Do You Like Movies About Turd Clouds?
A Review of ‘Green Lantern’

June 19th, 2011 // 119 Comments

“Shh, shh, they only show your side-boob once.”

Welcome to the exact moment I regret promising to review the big four comic films of the summer because, power ring me in the anus, Green Lantern was bad. Granted, it’s not as completely horrific as most critics are having a field day making it out to be, I’m not about to get anywhere near Armond White-levels of contrariness and claim it’s as if the original Star Wars and Richard Donner’s Superman banged and made a green space baby, which is literally what the filmmakers have been trying to tout this thing as. (Looking at you, Geoff Johns.) If anything, this movie is just a notch above Ghost Rider which, coincidentally, is also getting a sequel because our country is a consumer shitbox of dumb where people just want to see shiny, moving lights, but more on that later. For now, let’s discuss how Warner Bros. spent $300 million on this thing, yet never stopped to think, “Wait, is the bad guy diarrhea? That can’t be right.”

NOTE: While I’ve been whiting out spoilers in past reviews, I have to summarize a few plot points, namely the end, for the sake of pointing out how retarded the entire premise of this movie is, but trust me when I say it’s absolutely nothing you won’t see coming a mile away.

The Shit That Worked:
- Blake Lively in a tight black dress.
- Blake Lively’s side-boob during the bar scene. (Watch closely, true believers!)
- Blake Lively’s face which is one of those spoilers I mentioned earlier, though I don’t think anyone saw this one coming. My bad.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- Ryan Reynolds gets a lot of flak for essentially being Ryan Reynolds, but to his credit, he did the best anyone could’ve done with the material he was given, and that includes the oft-geek-fellated Nathan Fillion. Absolutely nothing that went wrong with this movie was his fault, but I hope to God he at least apologized to the troops after they were forced to watch it on Thursday. Those people go through fucking hell, and this is the thanks they get? It’s a miracle they haven’t revolted and overthrown the government yet.
- Blake Lively’s acting. I went into this movie fully expecting her to give a wooden performance based on the locker room scene in the trailer, but like Ryan Reynolds, she does the best she can with what she’s got which shouldn’t be surprising considering she was decent in The Town. More importantly, she was “allegedly” involved in a naked photos scandal conveniently before Green Lantern’s release, and I don’t want to give young Hollywood actresses the idea that this tactic doesn’t work like gangbusters. On that note, “Blake Lively’s performance should make any actress ‘green’ with envy,” is how I want to be quoted in the trades.
- The obligatory romance. Even with the entire movie drowning in a shit cloud around her, Blake Lively’s Carol Ferris was actually a more organic – and hotter, way, way hotter (Again, naked pics will get you everywhere here.) – love interest than Natalie Portman: Astrophysicist in Thor and especially Rose Byrne in X-Men: First Class who I still believe Professor X just teleki-roofied off-camera.

The Shit That Shat:
- The CGI. How the hell do you spend $300 million and wind up with scenes where it looks like Ryan Reynolds disembodied head is floating in front of a cartoon, and the ultimate galactic force of evil is a turd cloud with yellow fog? At some point during test footage, no one realized, “Shit, we made a live-action version of The Poop That Took a Pee?” Because I find that hard to believe.
- Anyone in the Green Lantern Corps who isn’t Sinestro. “Hey, it’s that really important guy from the comics, and that other really important guy from the comics! And, now, they’re gone after two words.” If you’re a Green Lantern fan, get ready for that.
- The entire fucking movie. Let me just sum up the whole plot: Despite inexplicably being one of the best fighter pilots around even though he crashes planes by thinking about his dad dying right in the middle of complex aerial maneuvers, Ryan Reynolds is chosen by a green ring powered by harvesting the entire universe’s willpower (Yup.) to join an elite group of alien species protecting the galaxy, making him the first human bestowed with such an honor. He goes to “train” with them for all of 15 seconds, says “Fuck this, I quit,” returns to Earth for wacky hijinks, has the most shark-jumpingest superhero introduction that the movie never recovers from and then let’s everyone around him know his secret identity as soon as possible. At that point, the diarrhea monster sets his sights on Earth, so Ryan Reynolds flies back into space and basically strolls right up to the millennia-old, practically omnipotent high council of Guardians who spend the whole movie trying to defeat the planet-eating turd cloud with an entire army of Green Lanterns and says “Hey, I know I just quit all that training earlier and didn’t listen to a fucking word anyone said, but what if I just believe in myself?” And it fucking works. That’s it. That’s the fucking ending. Ryan Reynolds saves the day because he just believes he’s awesome. Apparently, every single one of the thousands of other alien species wielding the same exact ring have self-esteem issues. Space dads must walk out more than Earth dads, I guess.

Obviously, I’m not going to recommend anyone see this this unless I hate you. Even if you’re a die-hard fan of the comics, I’m hesitant to say wait for it on Netflix. Which brings me to another point, Joey Esposito over at IGN Comics agrees this movie isn’t that good, but still thinks it’s awesome because fans are finally seeing a Green Lantern movie anyway. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s how these studios win. When you just lie down and go, “At least I get to see some dickhead dressed up like my favorite superhero,” that’s how we end up with movies based on board games and basically anything with brand recognition, so just assume breakfast cereals are next. That said, I actually went into my local comic shop right after seeing Green Lantern, and just mentioning it caused people to look at the ground like I caught them masturbating outside a day care. So, fortunately not every fanboy is going, “Whoopee! Moving pictures of stuff I like!”

