Gwyneth Paltrow ‘Saved a Life’ on 9/11 is One Way To Read This, I Guess

August 18th, 2011 // 35 Comments

“I’ve brought organic gazpacho, terrorism. Prepare to die.”

This story about Lara Lundstrom Clarke being “saved” by Gwyneth Paltrow on 9/11 is gaining a surprising amount of traction this morning which is odd considering once you read it, you realize Gwyneth did absolutely nothing except for almost murder someone with her Mercedes. So, of course, this makes her the real hero of 9/11. (Suck it, first responders.) People reports:

Clarke was rushing to get to work at the Twin Towers in New York City when she jaywalked in order to get to the subway station. As she crossed 7th Avenue, a Mercedes SUV came barreling toward her.
Both Clarke and the car stopped in their tracks, and as the driver waved her across she realized it was Paltrow behind the wheel. The near-collision caused Clarke to miss her train, and by the time she got to work, the first plane had hit the World Trade Center.
… When contacted by The Morton Report, Paltrow’s publicist Stephen Huvane confirmed the accuracy of the incident and added that Paltrow, 38, was “deeply moved” by the story.

And by “deeply moved” I’m going to assume he meant Gwyneth Paltrow threw a hand-painted crystal finger bowl across the room and demanded he kill the story this instant. “How dare they suggest I decelerated my automobile for the poor?! Now how am I supposed to show my face at the Parisian Winery Guild? I’ll be the laughing stock! Cedric, do we still own that Mercedes? I want you to burn it. And if we don’t, buy another one, then burn that one. GOD! Laughing stock.

Photo: Getty, INFdaily, WENN

superficial

  1. let me get this over with.

    background….black Ted Danson…..with his eyes.

  2. Vivian

    Next thing we hear is she’s invited to appear at the 9/11 anniversary ceremony for being a hero. Laughing stock

  3. Just swallow it, Gwyneth. It’s organic.

  4. Rough bringing back the classics

    What does Cedric do in his spare time? I’m trying to solve a mystery here.

  5. MarkM

    Mathew Broderick saved that guy in Ireland from possibly getting robbed later in life by running him over while drunk! So he and alcohol are heroes too!

  6. God is Black

    I’ve said it a thousand times,high maintenance =yes,bat-shit crazy=yes,and pretentious Bitch =yes but I would invite her to my Toga Party and fuck her hard, until we have a son named “Orange.” Thanks for the time.

    • Richard McBeef

      She hasn’t been fucked hard at least since Brad Pitt days, now she would require you to tenderly bone her atop a doily while she enjoys a cup of tea.

  7. Gwyneth Paltrow 911
    Jill_Ess
    Commented on this photo:

    Old guy in the background is checking out that Goop butt.

  8. fucks she wearing, it looks ridic

  9. Jeremy Feist

    When did Gwyneth Paltrow turn into Malory Archer?

  10. Kelce

    Umm, no being irresponsible by running late in the first place is why the person wasn’t in the towers. The 10 seconds that it took for all this to happen is negligible. People are so full of shit.

  11. titsonsnack

    What a load of crap. I’m not saying this didn’t happen, but I am saying that the 0.2 seconds it took for this person to pause, and then get waved ahead by Paltrow is nothing. If you were gonna miss your train you were gonna miss your train regardless of the moment it took you to stop walking for a second. Unless the two of them stayed like that in the street for a full minute staring at eachother, the concept of Gwyneth ‘saving’ this person from doom is bs.

    • TomFrank

      Incorrect. You can miss your train by a second or two, the doors can close right in your face, and if that’s what happened, then yes, that seconds-long pause on the street may have made the difference. It’s sort of like the opening of each of the three sequences in the movie Run Lola Run, where the second’s difference in timing alters the lives of everyone Lola meets, and Lola herself, differently each time she runs into them (or doesn’t run into them).

  12. Gibby Fiske

    This bitch is reminding me of Judith Stone’s husband on the show “Dream On”.

    Any of you old fogies remember that show?

    Her husband was always saving someone, inventing something, rescuing the world or coming up with cures for new diseases, daily. SO full of shit.

    • Frank Burns

      I remember taping it then fast-forwarding to the boob scenes. Didn’t pick the up the actual plot though.

      • O'bejuan

        Ahhh, hark back to the days of ye ol VCR & Western Design Center 65816 16-bit microprocessors running at 2.8 MHz w/ up to 8MB RAM.

        The good ol days, when porn was tits and ass, not girls drinking dog spunk while shitting in a bowl then puking in said bowl, mixing it all up and then drinking it. YUM.

        Hooray for the 21st century.

        THANKS for the invention Al Gore!

  13. greyshrimp

    She’ll ask William Joel to compose a special song for the occasion and offer to write the bourgeois lyrics that will no doubt blow our minds with pretentiousness.

  14. Oh course she did. She should get an award for being a good samartian.

  15. Rough bringing back the classics

    She was jaywalking when Giuliani was in office? Yeah, sure, right…Almost got me with that tearjerker. I’m so gullible.

    • TomFrank

      Eh. Giuliani tried to crack down on jaywalkers, but it never took hold, ’cause that shit is sacrosanct to New Yorkers. And more importantly, the police hate writing anyone up, ’cause they know they’ve got better things to do.

  16. Bubba

    I could have aided in Clarke’s death cuz I bought movie tickets Gweneth was in. So I helped buy the SUV she was driving. Wait some of you bought tickets too, We all could have been murderers. Gweneth deserves more praise than I thought. She saved us all.

  17. Candice Swanepoel, circa 2026.

  18. Steelerchick

    Of course she did !!

  19. Frank Burns

    What I get from this is that Goopy was somehow involved with 9/11, and avoiding hitting a pedestrian because it would draw police attention to her. Or, she purposefully startled the woman to establish an alibi.

    Here’s a gem from the current food section at Goop: “As a home cook, one of the best things I’ve ever done was to build a wood burning oven in the back yard.” Oh, please! Screw you!

  20. When I look at this photo, all I see is Gollum in drag.

  21. The Listener

    This is just an example of the butterfly effect.

  22. Gandhi

    I always knew that Gwyneth Paltrow was one of the greatest humanitarians of our time, right up there with Mother Theresa. Heck, she’s even wearing Mother Theresa’s clothes.

  23. Gwyneth Paltrow 911
    Commented on this photo:

    Getting scarier looking with each passing day.

  24. See Alice

    That looks like Ann Coulter

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