It’s a fact Gwyneth Paltrow knows how to live life better than all of us, so whenever she fires pearls of wisdom across our face, it’s important to not only smile and never wipe your face on the Andalusian pillow smocks, Farrah*, but commit them to memory lest you make such stupid, poor mistakes as not getting melanoma. Via Us Weekly:
Surprisingly, Paltrow tells the magazine [she] disagrees with doctors who warn patients to avoid tanning. “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air,” the actress tells British Cosmopolitan. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.”
And Gwyneth has a point. Just the other day I drowned myself in pure, natural water and fell into a deep sleep until a stranger woke me up through the natural magic of making out with my face. (Ladies?) Emmett, I believe his name was, but spelled with at least half the letters. Anyway, the point is nature is our friend. But not as much as French pharmaceuticals:
“I stock up on products from French pharmacies,” Paltrow reveals. “They have amazing burn creams and makeup removers. I love how French actresses age but don’t really do anything about it – it’s beautiful.”
Wait a minute. Why does Gwyneth Paltrow need burn cream? Who’s burning her? Is it those villagers again? Because, goddammit, how else is she supposed to have flawless skin without stabbing your firstborns with a gilded blade forged from a unicorn’s horn? Death is completely natural, so she’s practically giving those kids a massage. It’s like vitamins.
*I realize this joke is only funny if you’ve seen Backdoor Teen Mom: Farrah Superstar, so long story short, after the money shot, she immediately wipes her face on a pillow because Midwest values? Who the fuck knows?