “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you”

    I bet she eats only the finest, all-natural and pure, hand-harvested arsenic. Because nothing natural could be bad for you.

    Now, send the peasants to fetch her ladyship some purified mercury for her all-natural mercury skin treatment!

  7. alex

    I’d be more concerned if she DID know how skin cancer “works.” I don’t know how it works either, but it doesn’t seem crazy to spend 15 minutes outside per day. Where else you gonna get that vitamin D?

    • Trek Girl

      Fortified dairy, cereal, and soy products; fish; cod liver oil; mushrooms; and eggs.

      • Bob B 59

        Food sources do not produce enough vitamin D on their own. You do need about 10 minutes a day in the sun to keep the levels up. Vitamin D deficiencies have been linked to colon cancer, diabetes and possibly asthma. The sun is not harmless, but it is not the evil thing we have been drilled about. Also, basal cell carcinoma is fairly easily treated . Melanoma is the deadly kind. Basal is the type linked to too much sun.

      • Sliver

        Soy is bad for your thyroid, is usually genetically modified, and is also an anti-nutrient. Humans were not meant to get their vitamin d from food sources as much as sun. One signal from nature that food isn’t an ideal source is that there is no vitamin d in breast milk.
        Try again.

  8. Max

    Arsenic is natural.

  9. cc

    ‘I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you’

    Time for your daily bukkake Gwyneth.

  10. Deacon Jones

    Syphilis is totally natural.

    I heard French actresses take a nightly cumshot to the eyes from someone who has it. Its supposed to make your eyes clearer, Gwyneth.

  11. i hear the ebola virus is REALLY good for your skin.

  12. silver sulfadiazene is a great cream for burns, although I acknowledge several studies have questioned its effectiveness.

  13. She is a MORON! I had a melanoma removed 6 months ago, and while some tumors are hereditary, others are a product of how poorly you take care of your body, and so on; melanoma is entirely a product of the sun. I’m not allowed to tan, I cannot stay under the sun without the highest protection sunscreen on, I have to use a hat… It takes a while to get use to, but it is the only way. I’m extremely white, blond and have green eyes; the sun is NOT my friend.

    • I’d say 15 minutes of sun exposure is probably good for you. if you can’t handle it without developing tumors, you probably have a wholly synthetic existence and weren’t meant to survive past elementary school.

      • Oh, ok. I’ll listen to you instead of my oncologist. Sounds like a great idea.

      • i thought we agreed you should do what you need you to do….

        since 99.99% of us aren’t direct descendants of now extinct cave dwelling salamanders, do not share an Alexggb-centric worldview, and do not follow Fish’s increasingly prevalent use of Glenn Beck styled overblown reactionary entertainment journalism (is it bad humor? I can’t tell) I wouldn’t say that Gwynnie’s advice is MORONic.

      • Virgodoll

        UV rays in sunlight are carcinogenic, which lead to skin cancers; UV rays are filtered by ozone in the atmosphere but with the depletion of the ozone layer , the problem is getting exacerbated.

        Please do not give advice on subjects you have no idea about

      • so no one should experience unfiltered sunlight, not even in a 15 minute dose, got it.

        Please do not give advice on subjects you can’t even comprehend.

      • No Vitamin D is bad

        As someone who followed the advise and stayed out of the sun, I recently found out I had virtually no vitamin D in my system. I had numerous health issues such as fatigue, muscle aches, a broken bone, tooth problems, digestive disorders, and memory loss. Although vitamin D is classified as a vitamin, it acts as a hormone. There is plenty of research data confirming this. I had to go one prescription therapy for months – however – the best and most reliable way to get vitamin D is 20 minutes of sunshine. Obviously if you’re prone to skin cancer then listen to your doctor but most people have more to fear from the lack of vitamin D than 20 minutes of sunlight.

    • Frank Burns


  14. Urbanspaceman

    10 million Americans just threw away their sunscreen.

  15. Nature knows what is good for you.

    Keep that in mind as your last good egg drops from your uterus…that’s nature telling you it’s time to die because she has no further use for you.

  16. Frank Burns

    If you people were filled with a beautiful inner light like me and Gwyneth, you’d know that no outer light can compete!

  17. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Mistress Eva
    Commented on this photo:

    Rattlesnake venom is natural, too. The idea that “anything natural can’t be bad for you” is sooooooo, SOOOOOO dumb.

  18. Mike Tython's Butt

    As much as I hate her, she’s about 80% right. Lack of vitamin D has been shown to increase risk of cancer. But to say anything natural is healthy is stupid.

    • She’d only be right if Vitamin D weren’t obtainable through food, like eggs, or through supplements – and that’s if you choose to live in the bunker In the back yard and only come out at night. If you go out during the day you can’t help but get some exposure to UV rays, but there’s a big difference between choosing to tan or running around at noon wearing no sunscreen because that’s the “natural” way – and being aware of what the risk of unprotected exposure is.

      Gwyneth should take a good, hard look at Tan Mom – an entire French pharmacy full of anti-burn creme isn’t going to be able to remedy that.

