DMX Is Fighting George Zimmerman

February 5th, 2014 // 45 Comments
DMX
Sounds Reasonable
George Zimmerman
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Because he’s a level-headed man who’s not at all prone to extremes, George Zimmerman was hoping he’d get a chance to celebrity box Kanye West. Instead, he got DMX which is still great news because all that mattered was George had probable cause to stand his ground, so go ahead and check off that box. TMZ reports:

Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman tells us, DMX was selected out of 15,000 applicants … all of whom wanted a piece of Zimmerman in the ring after he issued the open challenge to fight anyone willing to take him.
But no one wanted to beat Zimmerman’s ass more than DMX.
As we first reported, DMX promised to massacre Zimmerman in the ring if he got the chance. To be exact, he said, “I am going to beat the living f**k out him … I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f**k him right up.” He then said he’d literally piss on George’s face.

So in one corner, you’ve got George Zimmerman who’s apparently been training every day since, you know, “that thing,” and is only 30 years old. In the other, you’ve got DMX who’s 43, but has spent the majority of the past decade in jail, so I’m pretty sure he knows how to break his own arm and use the protruding bone as a shiv. Not to mention all that peeing stuff he said which I’m pretty sure will be like watching Baryshnikov dance, that’s how smooth and efficiently DMX works. He’ll probably even pirouette.

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  1. Seriously, this shit better be livestreamed.

    • JC

      It sounds like DMX has a live stream planned for George’s face.

    • Dox

      You know this is going to be a joke. DMX will be out of shape, and completely unready. Zimmerman will walk in there having done nothing but worked out. (I mean wtf do you do when your hiding from the majority of the country?)

      Don’t get me wrong. I want to see Zimmerman get the shit kicked out of him, if for no other reason than he just keeps capitalizing on this…. I swear the mans a human cockroach.

  2. I want to watch this so hard!!!

    • Is there such a thing as watching something soft? I mean other than my penis…Or maybe you meant you want your clit to be engorged and hard while you watch the bout.

  3. Killmmermanfiguratively

    Only if wishes could by horses….. or something like that

  4. Great. The gun-nut and white-rage poster boy is gonna fight a black dude whose daily planner includes at least three probation officer visits. I’m sure the Twitter comments will be well-reasoned.

    • Ted

      You know Zimmerman is hispanic, right? I know everyone here hates white people, but let’s keep it in perspective.

      • chuckles

        Zimmerman is not an hispanic name. What’s more, lots of “hispanic” people live their lives as [and surrounded by] white people. Let’s not split hairs.

      • NEONMAN77

        Yeah…grew up around black children living in his home, he himself is part afro-Peruvian/Jewish/hispanic, took a black girl to the prom, started his first business with a black friend, defended in the public a black homeless guy against the police after they beat the homeless guy, and tutored black children free of charge to help them escape poverty.

        Let’s not split hairs damn straight. Fuck outta here.

  5. X Gon’ Give It To Ya

  6. Really...?

    15,000 Applicants ? That few ?

    I’m white, outta shape, overweight and on the wrong damn continent and I’d like a go too.

    I might not win, but I guaran-damn-tee one good kick in this guys balls for the slo-mo replay.

  7. Hugh G. Rection

    I think I’m going to root for George Zimmerman on this one. Not that I have a problem with DMX, I just think it would be a nice change of pace if Zim won a fair fight.

  8. Lord Helmet

    Remember every time you said I’d love to see someone beat the shit out of DMX or Zimmerman? Evidently, if you say it long enough it can come true. So, no time to waste…
    I’d love to see Tori Black make love to me.
    I’d love to see Tori Black make love to me.
    I’d love to see Tori Black make love to me…

  9. Oh BABY

    My money is on Zimmerman on the probability that DMX is nothing but another black mouth who thinks he’s a prize fighter when, in fact, he’s nothing but a girl when he doesn’t have his homies with him to back up the twisted hate he spews.

