Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Will Bed Their New Lovers Together

“Our divorce ain’tn’t muchn’t like ‘em other divorces cause we alls fuck and stuff like that.”

Because Gwyneth Paltrow is goddamn hell-bent on proving her divorce from Chris Martin is a metaphysical journey of the heart flying high above the dissolved marriages of peasants, she’s apparently arranging a couple’s vacation where her and Chris Martin will lock eyes as they fuck their new lovers, and the first one to blink is an uncoifed pauper’s shit-hat, unenlightened and be-woven of inferior cottons. Radar reports:

Paltrow, who is currently dating Brad Falchuk, has two children, Apple and Moses, with her ex-husband Chris Martin. Chris Martin is currently dating actress Jennifer Lawrence, and now the whole gang is going to spend a totally non-awkward week together in paradise! “Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and she wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children,” an insider told exclusively. “The plan is to spend a week together in Hawaii, as soon as all their schedules permit, but definitely before the end of summer.”

GOOP’s Log: 8 June 2015

The plan is set.

Christopher shall attend with Jennifer, and I with Brad. Our tensile limbs will soon be strewn together, pleasuring our respective lovers into a spiritual enclave I often question whether they’re worthy to enter. I fear this doubt will be communicated to Christopher as I instruct Brad to take me from behind to show Christopher how much our conscious uncoupling has awoken a new sexual fire in my loins. I may even allow Brad’s semen to stain the fine linens we’ll make love upon, and not position myself post-coitus upon a 17th century artesian slough pitcher for the proper draining of our secretions. However, this thought alone fills me with great anxiety, and I shall make great pains to pack one at once. Nevertheless, I must not let Christopher sense my apprehension of watching Academy Award winner Jennifer Lawrence be aristocratically fucked into a higher consciousness that I fear she will not comprehend let alone appreciate. He will not win this metaphysical battle and must be made to know that I, Gwyneth Paltrow, will overcome all adversity and be gilded upon the memories of others who could not sustain such a rich, meaningful separation from their own spouses nor muster the strength of character to watch them get blown by Katniss Everdeen, and then hungrily attempt to perform oral sex on your lover in a superior fashion… for the first time in your life. I would not calculate the percentage of that occurring to be high unless Brad is familiar with clay kiln penis washing, and I have seen his house. He owns a Keurig. A Keurig! I do not think I could ever allow his phallus into my the same communal chamber of effervescent light that sustains me with a singular macrobiotic oat grain – toasted ever so lightly above a Croatian fire menagerie – having such betrayal hanging above us. We will see a yogi at once. Christopher must see me eat the cock. He must see me eat it all.

I think Apple’s a lesbian.

End communique.

Photos: Getty