Gwyneth Paltrow Has A Boyfriend? Okay…

July 17th, 2014 // 4 Comments
'Fuck You, I Want Meat'
Chris Martin
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It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow had tons of affairs while surreptitiously monogamous, but that was before she was locked in a battle to see who can be the most courteous separatist and still have sex with other people because it’s important to prove she lives on transcendental plane of conscious that extends far beyond the reach of mortal means. I heard it even has falafel. Which brings us to talk of Gwyneth’s new suitor and his floppish locks of hair, glistening in the moonlit sun. (I have no idea what that even means.) Page Six reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow was seen on a date with a “hot young guy” with dirty blond hair at Narcissa in the Standard East Village Tuesday.
“He had curly, shaggy hair and looked like he was in his 30s,” says our witness. “I think they may have been holding hands.”

Of course, I’m sure this has nothing to do with Chris Martin going on BBC Radio and boasting to the entire world that he eat meats now that he’s no longer confined to his spiritual discard’s nutritional sacrament. Gwyneth Paltrow is of royal lineage and royal lineage doesn’t revenge fuck on foreign soil. Every pauper knows this.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INF, Splash News, WENN


  1. Cock Dr

    Lack of comments suggest that no one gives a rat’s ass whether Goopster’s vagina is being fed organic free range cock or not.

  2. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s two things wrong with this pic. One, she has on a bra and two, it’s Gweneth Paltrow.

  3. PassingTrue

    Lot’s of expensive, pretty packaging. Not much inside. Tiffany could hardly have chosen better.

  4. Yeah, ’cause that’s the dream of any 30 years old men to bed a ball-busting, high-maintenance, over-the-hill mother of two who still have her ex’s name tattooed just above her vagina.

    Yeah, a dream ind-… wait, she’s super-rich, right? Well then, never mind my sarcasm; carry on, young man.

  5. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Commented on this photo:

    Look, I find it very responsible of Ms. Paltrow to arrange for a ride home after a night of drinking with her friend Kate, but a horse-drawn carriage is a bit pretentious.

  6. I hope she has more kids, so that she can name them sassafras and Club Soda.

  7. Gwyneth Paltrow People Most Beautiful Woman
    Commented on this photo:

    Mrs Paltrow, I promise my sausage produces only the finest quality, organic béarnaise, curated by my balls.

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