God Bless America, We’re Back

July 5th, 2011 // 51 Comments

You know, I talk a lot of shit about America, but there’s one thing I don’t give this country enough credit for: Welcoming bleached blonde gold-diggers like Gretchen Rossi with open arms. Here’s a woman who’s done absolutely nothing but sell a few pieces of real estate to trophy wives who got her on The Real Housewives of Orange County, only to divorce her husband for an even larger mark that conveniently died a year into their engagement. So, basically, the type of Cinderella story you tell your grandkids so they’re not afraid to dream the impossible dream.

GRAMPA: And that’s how an Iraqi took my leg fighting for.. whatever the hell that war was about. Putting Burger Kings in the desert? I can’t remember.
KIDS: We want to hear about fancy hooking!
GRAMPA: Dangsnabbit, you kids and your hussies. Alright, but it’s gonna be a Holly Madison one.
KIDS: Yay!
GRAMPA: Once upon a time, a magic pill named “Viagra” helped a very old prince have three special lady friends who by all rights should’ve been no more famous than your run of the mill stripper, but George Washington didn’t stab the King of England to start a country where fake titties don’t let you write your own ticket. Why I reckon that’d be communism.

Photos: Splash News, WENN


  1. ChonchArcola

    who am i kidding..of course i’d hit that.Go America! USA USA USA!

    • Andrea

      Really, her body looks discusting (well it matches the rest of her…) I dont even know who she is. I just came on here because I liked the was her hair was curled lol.

      • erica

        whats so disgusting about her body,? she has a nice flat stomach, toned legs, cute butt, oh ya wow so disgusting!

  2. I’d salute that.

  3. GuyLeDouche

    Fan made in China, bikini made in Indonesia, glass made in Mexico filled with Japanese soda topped with a Chilean lemon slice. Implants made in Germany, and cheesy earrings from India. The All-American woman.

  4. Sin

    Oh hell yes!! God Bless America!

  5. Sin

    My flagpole just went up….

  6. gluten


  7. Elliott

    A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

  8. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:

    I should thank my Lucky-Star

  9. obz

    nice target to land your wad on

  10. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:


  11. Always say cunt

    My best mate once shagged a whore in Amsterdam who looked exactly like that.

    Just sain’

  12. Jam

    People like her make me sick.

    You’re not born with any particular talent, all you have is a vagina, a decent face and a body. So you’ll do some “real estate work” and then marry a rich guy. Life – done.

    The American Dream

    • General Disarray

      Doesn’t that describe like 85% of the women in this country?

      • Anon

        Ummm no, not at all. If there were enough rich guys and enough attractive women in this country to make that scenario describe 85% of our population, we would be living in a very, very different country.

    • cc

      I hate to confirm anyone’s general cynicism, but I work with a lot of surgeons and let me just say ‘money is one hell of an aphrodisiac…or something’. As you can imagine, surgeons do rather well. It amuses me no end looking at the pics of their wives and children in their offices. You’ve never seen so many trophy wives in your life. Half of these guys have wives that were sitting at their desk waiting for recess when these guys were writing their MCATs.

  13. Venom

    Is she a vapid, talentless idiot? Yes.
    Would I do her over and over again? Absolutely.

    I think she is a pretty decent looking trophy wife, especially for her age and was well worth the money that Jeff spent on her, especially since his kids seemed pretty useless.
    If you are going to die, at least do it banging some hot little blonde golddigger.

  14. Coyote

    She is supposed to be hosting a party at a pool side lounge. Looks to me nobody came.

  15. the captain

    maybe folks: BUT THERE IS TOUGH ROAD AHEAD OF US!!!!!!!!!!!
    so stay tuned, folks………

  16. Jovy

    Nice horse face, ms. boring mcborington.

  17. Doc Schweinstrudel

    So sick and tired of paying my bills myself. If only I could be a golddigger (I have the looks but not the guts).

  18. Motorboat Captain

    Fake tits + flat ass = not interested.

  19. steV0dd

    Never before has Grampa made so much sense.

  20. Deacon Jones

    I always thought this chick had a “wow” factor.

    I think it’s the abs to hips ratio. Usually girls with stomachs like that are rails, but she actually has a nice butt and legs to go along with it.

    Time to rent a Lambo and drive around until I see her on the sidewalk.

    • TomFrank

      A girl like that won’t put out without seeing a bank statement first. That’s how you become a success at gold digging: careful planning. The ones who fall for the “rent a Lamborghini” types—they’re the gold digging failures that you never hear about.

  21. Bannister Spaulding

    4 fingers of scotch on a mediocre Friday night

  22. Elihu Tarelton

    without makeup and hair ,????

  23. Cock Dr

    We should air drop her into Taliban territory.
    Whatever happens afterwards would be funny.

  24. Donald Trump

    Another ugly girl with wonky titties.

  25. Warhol was misquoted. I believe what he actually said was, “In the future, everyone will have their own reality show and a shaven twat.”

  26. Dan

    I dunno. Not so hot in the face. And probably really annoying. I’ll pass.

  27. I dunno..something about using American flag symbolism as a skanks fake tit and fish wrapper seems antithetical to the spirit of the 4th of July holiday.

  28. bonerhard

    The ultimate butterface?

  29. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:

    average at best

  30. Jason

    She looks good but I just don’t like fake tits. Although I would gladly see her naked to judge if they are real. :-)

  31. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:

    This chick has no a$$ OR boobs! She’s skinny as a rail and NO curves! HOW the hell she became famous is beyond me! Only good looking thing about her is her face and hair! lol

  32. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    still hit it
    Commented on this photo:

    keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars…

  33. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:

    what what

  34. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Commented on this photo:

    Love to lick her belly.

  35. Gretchen Rossi Bikini Real Housewives of Orange County
    Queen of Everything
    Commented on this photo:

    I like Gretchen – she’s got a great body with natural breasts. She talked about gettihg implants but I hope she doesnt do it. She’s so cute the way she is.

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