Gwyneth Paltrow Officially Declares Marriage Is For Poor People

March 25th, 2014 // 50 Comments
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Gwyneth Paltrow
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Despite tattooing Chris Martin‘s initials on her pubical veranda near the Rue de Vagine, Gwyneth Paltrow just announced on her GOOP website (which is some next level clickbait shit that definitely made my penis move) that they’re separating after 10 years of marriage. Here’s the full statement that remarkably wasn’t hand-delivered to your local magistrate on the finest of parchments. We live in a barbaric age.

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris

I don’t like to toot my own horn, but I feel pretty confident in saying this is hands-down the sickest burn I will ever unleash on Gwyneth Paltrow. You ready for this? — I didn’t italicize her letter.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH.

Photos: Getty / FameFlynet

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    Chris Martin will now steal someone else’s partner and GOOP will keep GOOPing around with all those rich globetrotting man friends of hers. The children probably won’t even notice the difference.

  2. “Pubical veranda”. That is exactly why I come to this site.

  3. This is usually what happens when your wife is outed as a cheater. I’m sure Chris has his fair share of groupies (it comes with his job), but he wasn’t outed.

    Don’t worry about GOOPy She’s find another rich man’s penis to fall on.

  4. LMAO Rue de Vagine. Tonite Im going to have my husband visit my Rue de Vagine. thanks fish lmao

  5. Im only shocked that Chris put up with her crazy ass for this long. He must be so happy to be free. No more organic toilet paper …etc

  6. I’m not sure who is keeping score on this Gwyneth and Martin thing, but mark me down for zero fucks.

  7. Yay! Go get yourself some skinny-emo-man-loving groupie ass, Chris! No need to hide now that Goopy has been outed penis-sampling.

  8. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    One of the members of Kraftwerk must’ve split from his partner recently.

  9. s-man

    Coldplay could use an injection of venom. I look forward to ‘Goop You’, and so on.

  10. cc

    Who gets the wallpaper?

  11. Jake

    She’s right about marriage being for poor people. If I was rich and attractive and had my pick of other attractive people to fuck, I’d have a very tough time staying married, too.

    Was is Chris Rock who said people are as faithful as their options allow. Poor people unfortunately get poorer after divorce, and tend not to attract too many beautiful people. Low options, so they stay married.

  12. MarketingMike

    Goop is a stereotypical rich trophy wife, hitting her late-forties.
    Nothing special to see here, she’s probably been slamming
    some 22 year old organic grocery store checker for years,
    on only the purest of hand sewn silk sheets, carefully crafted
    by witches from the black forest.

    Chris needs to hire the best Divorce Attorney he can afford
    and dump this crusty, “formerly” attractive piece of human
    excrement.

  13. Vapidity should not be able to achieve profundity, but here we are.

  14. Heaven forbid Gwennie get a garden-variety “divorce” like the rest of us. Conscious uncoupling? Eeeeewwww…..sounds like purebred dogs after….well, you know…. I guess he found someone younger, blonder, skinnier, nicer…etc.

  15. Lilac

    I didn’t know that getting a divorce is a sign of so much love and brings people closer than ever.

    • MarketingMike

      To you commoners reading about the purest of MILFS…
      What she referring to is, the love she’s been spreading around
      England, and the random young peens she’s been servicing.
      It sounds like Chris is no longer one of her blessed, empowered
      membership, those allowed to service the Goddess of Goop.

  16. Where's DIldo

    “Cheating and sex addiction are similar, but still very different. Could you stay with someone who cheated?”
    “I think that if the idea of being committed to someone is important to you, you begin to value certain parts of your social life over another. No couple is the same, and as such, every couple takes on different challenges. I would like to think that I would be forgiving and/or forgiven, but I can’t give an honest answer as I haven’t really experienced that.” – Paltrow via Refinery29

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL… *catching breath* LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  17. anonymous

    This news is a boring as Gwen’s personality and Coldplay’s music.

  18. Just this once

    “Kardashian is on the cover of Vogue. We will never have another opportunity like this. Type faster.”

  19. Jimbb

    Obviously she had finally had enough of his annoying habit of treating the help as “people.”

  20. D-chi

    But who will get the hand-painted wallpaper in the divorce? What if her ex decides to not feed her kids organic kale harvested by Tibetan monks, instead buying *gasp* Chinese takeout? These are the important questions of our day. It’s called journalism, Fish. I await the findings of your research with bated breath.

  21. Liam

    They obviously broke up because Gwen keeps growing her 70s style bush back. I bet the carpet don’t match the drapes. Just saying….

  22. Swearin

    I didn’t find out until just now that Chris Martin was going to be a mentor on “The Voice”. So that’s gotta be the reason: he wanted to help poor, unfamous nobodies and Gwyneth wouldn’t stand for that

  23. fuglio

    “conscious uncoupling” sounds like they were awake when they got done fucking…maybe it was the first time that happened, since they are both such totally boring people.

  24. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Mel Gibson's Shrink
    Commented on this photo:

    you stupid, that’s just a cancerous mole.

  25. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    ohyeah
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d bang that. And the one on the right as well.

  26. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    As pretentious and out-of-touch this woman is, I’d still like to take a peek behind that bikini…

  27. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    “Mommy, I got sand in my eye!”
    “If I had a soul. I might care.”

  28. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    “Stop shaking me mommy! You’re hurting me!”
    “I ENVY YOUR YOUTH!”

  29. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Fist
    Commented on this photo:

    Flabby ass and a loose pussy. Good for fisting only

  30. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Valusia
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s just a “C” for Cunt

  31. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    She is painfully skinny and pasty but her belly sticks out. Her body has the clear signs of long-term malnourishment. And I’m supposed to be taking lifestyle advice from this person?

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