Do You Like Movies About Turd Clouds?
A Review of ‘Green Lantern’

June 19th, 2011 // 119 Comments

“Shh, shh, they only show your side-boob once.”

Welcome to the exact moment I regret promising to review the big four comic films of the summer because, power ring me in the anus, Green Lantern was bad. Granted, it’s not as completely horrific as most critics are having a field day making it out to be, I’m not about to get anywhere near Armond White-levels of contrariness and claim it’s as if the original Star Wars and Richard Donner’s Superman banged and made a green space baby, which is literally what the filmmakers have been trying to tout this thing as. (Looking at you, Geoff Johns.) If anything, this movie is just a notch above Ghost Rider which, coincidentally, is also getting a sequel because our country is a consumer shitbox of dumb where people just want to see shiny, moving lights, but more on that later. For now, let’s discuss how Warner Bros. spent $300 million on this thing, yet never stopped to think, “Wait, is the bad guy diarrhea? That can’t be right.”

NOTE: While I’ve been whiting out spoilers in past reviews, I have to summarize a few plot points, namely the end, for the sake of pointing out how retarded the entire premise of this movie is, but trust me when I say it’s absolutely nothing you won’t see coming a mile away.

The Shit That Worked:
- Blake Lively in a tight black dress.
- Blake Lively’s side-boob during the bar scene. (Watch closely, true believers!)
- Blake Lively’s face which is one of those spoilers I mentioned earlier, though I don’t think anyone saw this one coming. My bad.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- Ryan Reynolds gets a lot of flak for essentially being Ryan Reynolds, but to his credit, he did the best anyone could’ve done with the material he was given, and that includes the oft-geek-fellated Nathan Fillion. Absolutely nothing that went wrong with this movie was his fault, but I hope to God he at least apologized to the troops after they were forced to watch it on Thursday. Those people go through fucking hell, and this is the thanks they get? It’s a miracle they haven’t revolted and overthrown the government yet.
- Blake Lively’s acting. I went into this movie fully expecting her to give a wooden performance based on the locker room scene in the trailer, but like Ryan Reynolds, she does the best she can with what she’s got which shouldn’t be surprising considering she was decent in The Town. More importantly, she was “allegedly” involved in a naked photos scandal conveniently before Green Lantern’s release, and I don’t want to give young Hollywood actresses the idea that this tactic doesn’t work like gangbusters. On that note, “Blake Lively’s performance should make any actress ‘green’ with envy,” is how I want to be quoted in the trades.
- The obligatory romance. Even with the entire movie drowning in a shit cloud around her, Blake Lively’s Carol Ferris was actually a more organic – and hotter, way, way hotter (Again, naked pics will get you everywhere here.) – love interest than Natalie Portman: Astrophysicist in Thor and especially Rose Byrne in X-Men: First Class who I still believe Professor X just teleki-roofied off-camera.

The Shit That Shat:
- The CGI. How the hell do you spend $300 million and wind up with scenes where it looks like Ryan Reynolds disembodied head is floating in front of a cartoon, and the ultimate galactic force of evil is a turd cloud with yellow fog? At some point during test footage, no one realized, “Shit, we made a live-action version of The Poop That Took a Pee?” Because I find that hard to believe.
- Anyone in the Green Lantern Corps who isn’t Sinestro. “Hey, it’s that really important guy from the comics, and that other really important guy from the comics! And, now, they’re gone after two words.” If you’re a Green Lantern fan, get ready for that.
- The entire fucking movie. Let me just sum up the whole plot: Despite inexplicably being one of the best fighter pilots around even though he crashes planes by thinking about his dad dying right in the middle of complex aerial maneuvers, Ryan Reynolds is chosen by a green ring powered by harvesting the entire universe’s willpower (Yup.) to join an elite group of alien species protecting the galaxy, making him the first human bestowed with such an honor. He goes to “train” with them for all of 15 seconds, says “Fuck this, I quit,” returns to Earth for wacky hijinks, has the most shark-jumpingest superhero introduction that the movie never recovers from and then let’s everyone around him know his secret identity as soon as possible. At that point, the diarrhea monster sets his sights on Earth, so Ryan Reynolds flies back into space and basically strolls right up to the millennia-old, practically omnipotent high council of Guardians who spend the whole movie trying to defeat the planet-eating turd cloud with an entire army of Green Lanterns and says “Hey, I know I just quit all that training earlier and didn’t listen to a fucking word anyone said, but what if I just believe in myself?” And it fucking works. That’s it. That’s the fucking ending. Ryan Reynolds saves the day because he just believes he’s awesome. Apparently, every single one of the thousands of other alien species wielding the same exact ring have self-esteem issues. Space dads must walk out more than Earth dads, I guess.