    “… you’ve got DMX who’s 43, but has spent the majority of the past decade in jail, so I’m pretty sure he knows how to break his own arm and use the protruding bone as a shiv.” OR DMX, when not surrounded by paid protection, learned real fast to drop ‘em and bend over when the prison predators barked at him.

    Prison time does not mean every dude in there is tough. Get a clue, Fish.

    • Hugh G. Rection

      On the other hand, when Zim mixed it up with a skinny 17 year old, he got his face pounded into the ground. I don’t think they’ll let him exercise his second amendment rights in the DMX fight.

    • At least DMX has a some probability associated with him being able to fight. Zimmerman can’t scrap a lick, so you know he’s got his gat.

    • Racist overtone aside, what would make you doubt DMX’s street cred? In an industry that sees its artists murder each other, especially in X’s prime, he has effectively shot his mouth off about every other rapper alive and no one has raised a finger or, as far as I know, ever even responded to any of his dissing. There is only one reason: He’s bat shit crazy. Crazy as fuck. There’s a certain regard one earns for having no sense of self-preservation whatsoever. He has none.

      When you read in the paper that DMX was arrested for doing a drive-by on the IN’n'OUT for putting too much mustard on his burger in a SUV with 15 loaded AK-47s, 8 jars of peanut butter and 10 pitbulls you don’t bat an eye. Zimmerman is a wrap.

      • I believe DMX has been busted on a variety of drugs, weapons, attempted carjackings, animal cruelty, traffic related offenses and other charges but I don’t think he actually fired weapons at an in’n'out.

  10. I’m just happy to see a black rapper pissing on the face of someone over 18.

  11. “He then said he’d literally piss on George’s face.”

    Kim Kardashian just signed up for Celebrity Boxing.

  12. I’m not sure what you’re talking about when you say that Zimmerman has been training since he killed Martin? Every time I see him he looks fatter and more disheveled than the last time.

  13. Jade

    I have a serious problem with a guy who killed a kid being called “celebrity.”

    I also think putting him together with a guy who has a grudge about what he did is stupid. What, for Zimmerman it is boxing, but for DMX it is a beatdown and payback? The whole thing screams of some sleezy shitstain trying to make a buck off tacky reality tv.

  14. Assuming the opponents (and corner-men) aren’t going to be armed, I’m betting that one of the two of these gladiators backs out before this ever happens…the reneger being Zim-zim. (There really was no pun intended there, but I love it.) And I’m still curious as to whether there has ever been a boxing match in which the two fighters beat each other to death.

  15. Violet

    Because more violence always solves everything………black people, we’re such a lost cause -__-

  16. John

    Only problem is that DMX is basically a crackhead these days so Zimmerman fat ass could actually win.

    DMX should come into the ring wearing a Trayvon hoodie just to fuck with George.

  17. Zim will probaly date Casey Anthony after this, shoot a man to death and and become a fame whore.

  18. crb

    How is it that DMX is not currently incarcerated for something?

  19. argleblargle

    In the “based on a true story” version of this, DMX has a detox/training montage, gets his life together, and beats the ever loving shit out of Zimmerman. Both emerge from the fight changed men who regularly volunteer at a soup kitchen together every Saturday. The movie ends with Kim Kardashian ringing the doorbell. If it’s a hit, they use it to reboot a ghetto modern version of Three’s Company.

  20. If watching this doesn’t put my white guilt to bed, nothing will.

  21. Mel

    Old black man who has not had to work a full day for quite sometime, glorifies drug use and has probably contracted every STD in the book.

    vs.

    Crazy guy who thinks he’s a superhero. Who has done nothing but dream about hurting black people his entire life and train constantly.

    This was a fixed fight from its inception

  22. Nacocheese

    Is there a kickstarter to fund DMX’s training?

  23. cc

    THEY WERE TAKING APPLICATIONS? Fuck.

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