GOLDEN GLOBES: The people who weren’t Christina Hendricks’ breasts.
And now for a look at celebrities who attended last night Golden Globes but didn’t have stupid huge breasts like Christina Hendricks therefore rendering them dead to me:
Christina Aguilera with her rapidly shrinking chesticles. (Stop. Working. Out.)
Halle Berry whose chest has probably sold 85 billion copies of Swordfish. To me.
January Jones. You still don’t know who this is.
Chloe Sevigny: Sponsored by Swiffer.
Olivia Wilde who kind of phoned this one in. Let’s be honest.
Maggie Gyllenhaal. I’m pretty sure she was only there to shank Reese Witherspoon.
Fergie and her life partner Josh Duhamel. One day your union will be legal!
Sandra Bullock who dared to play a Christian woman who loves football, in America. That’s adversity.
Jon Hamm sporting a beard which will eventually be shaved to an impeccable stubble making
me you question your my sexuality. — Wait.
Robert Downey Jr. who fucking owned the place and from now on should give everyone’s acceptance speech. For everything.