Goldie Hawn Put Out on Her First Date With Kurt Russell

Before Tom left Katie for L. Ron Hubbard, before J-Lo dated literally everyone, and way before anyone gave a shit about which rapper was having sex with one of the Kardashian shih tzus: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been one of the most low-key, celebrity power couples since 1983. Now that Goldie is making her big screen comeback (?) with Amy Schumer in Snatched and Kurt is somehow not wearing an eyepatch in the new Guardians of The Galaxy movie, the powers that be are brainwashing us into caring again.

Kurt showed up on Harry Connick Jr’s “alt-Ellen” daytime talk show and told Harry how Goldie took him to the bone zone in her house while it was under construction. No, he didn’t make her call him ‘Snake’.

We eventually found our way upstairs looking at imaginary furniture and we were in the imaginary bedroom now and we are realistically having sex when the police walked in…”

Roleplaying for the furniture? That’s some freaky shit, Kurt!

We had to break into the place to get in so the next thing I see is a flashlight and Goldie and I are like what? It was bizarre and weird. We were told to go get a hotel room which we did. That was our first date.

The 80’s must have been nice… nowadays if the police catch you having sex in your own home they’ll throw a knee in your back and tase your balls off… Can you tase off a testicle? Who cares #America.

My conspiracy theory is that the studios asked Kurt to make Goldie out to be a big skank to match Amy Schumer’s image. Then Snatched could be perceived as an original, organic concept and less like a version of “The Hangover: Mother and Daughter Lost in Asialand”.