Gwyneth Paltrow: ‘Peasant Bras Are Giving You Breast Cancer’

Seen here battling cancer by titillating my wiener-dong, as is her wont, Gwyneth Paltrow is a pseudo-science glimmer of light shining down up we, the little people, through a bourgeois bohemian cloud. Which is why it behooves her to bestow upon the world her skimmed readings of medical quackery, so that we might enrich ourselves through whatever cage-free horseshit she’s steaming up her vagina this time. HuffPost reports:

In his 2,700-word post, which was included in Goop’s Oct. 15 newsletter to subscribers, Sadeghi posits that wearing a tight bra could theoretically restrict the lymph nodes around the breast, thereby preventing “toxins from being processed through them and flushed out of the body.”
In addition, he argues, bras may raise the temperature of breast tissue, which could “alter hormone function and raise the risk of breast cancer.” Another possible danger is the underwire, he states, which could magnify the radiation associated with cell phones and wireless Internet. “While the fact that your bra could absorb and intensify radiation seems preposterous, it’s not as far-fetched as it sounds,” he writes.

As HuffPost points out, science shut this shit down a long time ago, but that means absolutely nothing to Gwyneth who’s here to help everyday ladies with the new GOOP Toxin-Free Repurposed Breast Attache ($1,499). No one understands more than America’s number one friend of the commoner that not everyone can afford a small Middle Eastern child to act as your personal mammary papoose. It’s the only thought that keeps her lubricated at night. “Pussy like a natural spring,” she’ll routinely tell the help who know better to look where the master points or it’s the lash for them.

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