Obviously, I’m not going to recommend anyone see this this unless I hate you. Even if you’re a die-hard fan of the comics, I’m hesitant to say wait for it on Netflix. Which brings me to another point, Joey Esposito over at IGN Comics agrees this movie isn’t that good, but still thinks it’s awesome because fans are finally seeing a Green Lantern movie anyway. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s how these studios win. When you just lie down and go, “At least I get to see some dickhead dressed up like my favorite superhero,” that’s how we end up with movies based on board games and basically anything with brand recognition, so just assume breakfast cereals are next. That said, I actually went into my local comic shop right after seeing Green Lantern, and just mentioning it caused people to look at the ground like I caught them masturbating outside a day care. So, fortunately not every fanboy is going, “Whoopee! Moving pictures of stuff I like!”

Rating: [Insert whatever number best represents me honestly debating if Daredevil was a better movie here.]

Photos: Warner Bros.

superficial

  1. Jon Hex

    Good Lord, thank you. If I heard one more person say “I liked it for what is was” I think I’d scream in their face “What the fuck does that mean?” They threw together the plot of this movie in like twenty minutes and spent a year making every alien disturbing to watch. And that bonus scene. Fuck you, Campbell. The reasoning behind that scene is he went bad in the comics so this is happening. Lazy ass.

  2. numbah 1

    great review.
    but the movie only cost $200 million

  3. Ben

    That Sucks

  4. _mark

    It sounds awful. Lol. What a waste of funds.

  5. Go see Super 8. That shit was fun :)

    • MrsPlant

      I loved that movie. Very good, funny, touching, and Kyle Chandler is fucking sexy. I love me my Coach Taylor.

      • kkreitlein

        yeah not to mention the incredible acting of those tweens blew away any acting ability I’ve seen thus far by any of the big name stars in these summer blockbusters.

    • cc

      Thank God. I was running out of movie options. At least there is one to give me hope.

    • Bj

      Super 8 was so good! Elle Fanning sort of kicks her sister’s ass.

  6. This review is probably more entertaining than the movie itself. I hope you do more reviews on upcoming “summer blockbuster movies.”

  7. Venom

    Normally I would say who the fuck a shitty actress like Blake Lively is blowing to get the roles she is getting in these movies, but I think we all know the answer to that question….

  8. direchef

    Fish, start your own review site.

    • isnt this a disney product?

      This is just a weak attempt at reproducing ‘the good the bad and the ugly’ format but using curse words to sound cool. Seriously, was this writer really that blinded by her nude pics because the only parts he praised where the blake parts. if you have ever seen half of a commercial for gossip girl then it is clear she can act about as much as any other run of the mill pop actress.
      lastly, i’m no green latern fan but isn’t he a marvel character? DISNEY owns marvel now so this shit is just going to keep happening. disney wanted a bigger fan base so now they have princesses and super heroes$$$. Their last few princess movies have been terrible (I know this is a fanboy site) as well but it dosen’t matter because people will still see it regardless and todays young people are buzzed on flash.

      • what?

        green lantern is dc.

      • pepper

        Green Lantern is DC Comics which is a subsidiary of Warner Brothers. Same people who make Batman.

        Too bad this wasn’t Batman…

      • Miss Swan

        No, Green Lantern is D.C. It’s a Warner Bros. movie. The internet is an amazing tool, you should look into how to use it.

      • Nova

        @miss swan good for you for answering a question two other people already answered. But you would know cause i’m sure you’re one of those ‘guys-girls’ that ‘loves’ comics and sports. The Disney purchase of Marvel has changed the game and created a diferent kind of competition for comic book industry that didn’t exist before. you can go back to burping and pretending to like gin.

