Gwyneth Paltrow Officially Declares Marriage Is For Poor People

Despite tattooing Chris Martin’s initials on her pubical veranda near the Rue de Vagine, Gwyneth Paltrow just announced on her GOOP website (which is some next level clickbait shit that definitely made my penis move) that they’re separating after 10 years of marriage. Here’s the full statement that remarkably wasn’t hand-delivered to your local magistrate on the finest of parchments. We live in a barbaric age.

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris

I don’t like to toot my own horn, but I feel pretty confident in saying this is hands-down the sickest burn I will ever unleash on Gwyneth Paltrow. You ready for this? — I didn’t italicize her letter.


Photos: Getty / FameFlynet