Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Are Probably Back Together Already

June 19th, 2014 // 20 Comments
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While your pedestrian separation was a pauper’s poorbox that ended with your husband realizing he’d rather live in a one bedroom efficiency that smells of various beefs and jerkies than spend another minute with you, Gwyneth Paltrow‘s conscious uncoupling has poured rose-hued, spiritually rejuvenating tea into the Croatian hand cups of her marriage, according to the Daily Mail. For you see, when you ritualistically prepare your mind and body to transcend such mortal enclaves as love and commitment, you are at once prepared to let your husband have sex with as many other women as he wants before he grows weary of worrying about genital infirmities and unwanted bastards, common traps of the underclass. This is why you fail where Gwyneth has prospered. Now, bow to your queen and bring her tidings of meerkat milk for graciously enlightening you has given her thirst, and her palette shall suffer nothing less.

Photos: Getty


  1. Croatian hand cups? Is that when Rita Rusic holds her tits?

  2. Croatian hand cups? I’m shocked! I thought she would suffer no less than Virgin Mongol Woman Hand Cups. How decidedly low class of her.

  3. The poor bastard, he almost made it out alive.

  4. There they go consciously coupling, those silly kids.

  5. JimBB

    Well, of course. Who can resist a vagina that’s been bathed in the finest rose petal oils that northern Europe can produce?

  6. Cock Dr

    This makes sense. Chris probably saw her happiness with one of her 1% boyfriends and he likes to steal things from people.

  7. “…meerkat milk…”???
    i don’t believe meerkats give or make milk. They do, however, make a mean-ass meatloaf (as long as the meat is ground up in a Kosher meat grinder. Like Sarah Silverman.)

    • Kimmykimkim

      Sure, they do. They’re mammals. I would think though that meerkats are for paupers. But what do I know? I’m just a lowly commoner.

  8. Kimmykimkim

    I hope this ends in a murder/suicide. She is such a tedious, mediocre bag of bones and Coldplay makes me want to stab my eardrums with pencils.

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Smug bitch being smug.

  10. Gwyneth Paltrow
    Commented on this photo:

    Ten bucks she’s knocked up.

  11. Jade

    Unconscious stupidity?

  12. She must have an enormous cock.

  13. ace11

    all about the Benjamins for them

    She is desperate to keep him, because she has much more money to lose

  14. Manowl

    “Palate”!! HA-HAAAAAAA!

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