  9. Melissa

    Blake Lively is a shitty actress. Don’t waste your time with this crappy movie.

  10. who me?

    Who cares.. Ryan is hot, so it’s worth the money..

    • Colin

      Yeah, Ryan’s hot. Which is why we have the internet.

    • Anon

      Poor girl, has to pay to see hot men. You do know what the Internet is for, right?

    • MrsPlant

      Are you kidding? He seems like such a massive douchebag.

    • ugh

      Ryan’s bullshit “bedroom eyes” makes me want to kick his teeth in. He’s got that “I think I’m sexy but I’m going to pretend like I don’t think I am and that will make me more attractive” look. Ugh I’m going to vomit…

  11. TomFrank

    Ha! “Armond White-levels of contrariness.” I remember back before the Internets when there were just a few thousand of us New York Press readers who loathed his reviews and his bullshit analysis. (I remember some comment he made that in Raiders of the Lost Ark, when the kid left an apple on Indiana Jones’s desk, he was making a homosexual pass at him.)

    And now that antipathy is nationwide.

    • hz

      I hate Armond White’s reviews but he was probably right about that Raiders of the Lost Ark thing. It’s pretty clearly shown that everyone’s just in that class cuz they think Professor Jones is hot, pretty much all the students were making a pass at him why would we assume the guy wasn’t?

  12. DngnRdr

    Haven’t seen GL yet but in regards to the GR “sequel” mentioned, apparently it’s a remake, not a sequel, as they’re throwing out the old origin and reworking it… but Nic Cage is playing him again.

    • Colin

      What’s the point of remaking it if they’re just giving him the opportunity to crap it up again?

      • ???

        Nic Cage is $13 mil in debt to the government for not paying taxes – I’m surprised he’s not doing more sad kids movies, like desperate-for-cash Eddie Murphy and The Rock. Of course he’ll do a Ghost Rider 2, he’ll do anything for the dollars.

  13. Opsidolala

    Yeah, it’s awfull, but people like you still go and watch it… It will make a lot of money and they’ll be making a sequel. Which will be awfull. But you are still going to watch it just to say it’s awfull, and it’ll make a lot of money, and there will be a third movie…

    You know what you could do? DON’T GO WATCH IT!! That’s why Hollywood keeps taking away money from good directors and smaller movies, to make movies like this pile of shit, that people will watch god knows why! It’ll never stop until you stop watching them…

    • Seriously, you’re ridiculous. It’s at the point now where marketing drives the studios, so anything that can adhere to a patented franchise formula and has an outside tie-in gets made, because the concept is that even if the last one was shitty, it’ll still make money – and the next one’s really gonna pay off. Ghost Rider was unbelievably bad, but the studio started promoting it two years before it was released, and once it hit the bowl and floated around, they flogged GameBoy tie ins, DVD collections and who the fuck knows what else, and the result is that it’s now grossed around $225M. So they figure they can do it again with a sequel – and they’ll probably be right . As long as McDonald’s will push a Green Lantern Happy Meal, guess what other movie sequel will get green-lighted?

      But how many people here will at least have some sense to stay away based on this review? Better that one should suffer (and have to pay for it) than thousands fall into the cesspit thanks to the warning. Of course, if Fish had demanded his money back after having to sit through it, it would be the ultimate in awesomeness.

      • kimmykimkim

        I didn’t need a review to know it was a steaming pile of excrement – I mean, it has Van Wilder in it. But I totally agree, one person paying to suffer through it and then report about it is waaay better than people going in to this shitfest completely unaware. We don’t want any more fatalities. More reviews Fish! Please! I’m really hoping Horrible Bosses does not suck. If it does, I might have to throw a brick through someone’s window. Any window will do. I don’t discriminate.

  14. Dumas

    All i could think about was look there’s that chick from Fringe and that guy from IT Crowd

  15. Cock Dr

    I had no interest in seeing it, and your review inspires me to continue not seeing it. Ryan Reynalds should stick to being shirtless chick flicks. It’s a good living.
    I’m holding out for “Backgammon: The Chance Adventure – Episode One”. Staring Shia LaBeouf as “The Doubler” with a special guest appearance by Jon Voight as”The Dice-Keeper”.

