Thoughts About ‘Grand Theft Auto V’ From A Penis Joke Writer On The Internet

September 18th, 2013 // 38 Comments
Grand Theft Auto V Michael

When I set out to write my first impressions of Grand Theft Auto V yesterday, I was prepared to just barely scratch the surface with only a few hours of gameplay, but at least get a good feel for it. What I wasn’t prepared for was to find out that I also needed the evening to, at bare minimum, just ever so softly make a barely visible abrasion into the depths of this thing. Because what I had in the afternoon amounted to an ant fart on the surface of a frozen lake. (Read: I still haven’t found a hooker.) So after getting in some more playtime – I’m at about 4-5% and haven’t even found the third playable character yet. – here are my initial thoughts which if you’re strapped for time amount to BUY IT. BUY IT NOW.

HOW I PLAY

For the record, here’s historically how I play any GTA game:

1. On Playstation.
2. With the exception of III, I never finish them.
3. I don’t do mini-games or races.
4. Hidden packages? MUST. FIND. THEM. ALL.
5. The second the missions get too tedious, and I’m riding around on an impossible to control motorcycle chasing another guy on a motorcycle (i.e. the third island on IV), I tap out and never touch the thing again.

I bring a lot of expertise and technical skill to the table is what I’m trying to say here.

HOT BUTTON CONTROVERSIES!

There’s an easy to trot out media, and even more unfortunate police, narrative out there that video games are turning people into killers. (Looking at you, Ed Schultz.) And until this game, I would’ve aggressively disagreed with this bullshit, scapegoat theory for reasons I’ll get into later. But then I had to wait 15 minutes for GTA V‘s one-time installation and suddenly found myself calling Whole Foods and asking if they carry an organic line of gluten-free assault rifles. They do not.

FUCK ME, THIS GAME IS BEAUTIFUL

While navigating the first mission/tutorial, you eventually burst out into the outdoors where you’re slapped in the face with just how amazingly detailed the graphics engine is going to be, and you’re not even in the main city of Los Santos yet. And by Los Santos I mean an insanely intricate recreation of LA that made me want to go on a real, live killing spree by reminding me I’m on the exact opposite coast of an In-N-Out Burger, so another point for you, scapegoat theorists. I’m man enough to admit that. Anyway, while driving around the city like a drunken maniac and launching myself off cliffs, I eventually crashed into the ocean which literally snapped me back in my seat when instead of a murky, blue horseshit, I’m hit with sunlight peering through the waves and illuminating beautiful, colorful fish. Which I then tried to shoot.

THE SOUNDTRACK

Nothing will ever compare to Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, but this is a distant second. A far, distant second, but the Phil Collins is a nice touch even though it will never compare to hearing “Broken Wings” while gunning someone down on a golf cart. It’s like seeing the birth of your first child, but more awesome because it doesn’t poop into a shit-pouch you then have to change.

THE SHATTERING OF MALAISE

During the first two missions of the game with Franklin, I started to worry that this would just be your standard GTA experience but with way better visuals. And then halfway through the third mission, the game kicks you in the dick and says, “You have no idea, tiny penis Internet man. Now make me a sandwich.”

THE CHARACTERS

I haven’t even got to Trevor yet, but so far the dynamic between Michael and Franklin has been a game-changer? – *contemplates gun violence again* – There’s a little frustration figuring out how to switch characters while driving during missions, and if said switch actually worked, but it adds a whole new.. level to the game? *shops for assault rifles online*

THE MISSIONS

After the first two, the missions become varied and creative as fuck. From a highway rescue to exacting revenge to the random assassination of a fictionalized version of a pretty prominent person (Keep in mind, I’ve done maybe 6 or 7, tops.), they’re all over the map goddammit why am I so punny today?!

THE LITTLE TOUCHES

There are a constant barrage of tiny little touches throughout the game which I probably missed a bunch of, but so far my favorite have been the ability to slide across the hood of your car Dukes of Hazzard-style, being able to pause during a cutscene (When you gotta piss, you gotta piss.), people’s reactions to you jacking their car (I shit you not, my first was a black woman who looked right at me and went, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”), a parody of Facebook called “Lifeinvader,” and one for Call of Duty called “Righteous Slaughter.” Which seems rich coming from Grand Theft Auto of all games, but that’s damn good satire.

THE iFRUIT APP

I downloaded it, but all day yesterday (and still today) the Rockstar Social Club was down, so I have no idea how the real-life counterpart works. As for in the game, I hated the cellphone in GTA IV, fucking HATED it, but it’s amazing how five years later using a smartphone in GTA V feels perfectly natural and non-intrusive. Also, I used it to take a picture of this fine woman’s ass because I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it, but the graphics are fuck-mazing.

