Gwyneth Paltrow’s in a Bikini Again

“Uncle Steven approved these condiments? Oh, no no no no no no… Moses! Fetch mother her decanter of hand-wrung, free range catsup. Spit spot!”

Gwyneth Paltrow spent the weekend in Porto Cervo, Italy with her children and godfather Steven Spielberg while Chris Martin was of course nowhere to be found because, let’s be realistic, he’s a hologram. Surprisingly awesome ass or not – God, I hate you, Richie Tenenbaum – no one could stay married to a woman who repeatedly says shit like this, “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can,” without gunning himself and everyone around her down and calling it a mercy killing. “Father, she’s speaking in a British accent again. And about capers! Make me an angel.”

Photos: Fame