Gwen Stefani, I’d Keep My Bacon Costume On For You: An Open Letter
Dear Gwen “Over Easy” Stefani,
I’d keep my bacon costume on for you.
I wouldn’t check out the window for the paparazzi then take my bacon costume off leaving my wife to look like a lowly sunny-side-up while I maintain my rockstar cool image. No way. Not this guy.
With my bacon costume still on (for you), I’d proudly put my arm around you and say “Hey, don’t we sizzle?” Then we’d laugh and tell people “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” A ha ha ha! (Though, in all seriousness, it is.)
So, the next time Gavin Rossdale comes home all ripped and sweaty from working out, and he’s holding a fistful of record label cash then says “Hello” in that British accent of his that causes women to instantly self-lubricate, just remember: That guy on the Internet said he’d keep his bacon costume on for you.
Let’s make love in an English Muffin,
The Superficial Writer
P.S. Just so we’re completely honest up front, there have been other breakfast items before you: Some donuts, a grapefruit and, one time, that guy from the Quaker Oats box. He had a powdered wig on!