  16. nnr

    well you still have to watch it first before you know its crap?? otherwise you would just rely one some douche bags opinion and you acknowledge that you only like movies that are rated great…

  17. D

    Interesting in that I thought the CGI was mostly really tasteful, while I think Blake Lively might have put out the worst performance of all time. And that’s even considering she was given bad material. It wasn’t like Natalie Portman or Ewen Mcgregor in Star Wars, she was just awful. I mostly agree with the comment in relation to Ryan Reynolds, however.

  18. threeringcircus

    Perfect example of Hollywood Big Budget Movie by Committee, ridiculous FX budget that looks completely wasted, wooden dialogue, bad acting, characters that are introduced and then never seen again, holes in the plot big enough to run an aircraft carrier through, etc… I could go on and on. Like I posted earlier, Ryan Reynolds isn’t really responsible for this movie being awful, Ian Holm and Ian McKellen couldn’t save this movie from being horrific.

  19. fsgdfgff

    I think the problem is they spent longer figuring out the exact brown hair shade for the girl than writing the script.

  20. James West

    Some greedy monkeys will do anything for a buck.

  21. Bow Chica Wow Wow

    Side-boob vs a shitty movie, tough choice! I saw Priest recently, that’s a really good movie to go see.

  22. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Big budget comedy, amirite?

  23. Matt

    I’ve read “Green Lantern” since the early1960′s. I did not expect much from the movie, but I ended up enjoying it quite a bit. Sorry to see that you didn’t, but I’m not that sorry.

  24. puddleduck

    i would do ryan reynolds until is nads turned green

  25. Lemmiwinks

    It looks like The Mask on steroids, or perhaps The Mask on hemorrhoids would be more apt.

  26. Jimmy

    For the record, I didn’t think Daredevil was a terrible movie.

  27. TomFrank

    By the way, Fish, did you stick around for the post-credits scene, or had you walked out in disgust by then?

  28. Eddie

    Despite how horrific you make this movie sound, I think I’ll go pay to see Super 8, and then sneak into Green Lantern. I had a feeling it was going to be garbage. I don’t have anything personal against Ryan Reynolds, but his movies are pure garbage.

    Adventureland was good, but he was only in a few scenes!

  29. The Listener

    I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Apparently I saw the Green Lantern movie in some parallel universe in which none of the bloggers here have been because the movie I saw yesterday was great. Of course, I did see it in 3-D which made the action, especially the space flight scenes, come right off the screen.

  30. ???

    Why sit through the entire shitstorm of this movie to see Blake Lively’s side boob? Her naked pictures are all over the Internet, AND you don’t have to suffer through her pathetic excuse for acting. She walks the same path as Megan Fox – if you’re hot and willing to blow anyone, you can have a career for 2-3 years, but as soon as the next it girl walks in Lively will be doing anything to make a buck. At least Fox never released nudes – after seeing her naked, no one gives a shit about Lively anymore. Hopefully we’ll be seeing that bitch in the unemployment line soon, because sitting through her “performances” is a crushing insult to the entire acting profession.

    • MrsPlant

      Lively built her career more solidly than Fox did. First of all, Lively started on Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants which was for middle school girls (which was why I saw it) and then followed that with Gossip Girl, for high school girls, building her a solid, young female fanbase before she started turning the screws for a sex symbol status (thanks to the nose job and boob job). But on top of that, she has been building relationships with Karl Lagerfeld and Anna Wintour, and has become the darling of the fashion elite. At this point, now that she’s helming superhero blockbusters and dating Dicaprio, we have to all admit that bitch has got game, a lot more so than Megan Fox and will consequently stay around for a while, at most until she starts getting old like SJP and the body can’t make up for the jappy horse face.

      • baron of all media

        Great response! Mostly. You had me until “jappy horse face.” Sorry toots, but Blake Lively is fkn HOT.

