Gwyneth: ‘Men’s Insecurity Depends On How Many Blowjobs You Give Them’

“Haha! And then I said, ‘Well, you’re going to be insecure for a while because that’s not where that thing goes!’ He had sex with mostly groupies after that. It was for the best.”

Yesterday, Gwyneth Paltrow did an interview with Howard Stern where she said a goddamn slew of quintessential Gwyneth Paltrow things about Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, and calling Jay Z and Beyonce after the Solange elevator fight. She also talked about blowjobs which is amazing because Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t strike me as the oral sex type. Or vaginal, anal, digital, and that one where a chick wears high heels and steps on mice. *strokes chin* Unless the mice were poor… Anyway, here’s life according to GOOP:

On Jay Z and Beyonce:

“We all became friends. I normally don’t do that, but [we vibed] in that particular case,” Gwyneth said. “They’re the greatest people. They are funny and sweet, and self-aware and really intelligent.”
Howard asked about the famous elevator incident where Solange attacked Jay Z. “I never say, ‘What’s going on?’. If any of my friends have anything like that, I call right away. Absolutely… If someone’s clearly going through something, I always go straight for it.”

On Brad Pitt

“I definitely fell in love with him,” she recalled of Angelina Jolie’s now-husband, 51. “He was so gorgeous and sweet. I mean, he was Brad Pitt!”
Equally in love with the actor was her late director-father, Bruce Paltrow, who saw Pitt as a son. “My father was devastated,” she admitted to Stern of their 1997 split. “I was such a kid, I was 22 when we met. It’s taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. You can’t make that decision when you’re 22 years old… I wasn’t ready, and he was too good for me.” To sum it up, she said: “I didn’t know what I was doing.”

On Ben Affleck, another famous man who is been to her boudoir:

He was not in a good place in his life to have a girlfriend,” the actress said of their time together, before suggesting that both her friends and her parents were supportive of her decision to break up with him. When Stern asked about a comment Paltrow previously made about Affleck—specifically, “He’d be better off dating a Scores stripper”—Paltrow laughed, “Well that was true at the time.”

And the blowjob talk I promised in the headline:

“You don’t have to always fight. Be a girl. Show him that he’s a man, and it’s a good thing energetically to do. … [Their insecurity] depends on how many blow jobs you give them.”

Okay, c’mon, there’s no way Gwyneth Paltrow gives blowjobs. Places a man in a room with a life-like mannequin of her and lubricates the mouth with organic Parisian ocelot secretions before leaving, yes. Performs them herself? AHAHAHAHA! That thing’s not a crepe personally hand-rolled by the royal family. Or even a really expensive gluten-free eclair that you’d cheat and allow yourself one bite of before going on a three year juice cleanse. Let’s remember who we’re talking about.

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