“Uncle Steven approved these condiments? Oh, no no no no no no… Moses! Fetch mother her decanter of hand-wrung, free range catsup. Spit spot!”
Gwyneth Paltrow spent the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy with her children and godfather Steven Spielberg while Chris Martin was of course nowhere to be found because, let’s be realistic, he’s a hologram. Surprisingly awesome ass or not – God, I hate you, Richie Tenenbaum – no one could stay married to a woman who repeatedly says shit like this, “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can,” without gunning himself and everyone around her down and calling it a mercy killing. “Father, she’s speaking in a British accent again. And about capers! Make me an angel.”
Photos: Fame
Is she an uppity bitch who says dumb shit? Yes. Does she also look damn good for a 38 year old broad who squirted out two kids? Yes.
Gwyneth Paltrow may say dumb things but she looks great for a woman who has had two children and whose career continues despite personal problems.
Whats up with her weird stomach :( looks like those babies from third world countries that dont have food to eat. Otherwise she looks great.
I just GOOPed.
I just GOOPed.
Nice ass, pip pip, tally ho.
She looks great for a 50 year old.
WOW who is that piece of YUM with Gwyneth? She looks great.
Speilberg: I should have totally used her as an extra in Schindler’s List!
hahahahahaha good one! this definitly belongs on saturdays “most important people on the internet”
Those are some pretty sweet cans
This is bordering on what i like to call, “yuck-butt”
Goddamn I love Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce.
JJ told me i should shoot movies like this
I would gladly give up cheese for that ass.
“If these corn cobs aren’t for eating, what are they for?”
Son of a bitch she is an annoying asshole, but she is very hot.
She’s gross…
The obvious inspiration for the name Goop.
I can’t stand this woman but she has an amazing ass, wow.
another penis button? really? can’t celebrities afford to have them removed?
You have “Smack my ass and call me Sally” hot sauce? Funny, that’s what my husband is always saying to me.
You can get sweet baby ray’s bbq sauce in italy? Nice!
this is seen as a miracle in the states, folks!!
Wait, what? When did she get an ass? Has she been Kardashianed?
*grabs checklist*
Unexplained ass acquisition? ✔
Increased famewhoring? ✔
Passing off shaved yeti as family member? …
So now we play the waiting game.
Awesome!
Who’s the dude grilling?
Her “weird” tummy is just from getting tummy tucks pretty much after having a baby. You ought to wait at least 14 months, but some women are in a rush.
Nothing to be ashamed of, but not a work of art either.
I’d totally lick her turd cutter for 15 days in a row. No break for the restroom.
same body she had in great expectations, not bad at all~
I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can,”
One addiction is not better than the other GP. Stop acting like you’re better than everyone else.
I would not goop on that seemingly sweet ass of hers because she says these vile things all the time.
Well I would prefer to Goop all over here face which is what a self righteous bitch like her deserves.
I would go balls-deep in that sweet ass and fill it with MY goop then pull out and slap my flaccidness on her pretty face until it stiifened up then plunge it down her throat
If giving up canned cheese makes ur ass and legs look this beautiful, I’d do it too and I would tell everybody too. Cuz everybody deserves to look their best. I don’t get why all you people seem to hate her so much. I don’t really give a shit about her either way. Sounds like a bunch of jealousy to me.
I was kind of wondering the same thing. She’s attractive in a “girl-next-door” sort of way, at least I’d be after her if she lived next door to me…
But I’ve never really heard her say anything incredibly offensive. Like you, I don’t really give a shit one way or the other. Just curious.
She has some amazing ass for someone so annoying, I’d hit that repeatedly!
“Here comes Gwyneth now, and if I’m not mistaken, she’s modeling the hottest new item of the Fall line, the Penis-Button by Ripa’s of Hollywood. Isn’t that right, Joff?”
“That’s right, Shelly. Notice how this season’s model casts a much more narrow shadow, yet manages to maintain the original’s sense of despair and confusion. My penis literally has no clue what to do right now.”
“Yes, Joff, its high flesh-to-gag ratio puts the Penis-Button right on par with prominent arm hair and chest pimples, in terms of efficiency. Still can’t hold a candle to Black Nipples on a Hot White Chick, though.”
“No, indeed. It looks like Charisma Carpenter’s record is intact for another year, Shelly.”
Except it’s spelled “Geoff” – which is prounced “Jeff” – not “Joff”. That’s because it’s short for “Geoffrey” – which is the Brit version and is pronounced “Jeffrey”.
Except it’s not supposed to be Jeff of Geoff. It’s Joff, as in the Joffrey Ballet.
So suck it.