      • MrsPlant

        Ok, she might be hot. I’m a female so it’s harder for me to judge that, but it would be ridiculous to say her face is anywhere in the same league as Natalie Portman. Can you imagine her shaving her head completely bald and looking beautiful?

        And yes, I officially have nothing to do today. So I will just continue rebutting as long as anyone wants to go.

  31. The Listener

    My theory. Many here have raised their expectations for sci-fi and comic book based movies because James Cameron’s Avatar and George Lucas’ Star Wars movies were so outstanding that anything not up to those standards are now being labeld as bad movies.
    Exception: Superman Returns REALLY WAS an AWFUL movie.

    • theTruth

      Thats a joke right? I have trouble reading sarcasm through type.
      James Cameron “wrote” a reboot of Fergully with special effects and that Alien/Matrix Mec that we have seen too many times. I’m sure Green Lantern fits right in with the people that love these movies.

      • The Listener

        Okay. I’m comparing the writing, acting, directing, and CGI of Avatar and Star Wars with the same for Green Lantern. My point is that those 2 movies produced such high standards for science fiction and comic book big screen films that audiences now have higher expectations for such films, and now a movie that might have in the past been considered good is now considered awful in comparison.

  32. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Dr Ha-Ha
    Commented on this photo:

    This pic alone is enough for me to think, I’d rather take a broom length dildo up my asshole than see this.

  33. Darebear

    Stop doing bad movie reviews on here.

  34. Don

    I liked it, but I thought “Green Lantern: First Flight,” was better, even though it was a cartoon.

  35. Will

    Blake lively was decent in The Town? Look, I know she’s secretly blowing you behind Leo’s back, but you don’t have to stretch the truth that far. Whatever happened to journalistic integrity here?

    If i gave her lines in the Town to my Lithium-addled mother to read aloud after just waking up from one of her daily 3 hour naps, she would have delivered the lines more convincingly and with more emotion than Blake Lively did in The Town.

    Admit it, you didnt even pay attention to her “acting”. You just stared at her tits and giggled like a schoolboy.

  36. Green Lantern Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    I wonder if this movie may turn into one of those cult classics of badness.
    The kind where watching it while high on psychedelics becomes a rite of passage into 21st century adulthood.

  37. mfbinc

    one small criticism of your review (and all others that have dealt with special effects since the beginning of movies)…..if shit don’t really exist then how can you criticize if it looks real or not? IF YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH A B MOVIE(AND LETS FACE IT, MOST OF POPULAR MOVIES THAT USE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE B) THEN ACCEPT THE CHEESE!!!!!

    • FYI, the shit in Avatar never existed, and it was really amazing because it looked real. That shows there are standards of excellence out there, and in this case it sounds like they just phoned it in. If the CGI “cheese” isn’t so much cheese as it is smegma, no power on earth can make a viewer accept that and like it.

    • D-chi

      Accepting the cheese sounds delicious.

  38. Stamos Fan

    I went into this movie with extremely low expectations and in all honesty they were marginally succeeded. Don’t get me wrong Paralax was a horrible villain it reminded me of Fantastic Four 2 and Galactus who also a giant fucking cloud. But the acting wasn’t god awful and the special effects were nice so if I were grading this like a school teacher I would give the movie a C.

  39. sean

    I’m really digging your movie reviews. Your writing style suits them perfectly, and your opinions are very astute. Please continue to do these as much as possible. Hell even branch out a sister site for them.

  40. Brooke

    Holy shit, it’s as bad as I thought it would be. No wait… I’m not sure if I thought it would be as bad as Daredevil or Nick Cage as a flaming Skeletor on wheels (seriously, why/how is that getting a sequel? Did the people who greenlight movies even SEE the original?).

    What’s sad is that Ebert actually said he liked this more than Thor (which won’t come out in Japan until July… curses!)

    Off to see the X-Men movie. I’ll be happy as long as it is better than the third X-Men movie.

    • D-chi

      Daredevil was all right, as was Thor. It gave us eye candy. X3 was passable, but only because Angel kept taking his shirt off.

  41. HortonHearsABoob

    I would totally watch the shit out of a movie entitled “The Poop That Took a Pee.”

    Totally.

