Gerard Butler Hates Himself For Losing Jessica Biel

November 13th, 2012 // 15 Comments
A Video? You Shouldn't Have
Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Engaged
No, Really, You Totally Fucked Us Here Read More »

When we last left Gerard Butler, fellow cokehead Lindsay Lohan was convinced she could get him to star in a Lifetime movie with her, and things really haven’t improved since then because apparently he sits around now sulking about how he got to have sex with Jessica Biel without marrying her. It’s like living in a prison. Radar Online reports:

Gerard, 42, was scared off by Jessica wanting something more serious when they filmed the romantic comedy, so he bolted – a decision he now regrets.
“Gerard doesn’t have many regrets but not treating Jessica with the respect she deserved while they dated is one of them,” a source close to the 300 star revealed.
“He genuinely believes she was the one that got away.

Two Things:

1. On Gerard Butler’s tag page, if you scroll down to the post about him banging Jessica Biel, notice how it’s the very last story right before he starts looking like heroin on a stick and banging Real Housewives for an entire week with absolutely zero recollection. So maybe there’s some truth to this story because, seriously, how else do you react to this situation? Which brings me to:

2. Is Gerard Butler actually crying about not getting married and being forced to spend his days plowing whoever he wants, whenever he wants in Porta-potties? Because there are people who would kill for that kind of life. Or write Santa a letter each year asking for it. (I don’t like blood.)

Photos: INFdaily, Splash News


  1. Justin Timberlake Jessica Biel Hurricane Sandy Volunteers
    Minky Wail
    Commented on this photo:

    “A hot dog?! Oh I get it, ‘dick in a box.’ Yeah that shit never gets old.”

  2. karlito

    i guess she must do ass to mouth or something because my God she’s not a looker.

    • Deacon Jones

      Wrong, sir! Wrong!
      Under section 37B of the contract signed by you, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if – and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:
      [grabs a magnifying glass and reads]
      I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera… Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera… Memo bis punitor delicatum!

  3. cc

    No, no, he hates himself for losing a bottle of Maker’s Mark.

  4. Hahahah Jessica Biel. She actually sent in a video and auditioned for the same part Anne Hathaway did in Les Mis. LOL. She actually thinks shes a legitimate actress.

    I needed a laugh.

    • porn star

      how do you know about this video?

      • KC

        A few minutes of googling taught me that in an Elle interview from November ’11 Jessica Biel talked about how she auditioned in person for Les Miserables and had to sing. Actually it sounds like the whole interview was her bitching about all the roles she never got. She specifically named The Notebook, Catwoman, and Les Miserables, but she said there were three others that she had recently auditioned for and didn’t get.

  5. Schmidtler

    he’s ‘sorry he didn’t treat her with the respect she deserved’? what kind of respect is a bitchy talentless actress whose only redeeming quality is her ass entitled to?

    • Deacon Jones

      Considering its the best ass in the history of mankind, a lot of respect, Schmidt, a lot.

      • Schmidtler

        I will admit when I’m wrong. Even in my book, she’s no worse than a top 3 ass of all time. To atone for my unfair criticism, I will now write a letter to my congressman in favor of carving Biel’s ass on Mt. Rushmore. Preferably in a way that makes it look like Abe Lincoln is ogling it.

    • Jessica has the number one ass on my sexual fantasy bucket list and a top 10 of all time overall. Her body is world class.

  6. I think her vagina is laced with heroin. That explains why men are left a broken shell of themselves after she’s done with them.

    Gerard should be glad he’s free of old heroin vagina. I, on the other hand, am straight edge. I might be willing to drop it for Jessica, though.

  7. mike

    Blatant lies, I say she spun this tale to make herself seem more desired. This is the no-spun-zone

  8. The way I read this, I take it to mean that Jessica Biel has a vagina in her vagina. It’s the only logical explanation for Gerard’s precipitous slide into male whoredom after her departure.

Leave A Comment