Rating: [Insert whatever number best represents me honestly debating if Daredevil was a better movie here.]

Photos: Warner Bros.

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  1. the dude

    Nice review. This movie really is terrible. And yes, it’s not Reynolds’ fault. Although he clearly took this role for the $$$. We all know what comic book character he really wnats to play…

    And it seems this movie may well be one of the biggest box office bombs in history. Thoroughly deserved.

  2. Donald Trump

    Can I just say – I’d suck every last bit of cum from Ryan’s weiner.

    Seriously!

  3. LMAO. Awesome review. Brutally honest and I appreciate that.

    However, “movies about board games”? What? You didn’t like “Clue”??

  4. Jon

    I got more entertainment in those 20 secs I spent looking at Lively’s leaked pics then I did this movie, and I don’t even think she is that hot. Without the movie, I probably wouldn’t be seeing the pics but they are not worth 300 million dollars to see.

  5. alex

    I agree with most of the comments regarding the acting but disagree with the CGI. I thought the effects were pretty great however some of the ideas were just stupid…that green racetrack was pretty bad.

    The main issue I had with the movie was the awful lack of characterization. Or complete lack. If they stuck with any one subplot, it would have allowed the viewer to associate with the character. But by the end of the movie, the one character that I was pulling for was the bad guy played by Peter Sarsgaard. He acted so well that he seemed out of place in this schlockfest.

    As for the dollars, the movie did $52+ million in the first weekend. Next weeks tally will probably be in the $14-15 million range and I’m guessing it will stay in that range for at least 2-3 more weeks. So they’ll make $110-120 million-ish at the box office in the US. The Europe and Japan markets will account for another $100 million. DVD sales / Netflix will be another $40-50 million. Tie-in’s and other merchandising will account for another $40-50 million. So yes, they will probably lose money on this. Barely.

    Thor was much better. Portman is not as hot as Blake but she can act circles around the clearly-out-of-her-depth TV actress Lively.

  6. Steelerchick

    How could this movie be shit with Ryan Reynolds in it? Don’t believe it :P

  7. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Commented on this photo:

    Why did they revive David Niven for this shit?

    • Abhay

      I agree with Rassilon, unless you are aullatcy issue collecting. If you’re looking for reading copies to read about GL’s past, you can’t go wrong with the SP volumes. We discuss those a lot up in the AMSA Forum. Even better, there are the GL Archives volumes, many of which are available on eBay and at conventions for half-price. Those are a tough deal to beat, unless you want the letter columns and ads (which some collectors do). It occurred to me that, if you weren’t aware of those, they’d be good options, and I didn’t want to assume you did. BTW, Mile High Comics recently had a promotion in which, if you bought a certain amount of comics (I think it was $50 worth), you got a complete set of the recent promotional multi-color GL rings that DC was giving out. That deal was made in the newsletter only, another reason to sign up for it. Craig Shutt

  8. jjfrommonroe

    This guys review is almost funny as yours. Totally worth a read.

    http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/debbiedowner/news/?a=39864

  9. kkreitlein

    Thanks for the heads up, if I was heistant to see it before… I’ll be skipping it now. I have to say, reading your movie reviews and the resulting comments and threads has been the best thing on the site this summer. It is nice to see that some males can juggle their love for boobs and intelligent nerdom simultaneously.

  10. cc

    ‘our country is a consumer shitbox of dumb where people just want to see shiny, moving lights’

    SP writer, also known in some circles as ‘the speaker of painful truths’.

  11. cc

    BTW, would you actually rate this movie as worse than ‘Spawn’. A friend made me go see that and I was so mad afterward I made him give me back the money for the ticket.

  12. AleisterCrowley

    Enough with the gay superheroes! Please!

  13. anonym

    blake lively’s nekkid pics look better than this.

    I hope studios realize now that Ryan Reynolds doesn’t have the star power to move movies.
    he is, at best, a costar.

  14. Brandon

    Daredevil v Green Lantern? I can’t really say one was better than the other.

  15. Zing!

    Will Ferrell is looking good.

  16. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Ray
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks a lot like Jane Seymour with that brown hair!

  17. Jonathan

    Why isn’t this on I WATCH STUFF!?

  18. Wouldfuckyousofast

    Fish,
    I’d just like you to know that after reading this review, its officially decided: even if you are a fat asshole with a tiny dick who does nothing but sit at home and masturbate to pictures of Blake Lively, I would still fuck you for being so funny.

  19. Xeorad

    I wasted 5 bucks on this POS in pay-per-view. I should have rented “Rango” instead

  20. bestchristmas gift 2011

    Outstanding info over again. Thanks!

  21. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Idalia
    Commented on this photo:

    - Page 5 -Panel 1: Where are the tacos? Panel 2: They they’re down there. Panel 3: You mean to tell me, you forgot them? Great just great. Those meant a lot to me, y’know? Panel 4: Now I have to go all the way acrsos the solar system to another taco joint. Thanks a lot! Panel 5: I can’t believe you LEFT the only food we had on an exploding planet, man. Epic Fail. Hold on Tomar, let me follow. I need to know where this taco joint is. I’m hungry as hell.

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