    It sounds like it’d star that old guy from “Babe” and, ohhh, say…..Jeremy Piven(as The Poop…a role he was born for, no doubt). And when Piven finally took the aformentioned pee, Old Guy From Babe would look at him benevolently and sagely say “The magic was in you all along.” (Was going to go with “That’ll do, Poop. That’ll do.”, but figured that was played).

  42. DeucePickle

    Anyone that is shocked that this movie was terrible, must have never saw a trailor for it.
    Also, I never knew that Hal Jordan was supposed to be funny.
    Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool and that’s it.

  43. the captain

    we wonder: IS IT ABOUT SUCKINF A GREEN C*CK?

  44. FuckthisIquit

    How could you forget to mention that the baddest bad ass who made Guardians shit their collective pants into forging The Yellow Ring, ends up being WildECoyotted into the the Sun? Meep-Meep mother fucker much???

  45. Flabbergast

    You’re simply wrong, the movie was better than Thor and was a hell of a lot of fun. the end.

  46. Beastman AIDS

    perhaps the IWS writer should be borrowing a page from your book

  47. Poop Takes Pee

    More movie reviews. They’s good. Hollywood big-budget movies are so uniformly horrible now, they aren’t even fun to make fun of, but this review was actually entertaining.

  48. jules

    Dude, as Bill said to Sookie… what ARE you? You make me laugh so hard… been reading the sup for a little while now, as funnelled through evil beet. Like giggling and chortling by myself at 2 am, with people bleary-eyed coming out of doors going, what are you Doing? and I’m all chastened, like, nothing, never mind, this is fu… but they go back to bed and I’m like, oh. well, anyway. I’m only half-way through this review, but shit that’s funny. What sign are you dude? What ARE you? Hey, remember Terminator Salvation – i was so excited for that movie, and from about 30 minutes in, in the theatre, I was sitting there, upset and personally offended, arms crossed like a vise across my chest, shaking my head, appalled for the remaining 2 hrs. That shit shat hard. Don’t you think? McG. Really? McG? The second Charlie’s Angel’s didn’t make any sense at allllll. I should have known. I segued quite a bit here, but bottom-line, you fellow who writes this superficial website, just wanted you to know, ex-cellent writing friend, makes me laugh hard. If you were a book, I could carry you around to public places, like with various hilarious books in my employ, and read you, and laugh genuinely, and non-readers will often be like, shit, reading looks like a sight o’fun, and I’m like, sure is! It’s educational you see.

  49. jules

    oh, know it doesn’t matter to anyone but me, who’s having a good time writing this stuff right here right now, but I would like to go on record, after finishing reading the aforewritten review: could only bear to watch Daredevil until that retarded fight in the park, on the freakin teetertotter and then got too embarrassed and horrified and turned the thing off. No. No. No means no and I will not be forced to watch a movie that sucks, nor finish a book that blows, ever. Never ever. Hence I have not seen the end of a lot of movies. The Notebook – they laid down in an intersection and I was like, no, that’s against the rules, that’s pretty unsafe; I resent your wackiness. No. Battle of Something or other Los Angeles – someone’s dad dies and people are crying and the guy who isn’t Thomas Jane but looks an awful lot like Thomas Jane is caressing the dead man’s son and telling him marine’s don’t quit and he’s the toughest marine he’s ever known…3 and a 1/2 hours in and I’m out. No. No means no. I don’t care that I’ve been falling asleep through 2 hrs of machine gun fire. This is where I draw the line. Breaking dawn, book, as soon as they got married and made sweet human vampire love, and Bella was all, oh, dear Edward, what happened to my pillow/headboard, and he was all like, you don’t remember, you make me crazy, lady, I was trying to control myself, I was like, e-wwwww, we-iiiird. Gr-oss. I’m out.

    • baron of all media

      I really wish I’d used your “no means no” mantra when I was reading your comment. So boring that now I want to kill myself. But I was compelled by the expectation that you’d eventually offer fellatio, which you never did. Now my eyes are bleeding. Suck it, or learn how to ask to. I’m out.

  50. MarkM

    A great review, of a, sadly, horrible movie.

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