Right, because “Joffrey Ballet” is such a common name. Really, that’s the story you’re going with?
Um, Joffrey Ballet isn’t a name, genius. It’s a ballet. I was just demonstrating that it’s a real name, as opposed to a misspelling of Geoff. There’s also Joffrey’s Coffe and Tea. Would you like to tell the owner that he’s spelled his name wrong?
Seriously, are we really having this conversation? Get a life. You were wrong, move on.
Joffery Ballet isn’t a name, you putz, it’s a ballet. I was just demonstrating that it’s a real name and not a misspelling of Geoffrey. There’s also a Joffrey’s Coffee and Tea, would you like to tell the owner that he’s spelled his name wrong?
You were wrong. Move on with your life. And seriously, what’s with spell-checking people’s posts on celeb gossip sites? Are you really that lonely?
Joffery Ballet isn’t a name, you putz, it’s a ballet. I was just demonstrating that it’s a real name and not a misspelling of Geoffrey. There’s also a Joffrey’s Coffee and Tea, would you like to tell the owner that he’s spelled his name wrong?
You were wrong. Move on with your life. And seriously, what’s with spell-checking people’s posts on celeb gossip sites? Are you really that lonely?
And yes, I’m aware I double-posted. The first one didn’t show up at first, so I did it again. Count yourself lucky that you got two posts from me for the price of one.
Sure, “Joffrey” is a last name, but it’s not a “real” first name unless you’re so incredibly unfortunate as to have parents who want to tag you with a “family” name or else think it’s fun to have a kid named Pilot Inspektor. Which is one of the many reasons your little dialogue was so unfunny.
So calling someone “Joff” and trying to pass it off as the “short” version of “Joffrey” is beyond lame. The fact that you’d put so much time and effort into proving yourself “right” by pulling that one out of your ass is actually a great way for me to pass a boring afternoon in between meetings. Of course the capper is the pot-meet-kettle argument. Nothing blows up in your face quite so perfectly than admonishing someone about having no life – - while you yourself are busliy demonstrating how desperately lacking you are in that department by posting away trying to redeem yourself.
Hey, EdgarAllenPoop…you may wanna have that looked at. Could be Parkinson’s.
Hahahaha…just fuckin’ with ya.
So you’re saying she probably doesn’t do a2m?
She’s the sort of bird that , at a wedding – if you had your prescribed 4 glasses of champagne and were now onto the harder stuff , you would pursue for a slap and a tickle in one of the smaller rooms away from the reception area . I myself would not chase her very far if there were other birds around who were in the same category
And, she a lush, too.
I hadn’t heard. Is she really? Or is that just hyperbole? Or maybe an opinion?
That dude has very puny arms for someone so husky.
No matter how hard you work gravity always gets you in the end.
No doubt she looks great, not just for 38 but for any age… It’s the self righteous bullshit that celebs spew that makes them tiring. Sure, fine, do the right thing and have standards but for fuck sake, keep your opinions to yourself.
You call this ass awesome? Really? Looks like it deflated. Time for the Kim K special.
She’s got Sweet Baby Ray’s! Hallelujah and amen, the nectar of the gods!
You just know the film nerds are going to care more about Speilburg’s handcam than Paltrow’s wookie wallet.
In every photo like this, there’s always a douchebag in the background saying it all with his eyes.
What’s Reese Witherspoon doing there?
You know, there are millions of far hotter women, with better asses, who do not CONSTANTLY whine, bitch and moan as they give their self-indulgent opinions on everything under the sun. Probably can act better, too.
Now go, seek them out and photograph them for our pleasure. Run, damn you, run. And bring me back some of that canned cheese I hear so much about.
Now we have a good reason to call her ‘flap-jack’ again.
No hideous tats. Gotta give her credit for that. I’ll take uppity faux-British bullshit over loser white trash any day.
+1
Ah yes…MUCH better with the goggles…now, where’s my skin snorkle??
Gee….I wonder if she’s pondering something important….Nah, what the hell was I thinking…..she’s just checkin out someone’s ass…don’t wanna tax the pea-brain too much!
Her body kind of reminds me of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Once celebs are not photoshopped they look just like any body else – nothing special.
Still looking for that skin snorkle…..
NO!!! Don’t do un-make-up’d close-ups!!! DAMN YOU!
You have GOT to be kidding me… Papparazzi are now reduced to taking pictures of little kids’ butts? I’m sure every pedophile in town is loving this. Ridic!!!
Ladies…look at this ass on a 38 year old mother of two…ok, now look at your own ass. What are you doing wrong?
to be fair, most women with children cannot afford Personal trainers, chefs, etc……with the money and work schedule this woman has, it is a lot easier to look the way she does.