CATHARTIC WISH FULFILLMENT

Let’s get, briefly, serious for a second. What makes Grand Theft Auto work, and this iteration exponentially more than its predecessor, is its strive for realism. Which sounds ridiculous considering it’s also a game where you’re a gangster who can steal cars at whim, indiscriminately murder civilians and survive crashes, gunshots and explosions, but here’s the rub: While you’re doing all that stuff everything looks and moves real as shit. As you drive to locations, it is almost a perfect simulation of driving except you get to experience the visceral thrill of going 90 mph, not stopping at red lights, smashing into cars driving way too low, and my personal favorite, deliberately clipping anyone on a Vespa because fuck those people. Even better, you get to use your smartphone while driving and so what if you rear end somebody? It’s just like everything you get to do in real life but with the added pleasure of not giving a fuck. Which is why I’d safely say most people are not being inspired to commit mass shootings after playing Grand Theft Auto as much as they’ve just unleashed a load of stress that they can’t in real life. It’s practically medicinal, and I will fight the AMA in a tank until they fucking agree with me because this game also taught me how to debate, so suck it.

BANGING HOOKERS IN A FIGHTER JET: A TALE OF SADNESS

For $60 of my hard penis joke money, I was hoping GTA V would at least afford me the luxury of soliciting a prostitute in a fighter jet which you can commandeer in the game. Or at least you theoretically can because it entails sneaking onto a military base and not getting your dick blown off en route to the cockpit. And then after that, not getting shot out of the sky by an RPG as you take off and send your Wanted level through the roof. So needless to say, it’ll be hard to make a hooker feel safe while the National Guard tries to bulldoze you in the anus. Which takes away all the realism of the game because what’s a more natural transaction than coercing a woman into sex while piloting a death machine? “Excuse me, night walker? Would you kindly fellate me in this fighter jet? I have money.” BOOM. Simple as that.

AND FINALLY QUESTIONS

Which nobody asked me…

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  1. cc

    In a way, I wish I could play these games but I’ve found I’ve found that at least when it comes to these games I have the worst hand eye co-ordination. Which is strange because in every other respect my talents are epic.

  2. jennifer

    HEY FISH,
    think you can get us a new Banner Girl. The current one is getting a bit tiring.

  3. Echo5

    She’s the best part of the site! When coworkers catch glimpses of the page and are like ‘Why the F- are you on a pink web page?!?’, I can scroll up to the mystery girl and it juuust crosses the border in to Acceptable.
    Until they see shirtless pic of some scrawny white dude at the f’n top of the page or Fish titling a post ‘The Scarsgard’s dick’ and next thing I know I’m having to fire guns with one hand, kill ninjas using my katana in the other while being blown by a grizzly with thick boobs as I curse gay marriage and supress colored folk, just to redeem myself for today.
    I vote to keep the chick.

  4. malaka

    i’m having a whole lot of fun playing this game.
    but i would be surprised if anything ever comes close to
    san andreas.
    that was the best gta ever as far as i’m concerned.
    sure, i’ll give vice city credit for the best soundtrack.
    gta4 was fun, but i felt like it was kind of a step backwards.
    i also enjoyed the first saints row and thought that it was the best gta knockoff ever produced. but they kind of jumped the shark after the sequels.
    i’m also finding it difficult to adjust to the new controls.
    let’s face it. i haven’t played a game this awesome in a while.

    i haven’t figured out how to do the dukes of hazard move yet.
    but last night, i hit another car head on at around 80 mph and flew right out of the windshield face first into the wall of a bodega.
    good times.

    • GTA III will always be my favorite. Nothing will ever compare to the first few days playing that game. It was virgin territory and not because of the lack of vagina around my penis.

  5. Deacon Jones

    Uh, back on topic…

    I played about 2 hours worth last night between my dogs barking to be let out, then let in, then let out, and my wife calling to tell me to defrost the fucking chicken.

    My first impressions….meh?

    Let me preface by saying I just beat The Last of Us which should get GOTY if you ask me.

    So I read about the vastly improved shooting mechanics in this game compared to GTA 4, and I’ve noticed…*subtle* changes?
    The fact that you can auto-target was surprising. I was expecting much louder gun SFX (I know, i can tweak them) and wasn’t really impressed with the zoomed in feel/looks compared to GTA 4.

    Graphics overall…well, I thought their could definitely be more contrast in the game? In The Last of Us they had an awesome graphics engine and the subtle lighting, shading in the environments were amazing. Granted, i played 60% of the game during “night”. I noticed some minor pixelation in the background graphics, particularly corners of buildings. Granted I have a 60” LCD TV Im playing on, but first Ive noticed pixels on PS3 games in past 2-3 years.

    Acting/Storyline thus far – love it. I like the banter.

    Soundtrack – havent heard enough, but I agree Vice City was the king. I was actually hoping they’d remake 1980s Miami rather than Cali for GTA 5, but whatevs. Love the option of quick snapping to the stations instead of having to flick through each one.