      • I’m not surprised you are afraid of sunlight, justie, but you should check out the benefits of sunlight exposure outside of the vitamin D thing.

        nobody is advocating turning themselves into tanned leather.

      • Read again, McBeef – she is advocating tanning, because she thinks those “amazing” French preparations will reverse or prevent any damage (not that she believes it’s possible anyway) – and sorry, but they won’t. You will look like a leather sofa eventually, it’s unavoidable. I commented on Vitamin D because the OP did, but I since I don’t have porphyria I didn’t say anything about not going out in the daytime or eschewing other benefits from sunlight.

        However, when you’re dependent on “amazing French burn creams” to deal with the results of all that “natural” sun exposure, then you’re being a fucking idiot. Basal and squamous cell carcinomas are linked to prolonged exposure to the sun over years, which is bad enough. But Paltrow is fair, and if you get brief and intense exposure – and 15 minutes in the wrong conditions is more than enough to raise a burn, or even a blister(which, derr, is why you’d need a “burn cream” in the first place) – that means an increased chance of developing melanoma. Hell, just break out the tinfoil and finish the job.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        I missed the part about tanning. Perhaps I needed to read the original US weekly article… All I see what Fish quotes about 15 minutes of natural sunlight. I find it hard to believe that Gwyennie would advocate tanning.

        Tanning beds are terrible. As is turning to leather the natural way too.

      • The fact that she’s rattling on about French burn creams and other preparations, which the average person out there isn’t going to avail themselves of easily, while advocating getting plenty of “natural” sun and then waxing rhapsodic about how French women age so “effortlessly” tells you all you need to know about her rarified thought process – or lack of one.

        Here’s an idea – don’t overdue exposure to the sun, and you won’t need the fucking burn creams in the first place. Then you can age even more gracefully than the French, since you won’t have to deal with the shit-ton of electron-sucking free radicals that UVA/UVB radiation produces, which are a major contributor to premature skin aging.

      • Frank Burns

        How about an au naturel tan mom – Paula Deen cod liver oil wrestling match? The oil would be good for tan mom’s skin, and wrestling with a dark-skinned person would be both a metaphor and a stress relief for Deen. Afters, Deen could use the oil to saute up some clam cakes. Now that’s good eatin’, y’all (insert banjo tune here)!

  19. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve always wanted a shapeless shirt that makes my armpits look fluffy. Soooo jealous right now.

    • Remember how Gwyneth boasted that before she was forced to shave her crotch, she loved the “natural” ’70′s look of long, flowing public hair?

      Let’s just say she bleaches and starches elsewhere.

  20. She should really stop talking. What is that saying, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

    She needs a husband or manager that will just tell her to stand there and look pretty.

  21. Bob

    I’m pretty sure “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you” is her way of saying “I love the weed”.

  22. anonym

    She’s right.
    15 minutes a day is healthy.

    I understand you calcium-deficient palefuck vampires might disagree.

  23. dude

    Someone should chisel on her tombstone when she dies,
    “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you” – Gwyneth Paltrow. Followed by. “died from natural causes:”

  24. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you…”

    She should have stopped that quote after the first three words.

  25. I don’t get why so many Americans hate her she hates her country and worships Europe just like the rest of them.

  26. Jenn

    The sunlight does help you absorb vitamin D as painful as that is for all the pale, basement dwelling internet addicts to hear. Not tanning, because yeah, Goop is fuckin nuts so, take comfort in that. Just go outside during the day. I know, it’s scary to me too.

  27. tyree

    We evolved in the sun. Too much is not good but not enough is worse.

  28. Apollo

    I agree, she is now proven conclusively wrong.
    Many of the commenters here should never be in the sun for even 15 minutes.
    Hell they should never be allowed out of their mom’s basement – ever!

  29. Evildave

    Glenn Reynolds sent me here. Go ahead and hide from the sun, you coven of vampires.

  30. Barry

    She may have phrased it poorly, but she is only advocating at least 15 minutes of sun exposure per day. There are health issues if you avoid the sun completely 100% of the time. There is evidence that too little sun can contribute to other cancers that are harder to detect and treat than skin cancer.

  31. If exposure to sunlight is so dangerous, how come everyone in equatorial regions aren’t dead?

  32. Tom Maguire

    “Three-quarters of U.S. teens and adults are deficient in vitamin D, the so-called “sunshine vitamin” whose deficits are increasingly blamed for everything from cancer and heart disease to diabetes, according to new research.”

    Another study with a lower threshold for insufficiency estimated that 41.6% of the US population, including 82.1% of blacks, are D-deficient.

    Despite all that fortified milk in the supermarkets…

    I deplore all these racist sunshine-deniers.

  33. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Im going to stock up on some morphine, which is made from poppies, now that I know anything natural is not bad for you.

  34. Brad Hallston

    So if French actresses don’t do anything about it, who’s using all the fucking French face cream? Just her I guess… .Sad, that French actresses age when they live in such close proximity to the best face creams available. Fuck why is gwyneth paltrow so dumb

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