BREAKING: Gwyneth Paltrow Lets Her Children Play At A Public Park

October 17th, 2011 // 56 Comments

“Oh, these two are going right in the fireplace when we get home. Right in.”

When one imagines the playthings of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s children whose names escape me at the moment – Cornelius and Harriet Tubman? – one imagines decadent, handcrafted bejeweled gymnasiums fashioned out of stained dinosaur bone and African tusks with each hour of play warmly greeted with organic squash milk served in $12,000 blood diamond juice tumblers. What one doesn’t imagine is a public park infested with pedestrian machinery and the downtrodden breath of the poor, so it’s safe to say Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to murder her kids. She’s murdering them dead.

Photos: INFdaily


  1. Richard McBeef

    not pictured: elegant doily at the bottom of the tornado slide.

  2. Maybe she has a new line of upperclass body sanitizers.

  3. cc

    …and then promptly bathes them in Dettol.

  4. Venom

    You know she had a crew come in the night before and sanitize that whole place before she let the kids play there. She probably had a hazmat van waiting by so that she could throw the kids in after and spray them down too.

    I wish I could say that I am saying this in jest.

  5. Deacon Jones

    “Don’t touch the slide, sweeties.

    I saw some sweaty, fat child on this earlier, and I don’t want you exposed to processed pork residuals through his sweaty hands”

  6. stratacat

    this is probably the most fun those kids will ever have in their lives.

  7. Chauncey

    I know a lot of you are too young to remember this but about twenty years the same sort of thing happened to Chrissy Hynde of the Pretenders…

    She is a big vegetarian/ activist but way back then she was caught in a London McDonalds with her kids sucking down Quarter Pounders and french fries…

    You be the judge!

  8. DogBoy

    “Children, try not to get desperation on your clothing”.

  9. SonicAlligator

    This is totally a PR stunt to “prove that she’s normal.”

    That said I’m sure she’s got like 20 body guards in plain-clothes around the perimeter who have advised all the other parents and children not to look her in the eyes. DO NOT LOOK AT GWYNETH PALTROW DIRECTLY IN THE EYES!

    “Now I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds”

  10. jwa

    Quality post.

  11. cc

    I just sent her a pic of Snooki going down the same slide. I wish I could see Gwyneth’s face.

  12. that looks like the playground at WSP, we used to smoke crack there in the 80s

  13. Satan's bitch

    “Cornelius and Harriet Tubman?”

    Welcome back, Fish. I LOL’d, so hard. You made my Monday.

  14. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Satan's bitch
    Commented on this photo:

    Look at how wide set that child’s eyes are! Proof that Gwynnie is a lizard alien!!

  15. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Any Guy
    Commented on this photo:

    they look like such happy, well adjusted kids. looks like mommy’s wonk-eye made it to the girl. oh genetics, sometimes you just WIN.

  16. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG, it’s a clon!

  17. MJB

    I’m glad Gwynnie sees fit to have her offspring play in the same places the hoi polloi have their kids play in. I’m sure when Mordechai and Kiwi get home, she marches them into a decontamination chamber to scrub off the stench of contact with common people.

  18. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    The gum on Gwyneth’s ass is why she hates public parks.

  19. DeucePickle

    This is just an excuse to scrub their butts later

  20. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    Awww, little Apple looks like a flounder.

  21. Karl

    wheres her ass?

  22. Frank Burns

    Must be “Act Like a Proletariat Day” on the Goop calendar.

    • Gilbert Lowell

      More like merchant class ,Bourgeoisie from the under educated class. The people that can’t tell real endangered species leather from cow leather .

  23. Rex McCall

    “the unimportant people I told you about , they like seeing how gravity affects them is this way . You know better , that gravity is for the little people . Never let yourself be controlled by things that only the little people have to contend with .
    Now , who wants French Fries flown in from Paris ?”

  24. Stan Gable

    “You needn’t be concerned , they were on their way to the doctors and we stopped off here first . They’ll get penicillin and other antibiotics in a few short moments. I just don’t want the hopelessness of the inferior deposited on them during this deplorable interlude !”

  25. Gilbert Lowell

    “I’m so disappointed in you ! When we get home , all of you endangered species pets are going right back to the wild !”

  26. Jersey Torch

    If she’s gonna call the paps to come and shoot her at the park with the kids, she could at the very least try to look like she’s enjoying it. She’s is an actress right? She won an Oscar for goodness’ sake. Denise Richards does a better parent-at-the-park acting job than this.

  27. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    leave the kids out of the tabs

  28. Carl Spackler

    She lined it with Dove eyelashes first , so the ordinary world could not touch her offspring

  29. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    What's that
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Gwen sat in gum.

  30. Trent Steel

    “pedestrian machinery and the downtrodden breath of the poor”. Love it. Love it long time.

  31. Ruth

    The battle between my love of Fish and Goop has started.

    Love you Fish, but GOOP is Earth friendly {that’s why I love her} – meaning she’d never even consider blood diamonds or animal products. Just sayin’.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      “animal products”? That’s a very wide net, are you sure of your facts there?
      Besides I happen to know she wears a gutted rabbit over her gutted rabbit. Sorry, I meant merkin.

  32. celebsloveme

    It is sad that I know their names are Apple and Moses without having to google it.

  33. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    heh. straw butt

  34. PeopleRdumb

    Wtf is wrong with all you people. She took her kids to a public play ground. So what and why do you all think she thinks she is holier than thou? Celebrities are people just like me, not you retarded hate mongers. We have routines and errands and responsibilities. Maybe she took her kids to see a family member or a friend and the park was close by and they wanted to stop and play. Maybe she just happens to go there often with her kids (like I go to the one near my house often with my kids). The fact that this is a story is a reflection of how sad our culture is. The comments left on here is a story of how sad you people are.

    • Jillia

      Are you talking about the same Gwyneth Paltrow? The same name-dropping, arrogant, entitled, narcissistic, macrobiotic diet eating Gwyneth Paltrow??

  35. forrest gump

    normally this isn’t possible in the united states, folks.

  36. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    crossed arms, holding phone, fake smile, her body language says it all.

  37. Martin

    Time to sale dads shitty music bring out the kids.

  38. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    she has poo-pooo on her pant-pants…

  39. Veronika Larsson

    The names of Lady Gwyneth’s children are Apple and Orange. You just can’t compare the two.

  40. gigi

    shame… how old is she again? her gluts might be atrophying… :(

  41. Gwyneth Paltrow Public Park Apple Moses
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that schmutz on the seat of Paltrow’s pants?

  42. Meh

    I know this is horrible but her daughter has a serious case of wonk eye. Cery unfortunate looking indeed…

  43. Kim

    LOL! I can’t stop laughing. Very good!

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