    Mechanics…everything seems slower, from running, to jumping, to punching people.

    Phone Interface – never liked it, never will

    Car handling – same shittiness as GTA 4, dont like the more “realistic” handling, I like snapping around a 90 while shooting an uzi without even pausing.

    Wanted level – yeah, so what the fuck is up with the unshakeable chopper at 3 stars? I couldnt lose that fucker at all last night, and I had a sports car.

    that’s it for now, I will be playing the fuck out of this game regardless, so Im sure my take on some things will change

    • I swear to God, Deacon, there are times I’m convinced you and I are the same exact person.

      More importantly, must play The Last of Us. Noted.

      • Deacon Jones

        We should both ask ourselves of that’s a good or bad thing, lmao

        Last of Us, highly recommended, best game I’ve played in years

    • I didn’t finish The Last of Us and doubt I will (too much time has passed). While I think it was a phenomenal game, I found it was just a constant plodding forwards. What I like about GTA are the extras, the side missions, the collectibles, the other stuff you can do without progressing the story forward.

      Not to sound old and bitch about change but why the fuck did they change the controls? Driving with my index finger instead of X is making me crazy. I know I’ll get used to it but fuck.

      But you can skip missions after three unsuccessful attempts!!!!

      We’ve always finished the games. My husband and I work perfectly together in this regard. I have endless patience for exploring and collectibles, he’ll do side missions (taxi driving, racing, etc.). I’m a better shooter, he’s a better driver. It’s beautiful really.

      For the record, my favourite has been San Andreas, both for the game and for the music.

      • malaka

        one thing that i do really like about this game, is that it is considerably difficult.
        maybe i’m just not the least bit used to the controls, but i must have failed dozens of missions already and i still get to retry from the check points instead of starting from the beginning.

        otherwise, i’m a little bit frustrated with not being able to pick up guns or being able to rob random businesses.

        also, where the fuck are all the hookers?!

  6. Cher X

    I just started GTA 3 and yeah, I have a mission that I can’t seem to complete. So instead, I’m having fun with cheats codes. So now, I’ve changed my costume to a blonde hooker and driving a tank over innocent victims.

    More fun that way.

  7. GTA kinda lost me for awhile, but it appears I may have to give it another go. It certainly looks pretty.

  8. Fish, there’s your alter ego in one of the secondary missions.
    Paparazzo screaming that he wants the vagina shot.
    Thought of you.

  9. bryan

    is that skinny Steven Seagal?

    • No, it’s Zane Lamprey from Three Sheets.

      I keep telling him on his facebook page that they bit off his image, but he didnt say anything, He’s even got a drinking problem in the game!

  10. eh

    This is just like The Onion article on this.

  11. Nice review Fishy. I never finished GTA III or GTA IV but after reading this, I wanna go out and buy GTA V and not finish that one too. Regarding the lack of questions thrown at you, maybe if you throw in some Trayvon Martin/Zimmerman references vis-a-vis the politico-socio-video-gameo- impact of GTA V, people will ask you a few questions about it.

  12. Sounds like you guys are having a blast. I only have a Wii U so my games are coming soon.

    • I actually picked up a Wii U a month ago. I’m not entirely impressed, but I’m not unimpressed either. Except for the Game Pad which is a battery eating, no range piece of shit. “Play it another room! (Provided you live in a tiny apartment and that room is three feet away with no walls.)”

      • Ok. I’ve never had that problem. I missed the Wii so I’m playing through Skyward Sword right now. Looking at New Super Mario Bros and Wonderful 101 next.

  13. 2 kids and a mortgage ago I got REALLY excited about this shit.

    Great writeup Fish. Sorry I didn’t ask any questions. I’m just starting Fallout 3…kinda behind the times.

    • I can relate in more ways than you know. Prior to this, the last game I played was Bioshock Infinite. Before that… Portal 2? Maybe.

    • I hear that shiat, rfbranch.

      I’ll wait a bit but I’m thinking I’ll devote a significant amount of Minnesota winter into this fucker. I’m something like 4 years out from an outlet for my urges to clip assholes on vespas.

    • rfbranch, Fallout 3 is my favorite game ever for the PS3.

      Fallout – New Vegas was rushed to production and was a very, very disappointing followup

      • Really? I was reading about how your actions in NV shape how different factions perceive you and thought that was a pretty cool addition i.e. Raiders won’t just automatically attack you on sight.

        I bought both used and was looking forward to New Vegas when I finish Fallout….so in a year or so at the rate I’m going.

        Thanks for the heads up.

  14. Have you found that crazy shack everyone was talking about?

  15. Fish, do you like GTA V better than Animal Crossing: A New Leaf?

  16. Oh, hey guys… I just finished an EPIC marathon session of KC Munchkin on my Odyssey 2. What’d I miss?

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