Do You Like Movies About Turd Clouds?
A Review of ‘Green Lantern’

“Shh, shh, they only show your side-boob once.”

Welcome to the exact moment I regret promising to review the big four comic films of the summer because, power ring me in the anus, Green Lantern was bad. Granted, it’s not as completely horrific as most critics are having a field day making it out to be, I’m not about to get anywhere near Armond White-levels of contrariness and claim it’s as if the original Star Wars and Richard Donner’s Superman banged and made a green space baby, which is literally what the filmmakers have been trying to tout this thing as. (Looking at you, Geoff Johns.) If anything, this movie is just a notch above Ghost Rider which, coincidentally, is also getting a sequel because our country is a consumer shitbox of dumb where people just want to see shiny, moving lights, but more on that later. For now, let’s discuss how Warner Bros. spent $300 million on this thing, yet never stopped to think, “Wait, is the bad guy diarrhea? That can’t be right.”

NOTE: While I’ve been whiting out spoilers in past reviews, I have to summarize a few plot points, namely the end, for the sake of pointing out how retarded the entire premise of this movie is, but trust me when I say it’s absolutely nothing you won’t see coming a mile away.

The Shit That Worked:
Blake Lively in a tight black dress.
– Blake Lively’s side-boob during the bar scene. (Watch closely, true believers!)
– Blake Lively’s face which is one of those spoilers I mentioned earlier, though I don’t think anyone saw this one coming. My bad.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
Ryan Reynolds gets a lot of flak for essentially being Ryan Reynolds, but to his credit, he did the best anyone could’ve done with the material he was given, and that includes the oft-geek-fellated Nathan Fillion. Absolutely nothing that went wrong with this movie was his fault, but I hope to God he at least apologized to the troops after they were forced to watch it on Thursday. Those people go through fucking hell, and this is the thanks they get? It’s a miracle they haven’t revolted and overthrown the government yet.
– Blake Lively’s acting. I went into this movie fully expecting her to give a wooden performance based on the locker room scene in the trailer, but like Ryan Reynolds, she does the best she can with what she’s got which shouldn’t be surprising considering she was decent in The Town. More importantly, she was “allegedly” involved in a naked photos scandal conveniently before Green Lantern’s release, and I don’t want to give young Hollywood actresses the idea that this tactic doesn’t work like gangbusters. On that note, “Blake Lively’s performance should make any actress ‘green’ with envy,” is how I want to be quoted in the trades.
– The obligatory romance. Even with the entire movie drowning in a shit cloud around her, Blake Lively’s Carol Ferris was actually a more organic – and hotter, way, way hotter (Again, naked pics will get you everywhere here.) – love interest than Natalie Portman: Astrophysicist in Thor and especially Rose Byrne in X-Men: First Class who I still believe Professor X just teleki-roofied off-camera.

The Shit That Shat:
– The CGI. How the hell do you spend $300 million and wind up with scenes where it looks like Ryan Reynolds disembodied head is floating in front of a cartoon, and the ultimate galactic force of evil is a turd cloud with yellow fog? At some point during test footage, no one realized, “Shit, we made a live-action version of The Poop That Took a Pee?” Because I find that hard to believe.
– Anyone in the Green Lantern Corps who isn’t Sinestro. “Hey, it’s that really important guy from the comics, and that other really important guy from the comics! And, now, they’re gone after two words.” If you’re a Green Lantern fan, get ready for that.
– The entire fucking movie. Let me just sum up the whole plot: Despite inexplicably being one of the best fighter pilots around even though he crashes planes by thinking about his dad dying right in the middle of complex aerial maneuvers, Ryan Reynolds is chosen by a green ring powered by harvesting the entire universe’s willpower (Yup.) to join an elite group of alien species protecting the galaxy, making him the first human bestowed with such an honor. He goes to “train” with them for all of 15 seconds, says “Fuck this, I quit,” returns to Earth for wacky hijinks, has the most shark-jumpingest superhero introduction that the movie never recovers from and then let’s everyone around him know his secret identity as soon as possible. At that point, the diarrhea monster sets his sights on Earth, so Ryan Reynolds flies back into space and basically strolls right up to the millennia-old, practically omnipotent high council of Guardians who spend the whole movie trying to defeat the planet-eating turd cloud with an entire army of Green Lanterns and says “Hey, I know I just quit all that training earlier and didn’t listen to a fucking word anyone said, but what if I just believe in myself?” And it fucking works. That’s it. That’s the fucking ending. Ryan Reynolds saves the day because he just believes he’s awesome. Apparently, every single one of the thousands of other alien species wielding the same exact ring have self-esteem issues. Space dads must walk out more than Earth dads, I guess.

Obviously, I’m not going to recommend anyone see this this unless I hate you. Even if you’re a die-hard fan of the comics, I’m hesitant to say wait for it on Netflix. Which brings me to another point, Joey Esposito over at IGN Comics agrees this movie isn’t that good, but still thinks it’s awesome because fans are finally seeing a Green Lantern movie anyway. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s how these studios win. When you just lie down and go, “At least I get to see some dickhead dressed up like my favorite superhero,” that’s how we end up with movies based on board games and basically anything with brand recognition, so just assume breakfast cereals are next. That said, I actually went into my local comic shop right after seeing Green Lantern, and just mentioning it caused people to look at the ground like I caught them masturbating outside a day care. So, fortunately not every fanboy is going, “Whoopee! Moving pictures of stuff I like!”

Rating: [Insert whatever number best represents me honestly debating if Daredevil was a better movie here.]

Photos: Warner Bros.