Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still Having Sex With Someone, Too, You Guys

Let me just reiterate this timeline here: Last week, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin went on vacation together to celebrate the one-year anniversary of their conscious uncoupling because only poor people get menial divorces where they don’t stay metaphysically aligned with each others’ chakras and still bone in bourgeois bang-coves forged inside a repurposed elephant corpse. Except right after they got back, Chris Martin started very publicly making it known he was still having sex with Jennifer Lawrence which prompted Gwyneth Paltrow to let everyone know she’s dating Brad Falchuk, so what the fuck happened on that vacation?

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“How is your fresh sand dollar, Christopher? Was it plucked directly from the sea to your liking?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes. It’s got a splendid crunch. – *spits out tooth* – Listen, Gwyneth, love, there’s something we need to talk about.”
“Why, of course, we’re best friends and deep sharers of personal communication. Let me just put on my listening smock and this sea urchin paste I just ground with my $48,000 millstone. — Ah, there we go. Now what is it, the beating ingenue of my heart?”
“I’m still sleeping with Jennifer.”
“Oh… I see.”
“And her publicist wants to let people know. Is that going to be a problem?”
“Of course not, Christopher. Although, I would’ve appreciated you telling me that while holding the Gourd of Sharing. I paid several million for it, and frankly, it makes me question your dedication to our arrangement that transcends the mortal confines of marital dissolvement.”
“Forgive me. I’ll fetch it right now. But you’re going to be okay with this and won’t start some sort of sexual competition?”
“Christopher, please, our uncoupling is far too wealthy for that.”
“Alright, then, good talk. Now does this arrangement still involve sex?”
“I just had my vagina steam.”
“I thought I smelled something. Mugwort again?”
“Artisanal lamb paste.”
“What the fu- I mean, lovely! Lovely. I could waft it all day.”

Photos: FameFlynet